This Means War (2012)

This Means War (2012)
This Means War (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Five Beers) –

Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are FDR and Tuck (respectively), and they are CIA superspies who have just been grounded from fieldwork after botching a job.  Close friends on and off the field, they decide to use their time to pursue romance.  Through a series of “hilarious” coincidences they end up falling in love with the same girl.  (Of course it is Reese Witherspoon, who the fuck else would take this role?)  Soon enough they’re using billions of dollars of taxpayers money to spy on each other and to try to win the girl to their side.

A Toast

Take a quick look at that poster and note that the tagline is “Spy against Spy”.  Clearly somebody in Hollywood wanted to adapt the famous comic strip, and

A: Didn’t want to pay for the rights

B: Thought throwing in a romantic angle would improve the inevitably disappointing box office returns.

Way better than this movie…

I do not have any problem with this concept in principle, as there is plenty of humorous angles to be had.  And to be fair, there are a few really decent laughs in the movie…

Beer Two

None of which come from Reese Witherspoon, who has been playing the same dumbass blonde girl for over a decade.  Yes, there have been times where she stretched out and instead played a mildly ignorant blonde girl, or a somewhat-but-not-completely retarded blonde.  My point is that while she is as hot as a Tesla Roadster, she’s also got the range of one.

An electric car joke?  That shit’s TOPICAL! -ED

Beer Three

For a movie that promised some ridiculous spy vs spy hijinks, there are very few comedic set-pieces which take advantage of the concept.  In fact, if you’ve seen the theatrical trailer, you’ve seen pretty much everything there is to see of that.  Sure, there are some action sequences and such that aren’t in the trailer, but I went in hoping to at least see some 007 style cockblocking.  Of course, the trailer didn’t lie either, because the cliched romantic triangle is delivered on.  In fact, if you’ve got a girlfriend you might take her to see this instead of The Vow.  That isn’t an endorsement of this movie, that is an indictment of The Vow.  I can’t even remember the last time they made a movie about Amnesia.

Get it?  It’s a memory loss joke!

Quit it dude, it’s not even funny anymore -ED

Beer Four

Chelsea Handler is actually the highlight of the “Romantic Comedy” elements of the film, her dialog is often sharp, sometimes poignant, and often hilarious.  Come to think of it, the only reason I’m adding a beer for this is the fact that she wasn’t the focus of the movie.  She’s almost too good for the movie, stealing every scene and stripping it clean faster than a car on the South Side of Chicago.

“Amateurs… in my day we didn’t leave the windshields”

Beer Five

The over-edited slick action sequences feel entertaining at first, but after the first minute or two the audience starts to feel uneasy.  I couldn’t shake the kind of feeling a kid gets watching his best friend play an awesome video game.  Sure, it is cool for a little bit, but since you can’t play it starts to just feel boring.

“Can we get some multiplayer up in this bitch please?”


Mediocre test-screened garbage, with a few reasonably entertaining moments.


Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: anytime a pop song plays that was used in a TV commercial recently

Take a Drink: for every scene of gay innuendo that clearly went over the heads of everyone involved

Drink a Shot: for each satellite map cut away that takes the place of a dissolve.


About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they're confused about something) at least a few times a week. I've gotten way off track here... The point is, Oberst is one of the website's founders, so... yeah

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