By: Jenna Zine (Six Pack) – though I’d personally give it a case) –
The film follows hapless Bucky Larson, an earnest Midwestern grocery store employee whose life is sent into a spiral after he’s fired. He soon discovers he’s actually the child of two famous “actors” and sets off to Hollywood in hopes of following in his folks’ footsteps. The catch? His parents worked in the adult film industry. Wacky!
I really don’t know what happened here. Surely I should be reviewing How Does She Do It?. But somehow I’ve drawn the short straw – on purpose, because I actually told my editor I’d be willing to submit this review. In my defense, I didn’t know much about the film going in. I saw the list of cast members and thought, “How bad can it be?” It turns out the answer is, “I’d rather sit through a root canal… without Novocain.”
Who knew the oddball mix of Nick Swardson (as title character Bucky), Christina Ricci (as Kathy, Bucky’s virginal love interest), Don Johnson (as Miles Deep – yep, a director of porn), Stephen Dorff (as Dick Shadow – just guess) and Kevin Nealon (as Bucky’s psychotic Hollywood roommate) would make such a toxic mix? I’d only recently (somewhat) forgiven Adam Sandler for the horrid Grownups, given the slightly redeemable Just Go With It. But Happy Madison, Sandler’s production company, really screwed the pooch on this one. So to speak.
I can’t believe they made a feature-length film out of such a flimsy premise! I’m not even trying to pun off the porn theme. The movie is pathetic and had no business being made – especially given the amount of quality scripts I assume are languishing in some secret vault in Hollywood. For shame. Beyond inflicting ocular damage on any unsuspecting theatergoer, there’s also the issue of my reputation at my favorite movie theater. The look the clerk gave me when I requested a ticket was one of sheer astonishment… and pity. How will I ever be able to sneak in to see Shark Night 3D? A girl’s gotta get her popcorn fix somewhere.
I really wanted to walk out before I even got there. I was convinced there was something wrong with my car on the way to the theater. “Is my tire flat? What’s that clunking sound? Will I make it the seven miles to Cineplex on my full tank of gas?” Unfortunately my car made it just fine and I entered the building with my head hung in shame. I couldn’t even convince my sister-in-law to go with me – and she’s contractually obligated to be my friend!
The film opens with a brief, but highly disgusting, bestiality scene and actually goes downhill from there with a group masturbation porn-viewing party. Seriously. I wanted to cry.
If that doesn’t turn your stomach, the stereotypes will get you steamed. It’s absolutely offensive to everyone. I’m sorry to put this out there, but is Nick Swardson meaning to portray Bucky as mentally impaired? It’s really confusing and insulting to Iowans. No one is that sheltered or idiotic.
I have no idea what Christina Ricci did to deserve starring in this film; as a wide-eyed waitress who’s afraid of carrying trays. She was one of the best child actresses of her time and her transition to mature roles should’ve been seamless. I have no idea what happened. It’s also quite jarring to go from seeing Stephen Dorff’s nuanced performance in Sofia Coppola’s Somewhere to looking (and acting) like Axl Rose in heat for this one-note character. Though it must be noted that Dorff does play a slime ball with aplomb; he’s the only one who doesn’t look totally uncomfortable appearing in this mess.
Stephen Dorff can really nail a role when he’s in the mood – no pun intended.
It is an Adam Sandler film; so expect the script to rely on gross-out humor. And I mean really gross. We’re talking semen that flies everywhere. One of the running “jokes” in the film is, “I saw him come, but I don’t know where it went!” Oh yes, they go there. I wanted to vomit. Or “vom,” as “the kids” say. You’ll also grow tired of the gag about Bucky’s lack of manhood looking like a hairy vagina. An actual line compares Larson’s package to a “bucktoothed dyke with a large clit.” I just about fell off my chair in shock – and I don’t shock easily. I can’t make this stuff up. The premise is so bizarre, inappropriate and painfully unfunny. It’s about as far from Boogie Nights as you could get. This horror show is made even creepier by the soundtrack. It’s scored like one of Sandler’s family friendly films – which it distinctly is not.
I laughed exactly once – when Kevin Nealon’s character complains about his old roommate to Bucky, saying that the former roomie had gone off to New York to become a rock star and stiffed him on the rent. He shakes his fist and says, “Goddamn you, John Mayer!” It took three writers to cobble together this script and that’s the best they could come up with between their brain trust. Sad.
By the time it came to Bucky and Kathy’s love scene I was beyond losing my lunch. But I was able to muster up some sickness when it’s reveled that Bucky and Kathy don’t have a condom and decide to use a straw for protection instead. She simply snips off a small piece and melts the end with a candle to seal it. “It fits,” he happily exclaims. I don’t even know what to say.
Pathetic. The money wasted on this film should’ve been donated to a good cause. The cause being the end of Nick Swardson’s career.
This is really, truly one of the worst movies of all time. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It lacks everything you could possibly hope for in a film.
Bonus Drinking Game
As you read above, I drove myself to the movie theater. I feel compelled to mention that this is only what I wanted to drink. I would’ve loved to get shitfaced for this film – if only in hopes that I could blur the memory. But it didn’t happen that way. I absolutely do not endorse drunk or buzzed driving. I never do it and neither should you. Seriously.
Take a drink: every time you think, “What’s the point of this film?”
Take a drink: every time you see an actor of quality on screen and think, “How can he or she sink so low?”
Take a drink: every time a piece of dialogue shocks you.
Take a drink: every time you’re grossed out by something Bucky does.
There may have been additional scenes during, or after, the credits – but frankly I don’t know and don’t give a damn. I couldn’t get out of the theater fast enough. You’re on your own!