By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
Every so often, a special kind of fiasco film come along. Many pretenders claim the title, but too, too few of them have that special combination of innocent earnestness, blind ego, and pure, uncut incompetence that really sets them apart. Foodfight! has this in spades.
Foodfight! is basically Toy Story in a supermarket… or really desperately wants you to think that. It stars Charlie Sheen in full-on paycheck=more cocaine mode as Dex Dogtective, the Humphrey Bogart-for-some-goddam-reason-like protector of all of the brands of the supermarket, which come alive once the store closes. He’s about to propose to his cat-lady? Girlfriend (Hilary Duff) when she disappears, and something called Brand X shows up in the store and threatens all of the beloved brand icons. Now, with the help of a host of beloved brand icons and his sidekick/racist caricature Daredevil Dan (Wayne Fuckin’ Brady), he must fight the Nazi-esque Brand X hordes and save the supermarket.
Because Nazi symbolism and children’s movies go great together
The only positive thing to say about this film is that director Lawrence Kasanoff must be a hell of a Salesman to get so many corporations to give him the rights to use their mascots for this low-rent shitacular.
This is going to be really hard to boil down to five points. Because, fuck, I felt almost physically ill after this was over. Perhaps that was mostly due to the animation, which is full of the jerky movements and soulless dead eyes of N64 video game cut scenes, without the excuse from being from 19-fuckin’-96.
Or perhaps it because the animators go out of their way to make the most disgusting villains they can. Besides the fact that they’re Nazis, plain and simple, they all have faces out of a Mucinex commercial. The heroes don’t fare much better. The character design is so grotesquely ugly, it’s hard to fathom who this film was for. The blind?
Nothing has a patch on the main villain, though, a shuffling, eye-rolling visage of pure, unadulterated terror. If you show this to your child and they aren’t crippled by nightmares for weeks afterwards, I believe that’s legal grounds for institutionalizing them as future homicidal psychopaths.
What the filmmakers think passes for humor is no less horrifying or potentially debilitating to a child. If this script wasn’t written in one sitting and never revised again, I’m Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds. I could tell you about “chip-faced” characters or it being time to “banana-split out of here”, but Dex Dogtective’s last line sums it up perfectly; “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a Spam.”
Besides qualifying its writers for disability benefits, the sense of humor of this film is also rife with blatant sexual innuendos that even your five year old couldn’t miss, like a weird polysexual vampire bat, plus a hearty dose of racist caricaturing. Daredevil Dan is straight out of a minstrel show. He even gets hit in the face by a goddamn watermelon. I suspect Kasanoff’s only exposure to “subtlety” is that it was the word written on the baseball bat his father ruthlessly beat him with as a child, out behind the garden shed that shielded Lil’ Lawrence from humanity for his first twenty years, before he escaped to wreak his vengeance everywhere with Foodfight!
Holy fucking racist sidekicks, Batman!
There is more talent, dedication, and artistic integrity on display in a Patrice Wilson song than the music in this film. Give me Rebecca Black any day over this saccharine pap.
This is hands down the worst film I’ve ever seen. I heavily recommend you hunt down a copy and watch it immediately.
Take a Drink: every time a pun makes you want to claw out your ear canals
Take a Drink: every time you spot a brand mascot
Take a Drink: Yay racist caricatures!
Take a Drink: Yay incredibly unsubtle sexual innuendos!
Do a Shot: fucking fart joke (burps are mouth farts- they count, too)