Mean Machine (2001)

Mean Machine (2001)
Mean Machine (2001) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Katherine Balestrini (Three Beers) –

Mean Machine is based on the great 1974 film The Longest Yard, so much so it even has some of the same jokes. So off goes the disgraced footballer to jail to coach the guards’ football team. In which Danny decides to be clever (its ok Vinnie Jones got someone to read the script to him) and recommend the guards practise their football on the prisoners. Then the fun begins; that’s all that begins: just fun.

Vinnie Jones first leading role and sadly not his last!! Vinnie Jones should probably have taken some acting lessons, not many, but some. This man’s fame is purely from how violent he was on a football pitch!!! Like any British football star, we punished us instead of him and tried to make him a movie star.


So painful, it made Gazza look like a young Robin Williams and Vinnie Jones a household name!

There is some truly wasted talent in this film and Danny Dyer manages not to swear every second word, that itself should have got him nominated for an award. It does have some truly violently fun moments and should pat itself on the back for cementing the fact that Vinnie Jones cannot act, but head butts like a pro.


Football, Britain’s family sport!! Where else can you go to see real men beㅁt the shit out of each other for a ball?

A Toast

To an array of accents in this film ranging from every cockney to the random-est Scottish. A film not made any better by the accents, but in fact enhancing the fact that all people that are in British prisons are from Scotland or London.


The cockneys speak their own language, one not even they understand.

Beer Two

The eyebrows on the Governor, David Hemmings, are immense. Do you think he thought “it’s ok, I don’t need to control them; they will add something to the character I am playing!”? It was just distracting; every time he spoke I ended up staring at them. I think they even got their name on the title screen at the end. Or maybe it was to distract us from thinking, oh look a posh bloke, and bet he is evil.


He used to be a great actor, before his facial hair took over!

Beer Three


Helllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooo future husband. Yes, you can rescue me from my virginity.

Can’t believe I even have to mention it, but here goes. The advert at the beginning.  It should have been a sign of things to come, but did we listen? We thought we knew better didn’t we? Well, we didn’t…what a pile of unadulterated shite. Although there was some good out of it, a slow panning shot of Jason Statham’s stomach …purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.



All in all it’s enjoyable enough, if you put aside the acting and just focus on the violence and the new and colourful swearwords you can learn. Education isn’t just at school, it’s on your TV as well. Vinnie Jones does do some acting; he is a far more pretentious dick than this film portrays.


That’s how many acting lessons he took.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time someone swears

Take a Drink: every time someone kicks a ball

Do a Shot: when someone gets hurt enough to make you wince

Do a Shot: when someone uses an accent which is clearly not their own!

About Katherine Balestrini


  1. Henry J. Fromage

    I hadn’t know about Vinnie Jones’s infamous acting start before reading this… always sweet to get a Brit perspective on UK flicks & news.

  2. Why thanks Henry 🙂 You made me blush, that or I need to remember to breathe more often!!

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