By: Oberst von Berauscht (Six Pack) –
This sequel to the successful low budget CGI animated feature Hoodwinked tells the story of Red Riding Hood, working for a government agency to bring happy endings to fairy tales. This time, Hansel and Gretel have been kidnapped by an evil witch, and it is up to Red Riding Hood, Wolf, and the rest of the team to save them. But all is not what it seems.
You know what, forget toasting this movie. It was hard enough to write the synopsis without editorializing. So grab yourself a beer, and pay attention.
I would donate my sperm to an Ultra-Right Wing faction to aid in the creation of a deformed Hitler clone. I would worship upon the altar of Justin Bieber and sacrifice to my Barry Manilow God. I would jam a rusty spike right up my ass while making sweet love to a mesquite bush. I would tell Tommy Wiseau that The Room had a deeply touching story, and Tyler Perry that he’s got a good film in him some day. I would pay attention to Pat Robertson’s rants and go down on Fred Phelps. I would go to Girl-Porn Vampire Fantasy book club with Sheila from accounting. I’d rejoice over the final gasping breath of air from a dying child rather than watch Hoodwinked Too: Hood vs. Evil again.
The first thing you’ll notice about this film is that the animation technology seems to be on par with early 90’s video games. The film has so many diverse locations that would have been perfect to demonstrate an animator’s talent. Instead we are presented with flat forests, plastic characters, and low resolution cityscapes. The filmmakers couldn’t even figure out how to make the characters mouths move in conjunction with dialog.
The film proceeds to set up a series of jokes, one involving a goat singing and playing his banjo, another involving fake beards, and another involving someone saying “oh Muffins” just before something bad happens to him. I hope you enjoy these jokes, because you’re about to see them repeated every five goddamn minutes.
It is the cartoon equivalent of hunting down Secretariat, flogging it to death with a cane day after day, and even as its corpse becomes bloated by the sun and decomposes, you continue beating that metaphor straight to hell.
Grab yourself another cold one, because without it you’re going to have to hear the dialog. Is this is where the writers of Shrek put their unused ideas? The ideas for these jokes seem have germinated from some kind of creative thought process, only to contract a series of debilitating viral infections. The less said about the yodeling Special Forces unit, the better.
Terrible as the script is, it is made worse by some of the most uninspired voice acting I’ve heard. Bill Hader does a terrible German impression, Hayden Panttiere’s Red Riding Hood is stilted at best, and Joan Cusack is her typically annoying self. Patrick Warburton is the only one who manages to be interesting, and that is mostly because his “Wolf” is basically Brock Samson minus anger management issues.
Though I prefer the real thing
Have a final beer for the inflated cost of going to this movie in 3D. In my area, this movie was not being shown with a 2D option, so I had to pay $2.50 extra on ticket. There is nothing here that has any reason to be in 3D, and it instead highlights the many graphical flaws already present. The film’s use of 3D is a crass attempt to fool you into seeing depth in this two-dimensional story. This brought my ticket total to $9.50 for an 11:00pm showing. I’ve seen a lot of bad movies in theatres, but this time I genuinely want my money back.
I did some research, and found that “Kanbar Films”, the production company behind Hoodwinked Too, is the brainchild of entrepreneur Maurice Kanbar, inventor of Skyy Vodka. I hereby announce Movieboozer.com’s official boycott of the beverage. Until Maurice Kanbar personally reimburses me for the cost of my ticket, none of us will touch Skyy, or any related drink again.
I’ll never be clean again
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time the Goat appears
Down a Shot: whenever someone says “Muffins”
Take a Drink: to ease your eternal suffering