By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Four Beers) –
A radical Islamist plans to sneak suicide bombers into the United States. To accomplish this, he teams up with his former classmate, a Jewish smuggler with connections. Together they plot the destruction of liberty, freedom, rights, puppy dogs, birthday cake, and happiness. In a world where America’s enemies search for new and creative ways to destroy us, life is precious… and God… and the Bible. But all of that is just a walk in the park for the Navy Seals, who work tirelessly to save the day.
This movie is American, it is as American as sitting on the porch eating apple pie off a plate made of processed cheese-food in one hand, and shooting an endangered species with the other, while your overweight, McDonalds-fed wife massages your back-fat with pure bacon grease.
We call it “Sunday”
In an unprecedented move, real soldiers and sailors were used to populate the cast, which helps to lend the production a level of authenticity that might have otherwise left the film feeling like a re-tread of a certain unmentionable 80’s movie starring Charlie Sheen.
Although the actual combat sequences are well shot and gripping, things start to fall apart in the planning sequences, where the dialog feels strained and often awkward. For the most part this is forgivable, as the Seals are not actors, however lines are often spoken which are so painfully expository you’d think George Lucas punched up the script.
I’ve complained about it before, and I’ll do it again until they stop, but there is absolutely no reason for the entire movie to be shot in extreme close-ups and hand held. And if you absolutely have to, at least know how the focus works. Some scenes are so blurry they might as well be used as evidence of Sasquatch.
1000 lb monster or ninja infiltrating a Rogaine factory?
Ultimately, the biggest problem is the story, which takes almost no time in character development. I need to know a little bit more about our protagonists than a few lines of glib banter.
There, that’s better
The flaw is especially noticeable at the film’s climax, where a major player sacrifices himself, and I found myself distracted for a few minutes trying to remember who this man was, and how he fit into the story. This brought the film to a screeching halt during an otherwise impeccable final action sequence. When taken from the perspective of 1940’s war pictures, (where all you needed to know was that John Wayne was the good guy) this movie might compare fairly, but since the film’s stars are not recognizable actors it demands more time to be spent getting to know them.
Watchable action, tune out the rest.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: each time the unnecessary narration kicks in
Take a Drink: anytime you see an American Flag
Drink a Shot: when blur-cam starts to make you dizzy.