By: Oberst von Berauscht (Four Beers) –
In Bodyguard, Salman Khan plays Lovely Singh, a guard for Divya (Kareena Kapoor), the daughter of wealthy aristocrat. Naturally, this being a Bollywood movie, he falls in love with her in a forbidden romance. But it isn’t that simple, as he doesn’t know he’s falling in love with her, because she is pretending to be somebody else. And somewhere in there he has to save her from an evil people trafficker who tries to kill her with a remote control helicopter.
If that doesn’t make much sense it is very unfortunate, because you’ve got two more hours of it to watch.
Indian actor Salman Khan is a badass extraordinaire, and the prospect of taking on an army of bad-guys while protecting the life of his client is just practice. Salman Khan does not wash his cloths, because his sweat does that for him. Salman Khan has often been compared as the “Indian Chuck Norris”, but in reality Chuck Norris is the American Salman Khan, who never took dance lessons.
Salman Khan had a paper route as a child… there were no survivors
It is obvious why he is one of India’s most popular film stars, he is ass kicking, good looking, and of course as is obligatory in Indian cinema, he can dance like a motherfucker.
Yeah, the ladies dig the bodyguard
One of the weakest elements of the film is the character of Tsunami Singh (Rajat Rawail), whose comedy-relief antics would rank poorly against the lowest of the low in Hollywood.
Once you’ve sunk to Kevin James territory, the law says you can be put down.
The romantic-comedy hijinks in which Divya woos Lovely Singh over the cell phone amounts to some of the worst cockteasing seen on film since Chicken Run, and nowhere near as amusing. Instead of making Divya seem hard-to-get; it makes her seem like a tremendous bitch. This makes it all the more terrible that the film’s ending ultimately unites the couple, despite all the shit she put him through. How anyone can consider this a “happy” ending, I cannot fathom.
Frankly, there is no reason to have musical sequences in a movie such as this, other than to sell soundtrack albums. The songs themselves range everywhere from “catchy, though pointless” to “earwormish” to “stab me in the ears with dull hunting knife” (and lean heavily on the latter).
Ultimately, there is an anarchic feel to the movie that does allow you to check your brain at the door, and enjoy the madness. I’m not certain that I didn’t laugh more at the movie than with it, but I had a decent enough time, so I guess it was worth it?
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: for every pointless musical sequence
Down a Shot: for every time comedic “coincidence” starts to become obnoxious
Take a Drink: for the moment you look at your watch and realize there is still an hour and a half to go