By: Julio De Francisco (Six Pack) –
As ironic a title as “Spy kids: All the Time in the World in 4D” is, I would never make time to watch this movie again without being so sloshed I’d piss myself before I felt the urge. The movie is about 90 minutes too long. The budget for the film was 27 million dollars (source), however it looks like something any kid with a Mac Book Pro could produce. The movie follows Marissa Wilson who holds a very big secret from her television spy-hunting husband Wilbur (Joel McHale) and her step children Rebecca (Rowan Blanchard) and Cecil (Mason Cook). She’s a spy for the Organization of Super Spies (OSS). She is also very preggers. But this little thing doesn’t stop her from catching the bad guys.
Good news: Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D is a great new torture device for the US Military! While Waterboarding doesn’t seem like it can hurt you, Spy Kids is just as deceptive. Someone please contact the CIA and ask them blare this movie to all those they are interrogating. I’m sure after the second screening is done, terrorists will speak.
OH FUCK, NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
To be fair, the only thing that kept me interested was Jessica Alba. Had it not been for her, this would have gone straight to DVD. Ricky Gervais as a talking dog was worthy of raising a glass too… for Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog to poop on!
The scratch and sniff card (the reason for the 4D) was intriguing at first, but when it came time to actually pull out the cards and sniff them, I had no desire to smell what the movie was wanting you to smell (someone’s food or fart). I could imagine the smells just fine and not have to take my eyes of the screen to dig the scratch and sniff card out of my pocket. I think the concept was great, but the execution needs more work.
Do not want to smell, even if it comes from a cute kitty.
I am not a fan of CGI that looks like it was whipped together over a weekend. I suppose Robert Rodriguez could argue that the film is made for children, and why the fuck would they care about good CGI? Because it’s the adults who are paying for their tickets and also need to be considered! However, the fake look and lack of TLC in producing the graphics in this film really made this movie blow.
I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! LA-LA-LAAAAA!
For a movie dubbed Spy Kids, the kids I saw in this film didn’t do any spying. They just played with spy gadgets and stuff, but they did no spying on anyone. I mean, if the title of a movie is about actual Spy Kids why not have them do more spy stuff, and allow them to ultimately solve the mystery. The adults pretty much took care of anything. At least when I saw Baby Geniuses, I was delivered some genius disco dancers.
Uh–uh–uh–uh–Stayin Alive… STAYING ALIVE!
Breaking the 4th wall and speaking to the audience, is a major no no for me. I guess because it’s a children’s movie, it helps them understand what’s going on when they are spoken to, but I think we should give the children more credit than they currently get. My nephew told me, “Wow, that sucked.” (He’s 8).
Time Keeper (Jeremy Piven) sounds like his balls are caught in a vice or has a substance abuse problem with helium. Throughout the entire film he has a very high pitched voice and hurts my ears. Usually I’m able to channel out annoying noises and voices, but I couldn’t for Time Keeper.
If you have children who have seen parts 1 through 3 and also have a 6 pack of beer, you may enjoy this film playing the drinking game.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: whenever a “scratch and sniff” cog appears on screen.
Take a drink: whenever you heard the word TIME.
Take a drink: whenever a chase scene begins.
Take a drink: whenever there’s a bodily function joke.
Take a shot: whenever you see an Apple, Inc. logo.
Take a shot: whenever the Fourth Wall is broken and a cast member speaks to the movie audience.