By: Jenna Zine (Six Pack) –
Holy hell, you guys – we’ve done it! We’ve come to the end of Hannah’s “dramatic journey to find love.” Or at least the ability to sponcon her social media for many years to come. But it hasn’t been without sacrifice as she whittled her choices down to the final four. We were exposed to tiny tyrant Luke for waaay longer than should’ve been humanly possible. We’ve suffered through Jed’s narcissism and delusions of country music grandeur. We’ve had to watch Tyler slip through our fingers as super model Gigi Hadid began following our beloved dancing contractor on Instagram. Not to mention the horror of seeing Peter’s parents hooting & hollering at his sexual prowess – a moment that will not be wiped from my brain anytime soon. But what a ride it’s been. Will Hannah get her happy ending? It’s time to find out! We’ve earned this, so hold your loved ones close – your two nights distilled into one mega finale recap starts now!
We’re “live” with Chris Harrison and an exuberant studio audience, picking up with last week’s Men Tell All, where Luke was finally (finally!!!) ejected from the proceedings for being a controlling garbage human with a penchant for not being able to understand the word “no.” The men agree that Hannah handled herself like a bad ass with the Luke sitch; but it was too little, too late, in my opinion. He made this season an exercise in sheer agony. But done is done, and the most important takeaway from this is that WE DON’T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE, so I’ll take that little gift and run with it.
Now it’s time for the Rose Ceremony, with Hannah calling out Jed’s name first. That means it’s down to Peter and Tyler. What in the what? How did sweaty Jed and his swoopy hair of doom leapfrog to the front of the line? Lord only knows – literally. There is a pause before Tyler’s name is called and that means we are saying goodbye to Peter the Pilot. I did not see this coming. (Actually, I did – I read spoilers – but it still doesn’t make a lick of sense.) Apparently, it’s a surprise to Hannah as well – she clings to Peter like he’s a beloved childhood stuffy, weeping into his suit jacket for many minutes. It’s very emotional, and she seriously does not want to let him go. Did anyone remember to tell her it was her choice, and she could’ve kept him on? It’s weird. Peter cries in the Depression Mobile, and Hannah continues to sob in the driveway. Maybe that windmill wasn’t all it was cracked up to be?
Back at the home court, Chris interviews Peter regarding his feelings about it all. Peter reveals that Hannah will always have a piece of his heart, but it’s been two months and he’s “moving on.” (I bet!) Now it’s time for Peter and Hannah to reunite, marking the first time they’ve seen each other since the elimination. They’re still very affectionate with one another and it’s pretty damn cute. Peter asks Hannah why she let him go and she claims it “wasn’t anything” he did. In other words, the old, “It’s not you, it’s me,” excuse. It still doesn’t explain a damn thing, but I guess this will have to remain one of the great mysteries of our time.
Something we won’t have to wonder about is how many times Hannah and Peter engaged in sexual congress during their overnight, as Hannah would like us to know it wasn’t lucky number two, but rather an astounding FOUR notches on that Airbnb bed post. I love it when Hannah is petty – that information wasn’t for us, or even for Peter, but rather a direct hit to Luke and his shriveled manhood. Hannah wants him to know she ordered that Peter steak bone-in, with fries, dessert and leftovers to boot! I’d hate to be the wall Luke surely punched when this news reached his ears. The revenge must’ve been sweet, and Hannah has earned it, so I’m here for all of this. What I’m not here for is the camera person panning to Peter’s folks for a reaction as we learn of the magic four. It was disturbing in ways that might haunt me for life, watching Peter’s mom clap while his dad pumped his fist in the air. Plus, Chris chiming in to congratulate Peter’s father? It. Was. Too. Much. I’ve taken a Silkwood shower since this episode and the horror is still with me…
But never fear, the palate cleanser has arrived! Yes, folks; it’s time to head back to Greece, and for Tyler to meet Hannah’s parents. Insert dreamy sigh and heart emojis here! Hannah introduces us to her father, Robert, and mother, Susanne – but not the people on the couch who remain nameless. You don’t matter, other family! Just enjoy your free trip to Crete and shut up.
Hannah preps her folks for the fabulous Tyler by telling them she was “worried” she was just falling “in lust” with him, but knew it was more when Tyler skipped the Fantasy Suite sex in favor of getting to know her better – something that immediately endears Tyler to Robert and has me wondering if this woman has a censor button. Does her dad really need to know everything?
Hannah rushes to greet Tyler and they are, of course, as cute as ever. And it’s no surprise that Hannah’s family feels the same as he charms them all with his kindness and honesty. Tyler knows where his heart is, and that would be 100% with Hannah. The world is smitten, and Hannah’s father seems particularly over the moon, expressing his admiration for Tyler’s character. Looks like Tyler is a lock at Casa de Brown!
The adorable duo has “one last date” before the final Rose Ceremony, with Hannah forcing Tyler to confront his fear of horses yet again. Not sure what’s she’s trying to prove, but I’m not going to complain at the image of Tyler mounting a steed. They talk in glowing terms about their obvious connection, both giddy with joy. Can we just end this thing now? I mean, come on!
The evening portion of their date is more of the same. Tyler is sure of what he wants, saying they could be “kickass” in their marriage. I’ve never heard it phrased quite that way before, but now that Tyler has said it, I want nothing else. Will Hannah make it so?
How to follow up this rousing success? By bringing in the wet blanket that is Jed, naturally. Hannah preps her family with, “I like him, and I’m excited for you to see what I see.” Already the red flags are a ‘waving. If you’re nervous and feeling the need to convince someone of your suitor’s qualities, chances are he’s not the one. Just saying. Hannah’s folks are of the same mind, with Susanne even shrugging at the thought of Jed with, “the bar was set high yesterday, but we’ll give him a fair shot.” (The absolute best insult is delivered later, also by Susanne, saying Jed “has… qualities.” It’s the new, “I don’t know her,” and it’s my favorite thing in life!)
You can guess how it went from there – in short, not well, pretty much right out of the gate. Jed may think his passion for country music is the best thing since sliced bread. But Hannah’s parents do not give one shit. Their main concern is essentially, “How is your non-existent career going to help provide a life our daughter?” Robert is specifically blunt with his query of wanting to know how Jed makes money. Jed claims he has “many facets of finance” (which includes stripping for bachelorette parties down on Nashville’s rowdy Music Row, a fact not mentioned to Robert), with his greatest accomplishment to date being hired “to write a jingle for a dog food company.” Jed claims, “When I got hired for that, I knew things were really happening.” I’ll pause while you grab a Kleenex to dry your eyes from all that laughing until you cry.
Needless to say, Robert and Susanne are not impressed and continue to harp on the financial angle of this doomed union. Jed is totally stunned and confused. Isn’t the fact that he can hold a guitar in one hand while stroking his ego in the other enough for these people? Like, what more do they want?!
Hannah is bummed at this turn of events as well, noting she “knew this was going to happen.” Um, you mean the intervention of reality combined with a dose of common sense? It has indeed arrived. Hannah’s folks apologize to her for being the bearers of bad news but are insistent that they “had to be honest.” For people who Hannah claimed had a “bad communication style,” they sure do seem to be hitting it out of the park here…
Hannah and Jed’s final date is subdued as they grapple with the weight that hangs over them. It is also a date filled with signs from the universe, all of them screaming “stop!” The duo embarks on a catamaran and the seas are rocky – literally and metaphorically. Hannah gets seasick. Jed does not hold her hair back. She looks miserable. He looks distracted. Jed is wearing a leather belt with swim trunks. Girl, how many ways can the world tell you this is a TERRIBLE idea?
It is the day of her engagement and Hannah looks like anyone about to become affianced. Oh, wait – no! She looks like she’s about to throw-up, but someone stole the barf bag and now she’s going to have to wear her own sick the rest of the day. This is also how I feel about Jed, so this tracks.
Meanwhile, the men are conversing with the ever-present Neil Lane to pick out diamonds. Jed should savor this moment – it will surely be the closest he’ll get to precious jewels in this lifetime. Tyler picks out something bold because Hannah is “loud and proud.” Jed picks out an oval because it’s like their “constant love.” Which… huh? I’ve heard of stretching a metaphor, but this takes it to a master yoga level.
Hannah is traveling to the engagement destination, but she’s so nervous and upset that she asks to be let out of the van. She starts to walk away and falls in the middle of the street. (A sign, again! Like she literally walked past a stop sign. Come on!!!) A producer rushes to her aid, but Hannah doesn’t want help. She wants to sit on her bum and contemplate the ring that’s about to be slipped on her scratched-up hand.
But stall as she might, she can’t stop a filming deadline. She’s greeted by Chris Harrison and led to her final Rose Ceremony. A van pulls up and first out is… Tyler. Oh, no! Seasoned fans know that the first one to arrive is the first one dumped, and the formula is not deviated from here. Tyler approaches Hannah with a lovely proposal, but she stops him short. He’s crestfallen, saying, “This isn’t it, is it?” Ugh, my heart! But wait, it gets worse as Hannah tells Tyler she’s “lucky to be loved by him, but…” she “loves someone else.” Naturally Tyler rises to the occasion, telling a weeping Hannah that he “will always be her biggest fan” and that he wishes her and Jed “nothing but success.” Tyler is walked to the van and tells us he just received “a million upper cuts to the gut.” Same dude, same.
Now it’s time for the moment we’ve all been dreading – the lame-ass proposal from Jed. The van rolls up and out pops Jed. But he’s not alone! He has his girlfriend trusty guitar in tow. Oh, Jed. I appreciate how undeniably on-brand he is, right to the bitter end. In fact, I’m kind of thrilled because this only continues to highlight what a mega one-note narcissistic douchebag he is. To his credit, he did tell Hannah early on that he came on the show to further his “career,” and he’s faithfully stuck to that agenda. It’s pretty much the only time he’s told her the truth.
His proposal – no surprise – includes a song, because why would he waste this opportunity, now that he’s made it all the way to the end? The man cannot sing or write a tune to save his life and I don’t know how this isn’t a dealbreaker in and of itself. But Hannah joyfully accepts his “proposal,” Jed accepts the Final Rose, and, with that, our lead is engaged.
Thank God Chris Harrison advised us to “rest up” last night because thankfully we’re not done yet! He’s tipped us off that the “proposal is cringeworthy, in retrospect” (also at the time, but whateves) and “massive destructive forces of lies and betrayal” are on the way. Well, that sounds comforting!
Fast-forward to shots of the happy couple canoodling. They are engaged! They will tell you this a million times. But, wait… somehow Hannah got a hold of a People magazine featuring a less than flattering story about her beloved and now doubts have (finally) entered her mind…
Back with the studio audience, Chris Harrison tells us, “Jed is about to face the music!” And believe me, no one is sad about this. In fact, Harrison seems delighted. We join Hannah at the “happy couple safe house” which looks very much like where Arie and Becca filmed their infamous breakup. I hope they sage that home between visits!
Jed arrives and Hannah greets him halfheartedly. Hannah has already let us know the second night she got engaged, Jed told her he’d been hanging out with someone prior to leaving for the show. He, of course, claimed he’d broken it off (“spiritually, in his mind,” but never verbally). But that People magazine! It had the truth! Hannah says, “The extent and what was withheld from me after I’d already said yes was not okay. He’s muddied our future. It’s not what I said yes to.” True that, sister.
Hannah wants to hear it in Jed’s own words, but even his version is damning. Essentially it is:
- He was seeing someone before the show, casually, according to him.
- This same “casual” hookup is also the person he traveled with extensively, including a getaway to a cabin he “got for free.”
- The cabin was located near his parent’s home, so she met them on the way back to town because it was “convenient.”
- He allowed her to plan a massive surprise birthday party for him.
- Her parents also gifted him with a trip to the Bahamas (damn!) – which he, of course, accepted.
- He told this woman he loved her on “multiple occasions.”
- He slept with her right before he left to begin filming.
All of this amounts to “but I barely know her” in Jed’s mind, but pretty much makes her his bonafide in the eyes of the rest of the world. OH! And Jed also admits to hooking up with other women during this time because this totally-not-his-girlfriend person knew it was casual. I mean… I just can’t with this guy.
Thankfully Hannah can’t either. After also confronting him about bragging about “winning the show” and having women over to his apartment after Hannah’s Nashville visits, she slips her Neil Lane engagement ring off and places it on the table, effectively ending their sham of an engagement. Woo hoo!
We’re rounding the corner of this very entertaining season. First, let’s shame Jed a little more before we go. (I’ll always make time for that!) Chris Harrison brings him out to chat with Hannah and the silence at his entrance is deafening. He woodenly apologizes to Hannah, which she graciously accepts. She also tells him, on no uncertain terms, that she’s not in love with him anymore. They are O-V-E-R. I’ve never been so thrilled to see someone finally get it. Hannah is officially single, and Jed slinks offstage. Adios, you no-talent liar! Dog food can keep you.
But wait – there’s one more person we need to hear from and that would be… Tyler Cameron! The audience screams like “the Beatles just appeared,” and Hannah still looks absolutely smitten. They talk about their (obvious) connection and then Hannah says, “I’ve been asking for someone bold, so I’m going to make a bold move now. You’re a great guy, and I’m single, so… would you want to go for a drink sometime?” The audience (and Twitter) explodes – like serious happy mayhem. Tyler grins and says, “I would love to. Just tell me when and I’m there.” Chris offers “anything you want, a limo, a hot air balloon… just go for it!” Hannah and Tyler smile at each other and agree a simple drink alone is all they need. And that, my friends, is how you get a happy ending!
This season was painful, as Luke and his threat of abuse stunk up the joint while hogging most of the screen time. Jed struck fear in our hearts as we fretted that our heroine was going to run off with a weasel who’s only true love is fame. Peter put a new spin on windmills, and the show gave us hope with Mike’s blindingly perfect smile. But the real star was the lead all along – a woman who wasn’t afraid to make mistakes, who finally learned how to make a toast, and spoke her mind, even when it hurt. Hannah didn’t leave engaged, but she found herself, and that’s just fine with me.
The Bachelorette (2019): Season 15, Episode 11 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time your refresh Hannah and Tyler’s social media to keep tabs on when that drink happens!
Take a Drink: every time Jed does something that makes you cringe or shake your head.
Take a Drink: every time you wonder if Peter’s parents really needed to cheer on the four-time-bone-zone with such unbridled enthusiasm.
Do a Shot: if you’re thrilled to be saying goodbye to Luke for good!
Do a Shot: for Bachelor In Paradise, starting next week (Monday, August 5th)! I won’t be recapping BIP, but I want to thank you all for reading along, and please join us again when the next season of The Bachelor kicks off for fresh posts! Who will the next lead be? I know we’re all waiting with bated breath… Until then, Rose Lovers! xo