By: Wonko The Sane (Six Beers) –
Family moves into house, house is haunted, family killed. And it is all caught on video by the house’s surveillance system and camera-obsessed teen. That’s all you’re getting from me here, just watch the fuckin’ trailer already.
The first eight or so minutes of the movie, which show a group of teens get murdered, had me initially convinced that this was going to be a parody of bad found-footage horror. Sadly this one and only positive moment is followed by something that totally fails to live up to the prologue’s promises. My hopes haven’t been dashed this badly since I read the news this morning and found that Michael Bay still hadn’t accidentally blown himself up with his own special effects.
Karma will catch up to you, bastard.
In Amityville the family toughs it out through half a dozen unexplained deaths happening all around them. I don’t know about most people, but if I moved into a new house and bodies started piling up around me, I’d get the hell out. Hell, before they even bought the damn thing the Realtor died on the doorstep in a bloody mess. The excuse they use for staying is that the house is the best they could afford. Keep in mind this house has gone through dozens of owners since the 70’s, as it kills everyone who stays in it. I don’t believe in ghosts, but if I was shopping for a new house, I’d sure as hell leave money in my budget for one which a better survival ratio.
I’m unlucky enough.
Oh god, is this family obnoxious. The father is the worst stereotype of a jarhead marine. And the mother and daughter do nothing but bitch and moan. The son is your typical camera-guy in found-footage films, constantly filming while everyone tells him he’s being an asshole. Worst of all is the creepy-ass daughter, whose invisible friend eventually kills the whole family.
“Hey, I found this IPhone with a video of teenagers being murdered in our house… FREE IPOD!
Part of the appeal of found-footage movies is that they build a mystique of being “footage of an actual event”. Unfortunately, this movie is about as realistic as Dune, and with worse dialog. Every 15 seconds the viewer is treated to dime-store scratch effects and distortion. When a film is so amateurish that even real amateur footage feels more cinematic, you know you’ve got problems.
The Asylum studios have already made at least 5 horror movies with this formula. I have no problem with you being a Schlock studio, but at least mix it up a little bit… please?
This might be the reason the Mayans predicted the apocalypse.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time they tell the kid to turn off the camera.
Take a Drink: for the death-count; drink as the bodies roll.
Drink a Shot: when you see the ghost, or rather, when you see the guy standing in the background.