We’re almost rounding to the end of this damn thing – but first Colton’s gotta meet the parents! Any good Bachelor fan knows that Hometowns proceed bone town (aka the Fantasy Suites) because nothing says “sexy” like shaking a father’s hand as you lustily eye his daughter. Though this is Colton, so tearing into a dinner roll is about as wild as it gets. Gently fold your hands in your laps and sit up straight – your recap starts now!
Colton is taking yet another shower. He gently soaps his nipples as the runoff cascades over his washboard abs. There is even a closeup of his feet as the holy water circles the drain. Frankly, I think the true love affair is between Colton and the cameraman, and I’m here for it. He muses about Hometowns as he reflects as to when he knew he was falling in love with Becca Kufrin and I just want to shout at the screen, “Oh, my god – stop it already! You were never really in love!” My scream slips into the void as Mr. Underwood reiterates his greatest fear – to profess love and find the sentiment unrequited. (His main fear and his main love interest (Cassie) may intersect shortly. Many have tried to warn him. And yet no one can seem to sway this man otherwise. Insert shoulder shrug emoji here.)
But first, Hometowns. We kick it off with Caelynn in Fredericksburg, VA. She wants to show him “all that she loves” about this quaint town, which includes a ride in a horse-drawn carriage and a stop at Carl’s Ice Cream Parlor. The flavor? Vanilla.
Colton can see their life forming in Virginia. It includes dogs, kids, and travel – presumably out of the time warp that is Fredericksburg. Naturally this “sounds great” to Caelynn. At least she doesn’t have to threaten to cut a bitch, so surely anything sounds good after last week.
Now it’s time to meet “the people that made Caelynn.” (At least to some extent. We will be meeting Caelynn’s stepdad, as her bio father is out of the picture.) Of course, everyone greets Colton both warmly and skeptically. Who is this stranger? Let’s find out!
Caelynn’s stepfather wants to know what Colton’s intentions are, how far he’s going to take the relationship, and where is his head and his heart? I can answer this! His intentions are pure (if you’re a Fit Tea ad rep), he’ll take the relationship to the end of this broadcast, his head is on the top of his body, and his heart is in his chest cavity. Duh.
Caelynn’s sister, making the most of her “15 minutes” of fame!
Ultimately Colton passes inspection and receives the “permission to wed” all clear from the man of the house. Thank god another penis has cosigned the decision. I wouldn’t want Caelynn to get it into her pretty little head that she has free will.
Next up is Hannah G. and we are in Birmingham, AL. where Hannah wants Colton to experience “what the South is all about.” I wish the next two hours was a showing of BlackKKlansman, but no – it’s all about etiquette and white bread, in case you were wondering. The specifics of this Get Out horror show include an etiquette class from a woman with a stick so far up her ass it’s amazing she can sit down safely.
Naturally, the goal in this woman’s world is for everything to be ramrod straight. The etiquette coach forces Colton to walk across a room with a book on his head, shouting, “Nice gait,” before terrorizing him over dinner rolls. Yes, rolls. Apparently the “proper” way to eat a roll is by tearing off and buttering your bread one bite at a time. Frankly, this sounds: 1. Insanely time consuming. 2. An excuse to eat more butter. The coach then informs Colton that Hannah’s parents “have been holding an umbrella” over Hannah her whole life and soon it will be Colton’s turn to shelter this fragile flower. Jesus fucking Christ – are these people serious?
Though Colton fails the class, he’s still allowed to meet Hannah’s folks. Colton is greeted with more doubt – probably over his umbrella-holding skills – as he tries to impress people that want nothing to do with him.
Per usual, the father wants to know what this stranger’s intentions are and the mother wants to know if her daughter is truly in love. Gender norms are validated, declarations are made, tears of joy roll down pink cheeks, and permission from one male is granted to another over the agency of an adult female.
We’re on to a real woman as we visit Tayshia in Santa Ana, CA. She wastes no time in kicking things off by blindfolding Colton. Now we’re talking!
She takes Colton to an airfield where, you guessed it, they will be skydiving. Tayshia claims it’s a show of trust – but we all know it’s payback for the horrifying bungee jumping date in Singapore. Colton is terrified of heights. Tayshia is terrified of heights. But Tayshia is the right kind of petty and their date will include willingly flinging themselves out of an airplane with strange men strapped to their backs. The viewers are treated to another one of Colton’s hilarious screams as he plummets towards the ground. Happily, both make it safely because it truly would be cruel fate if Colton died a virgin after all this build up. (Visual. You’re welcome).
If you thought Tayshia’s parents were going to be as easy breezy as our heroine, you would be incorrect. Tayshia’s father is no-nonsense and here to let his daughter’s suitor know it’s absolutely ridiculous to be in love after 6 weeks with the best analogy of all time, saying, “You cannot microwave relationships.”
We are reminded by Tayshia’s family that she is a divorcée and OMG I’d totally forgotten that nugget until this moment. How long has this season been going on? It feels like forever. So, yes – the last man Tayshia brought home was the person who became her husband and apparently, he did not do a good job of being married. They all fret that she could be in the same position again if she fails to choose her mate carefully and, frankly, Colton already seems like too big of a gamble.
I remain unabashed in my adoration for both Tayshia’s father and brother. Can we have a spinoff, please? Because I could talk about microwaves and the FBI all night. No joke. Though Tayshia’s father puts up a tough front, he ultimately relinquishes his daughter’s hand to Colton’s potential proposal and I vow to double down on my monthly donation to Planned Parenthood to offset this sexist nonsense.
Now we’ve arrived at Cassie’s sun-kissed hometown of Huntington Beach, CA. and it’s clear that Colton is seriously smitten. Though he’s professed to be “falling in love” with every gal in his Final Four, it’s only Cassie that he’s missed, claiming she’s the “perfect balance of sexy and cute.”
Cassie is no fool – she takes advantage of the moment to show off her bikini body by offering Colton surfing lessons. Let’s just say, if Colton screws as well as he surfs, Cassie is in for a very disappointing ride. But no worries! They cuddle on the sand and make plans for the evening meet and greet with the family.
And what an evening it is, for Colton has finally met his match in Cassie’s father, Matt Randolph. While all of the families have naturally been standoffish to the stranger in their midst, it’s Matt that comes out swinging with a huge, “Hell, no,” when it comes to handing off his daughter to our former NFL pro…
It all starts innocently enough – hugs all around before settling in on the couch for a chat with the fam. But then Matt’s eagle eye zeroes in on Colton caressing Cassie’s knee and he is decidedly not amused. It’s one thing to have chemistry. It’s another to show it off in a household where someone signed a “no sex contract” just to go to college. Take your hand off that (not so virginal) knee, Colton!
Of course, there are the requisite chats between Cassie’s parents and this beefy interloper, with Colton claiming that he’s here for all the right reasons. But it’s Cassie’s talk with her father that’s the most illuminating. Though she’s already admitted she’s not sure if she can get there with Colton, she’s also ready to assert her independence, claiming that Colton is perfect for her just as her father is insisting that he’s not. You know that old song and dance – the child will claim to love anything the parent is telling them is bad. The only difference is that person is usually 3, not 23. Cassie becomes wildly defensive, but her father persists, insisting that she not rush to commit to someone he sees as “just a guy.”
When Colton and Matt finally sit down, it definitely does not go as planned. Matt grills Colton like a Sunday BBQ. He’s no dummy – he knows Colton has also visited three other households, so what makes Cassie so special? Colton can’t say “her blonde hair and pert titties,” so he reaches deep and comes up with a few traits that relate to her personality. Unsurprisingly, Matt is not sold. When it comes time for Colton to make the antiquated request for Cassie’s hand in marriage, Matt doesn’t let him down easy, saying, “It’s a lifelong commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. This would be a premature blessing.”
Honestly, Matt needs to take a class in reverse psychology, because all he’s doing is driving these two into one another’s arms. Cassie is withholding words of love and Matt is withholding approval, which only makes Colton want her more. And with Matt putting his foot down, he’s all but ensuring his sheltered daughter will make a point by going with Colton, regardless of whether it’s a good match or not. He should’ve shrugged and said, “You can have her.” Both parties would’ve lost interest and it all would be done.
Though the choices seem clear, there is still a Rose Ceremony to get though. Keep in mind that every girl, except for Cassie, has told Colton she’s falling in love with him. And every father, except for Cassie’s, has given his permission for Colton to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. (What do the mothers, or, even more importantly, the actual women potentially getting married, think of all this? Who cares! Amiright?!)
So, moving on to the Love Shack portion of the show are:
That means it’s Caelynn’s time to sob in Colton’s arms before hopping into the Depression Mobile. (The experienced pageant queen somehow forgot to wear waterproof mascara, which shows that either: 1. She was confident she wasn’t getting eliminated. Or 2. Wanted to create a teary spectacle to create sympathy for her Bachelorette gig, a run that has been damaged by her mean girl attitude towards Tayshia in the past few episodes…)
Next week is supposedly the window where Colton could potentially lose his virginity in the Fantasy Suite. But let’s be honest – is this guy going to have waited this long, only to lose it “on” camera? Clearly the answer is no, but let’s play along. Meanwhile, the gals are gearing up for sheet-lovin’, there will be more tears, and the fence jump will remain the biggest tease of the show. Until then!
Don’t forget to follow me for live-tweets during the broadcast and be sure to tune in for episode recaps here at MovieBoozer every Wednesday! On a show schedule note – remember the next two weeks are back to back episodes, both Monday and Tuesday evenings. As such: Mon. 3-4 is Fantasy Suites, Tue. 3-5 is Women Tell All, Mon. 3-11 is the Finale, Tue. 3-12 is After The Final Rose.
The Bachelor (2019): Season 23, Episode 8
Take a Drink: for every Hometown visit.
Take a Drink: for every family member that expresses doubt about Colton’s intentions.
Take a Drink: for every woman Colton says he loves.
Take a Drink: if you were shocked Caelynn was eliminated.
Do a Shot: if you were so totally not surprised Caelynn is heading home.
Do a Shot: for Hannah G.’s soul-crushing “rap.”