5 Reasons The Avengers will kick Batman’s Ass (At the Box Office)

At the time of this writing Marvel’s The Avengers has officially crossed the billion-dollar mark in the box office worldwide, and destroyed everything in its path. This many records haven’t been smashed so quickly since the clerk at Sam Goody criticized Bruce Banner’s music purchase.

The record-store chain filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection the next day… coincidence?

In a few months we shall see the release of The Dark Knight Rises, the third and final film in Christopher Nolan’s vision of the Batman series. And of course, along the way, there will be a new Spiderman thrown in for good measure. Comic book geeks are becoming so well-laid that cases of carpal tunnel syndrome are expected to reach pandemic proportions.

Not to burst anyone’s bubble, but something has to give.  Hollywood simply doesn’t have the proper facilities to fellate this many nerds at one time.

San Diego on the other hand…

The fact remains that there is a lot riding on these films; and with a production cost set at slightly more than the GDP of Azerbaijan, investors are certainly feeling the pinch. History is already being written about the financial triumph that is The Avengers, but what of Batman? Well, if you ask me…

(5.) The Nolan films are too heavy handed

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that Christopher Nolan’s Batman films are bad, or even too dark for my own tastes. But I will say that they are too dark for younger audiences, and therefore less likely for parents to  take their kids to see. The Avengers on the other hand blends colorful characters with clever humor. But more importantly, not once in the film is Iron Man faced with the moral decision of saving Pepper Potts, or allowing a busload of schoolchildren to be dissolved in a vat of acid.

Ok, so maybe the decision isn’t so difficult…

(4.) Batman is only one guy

Love it or hate it, 2005’s Batman Begins divided audiences; it was with 2008’s The Dark Knight that the excitement for Christopher Nolan’s franchise really began.  Iron Man came out in 2008 as well, which is most certainly the film that launched fans into a Marvel frenzy.  So, we have had the same amount of time to hype both series, time that Marvel Studios has used to produce four more fairly successful films, all of which tie directly into the story of The Avengers movie.  Meanwhile, The Dark Knight Rises was being filmed in extreme secrecy, and was only revealed to your average filmgoer in the form of a teaser trailer a little less than a year ago.

The Avengers has three superhero characters that have proven to be bankable (four if you count the Incredible Hulk). Plus the series features Samuel L. Jackson and is directed by that weird white guy with a creepy foot fetish.

Not this white guy, the other one…

(3.) Catwoman has never worked (in movies)

Michelle Pfieffer’s turn as Catwoman in Batman Returns was always the film’s weakest aspect, a boring attempt to give Michael Keaton a love interest, as well as provide the film with a second villain to pad the runtime.  And the only good thing to come out of Halle Berry’s version was her being the only actress to personally accept the Razzie Award for worst actress.  I guess I should say something about Julie Newmar or Lee Meriwether from the Adam West iteration of Batman…

At least she didn’t act like a pussy all the time…

(2.) Who in the shit is Bane?

As anyone who has been to Comic-Con knows, the Comics themselves have become a side-attraction to the movies, cartoon series, video games and other media. And, let’s face it, the average Joe-consumer is able to name maybe three or four villains off the top of their head. What made The Dark Knight work so well was the fact that Heath Ledger and Aaron Eckhart took two of the most well-known comic villains of all time and brilliantly put a spin on them, one that was both fun to watch and disturbing to contemplate.

Bane is a cool villain, and definitely a unique choice as the bad-guy who presents Christian Bale’s Batman with his biggest challenge. But unless Joe Whitey McConsumer decides to google Bane, they are likely to go into The Dark Knight Rises with the following expectations:

This isn’t good for anybody…

(1.) And speaking of expectations…

There were about a million potential problems with combining all the Marvel Heroes into a two and a half hour epic, not the least of which being fan and critic expectations. Yet the film managed to successfully surmount the issues. Looking at the nearly unanimous praise The Avengers has received, it is only understandable that The Dark Knight Rises is facing a huge challenge. Indeed, living up to such lofty expectations is going to be difficult, near impossible… but  Christopher Nolan is up to the task, if anyone is.  I can’t help but feel the pangs of future disappointment though.

And, in conclusion, I…

I… really…

I…


Do you agree with Oberst? Or are you now plotting his assassination?  Leave a comment below!

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they're confused about something) at least a few times a week. I've gotten way off track here... The point is, Oberst is one of the website's founders, so... yeah

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