5 Classic Conspiracy Thrillers they should Remake (And how Hollywood would ruin them)

By: Oberst Von Berauscht 

I’m on to Hollywood… I’ve seen what they’ve done, and I know what they’re up to now.  I know that every move they make is nothing but a calculated plan to avoid new and original ideas by capitalizing on ones that already worked.  Oh, but now you’ll accuse me of being paranoid?… Do I put on my best tinfoil hat every morning just as a fashion statement?

Paranoid, Hell!

Well listen up JACK, I know what you can do.  Roman Polanski, HA!… he found out too, and look what happened to him. I’m not paranoid, I’m being realistic.  Maybe you think it’s a green initiative, recycling old trash?  Well then, if that’s the case, I might have some ideas of my own…

(5.) Marathon Man

If your dentist reads Mein Kampf… get a second opinion

How it will be ruined

Eli Roth… or any other torture-porn filmmaker of his ilk will surly get ahold of this movie and stretch it’s best scene out over 90 minutes. You see, a cheap alternative to coming up with interesting dialog, or characters you actually care about is to simply exploit the living shit out of the violence.  The torture scene in Marathon Man managed to become one of the most memorable sequences in film history, and it is less than eight minutes long from start to finish.

(4.) All the President’s Men

The true-saga of Journalists Woodward and Bernstein as they uncover the Watergate Conspiracy.

How it will be ruined

Oliver Stone will get the rights, and instead make a film about the Monica Lewinsky Scandal, the movie will be renamed All the President’s (se)Men.

Devil in a Blue Dress (covered with Sperm) was deemed too long of a title…

(3.) Seven Days in May

A fascinating film from director John Frankenheimer about a military plot to take over the presidency.

How it will be Ruined

Roland Emmerich will make it on a $200 million dollar budget, and will use it as yet another excuse to show the White House explode.

(2.) Soylent Green

It’s People… that’s all you need to know

How it will be ruined

It will still be people, but Will Smith will star in the film, and will expose the news to the press, causing the company to be overthrown and the remaining people saved. Thus making the film a pseudo sequel to the similarly ruined I am Legend.

(1.) North By Northwest

In a film of Iconic images, this is one of the most enduring…

How it will be ruined

God Damn you, George Lucas…

Do you Agree with Oberst’s predictions?

Are there any other conspiracy movies that should be remade?

Is the capitol of Nebraska “Lincoln”?

Leave a comment and let us know!

Also, check out these other fancy articles:

5 Reasons The Avengers will Kick Batman’s ass (At the Box Office)

Ten Board Game Adaptations Better than Battleship

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they're confused about something) at least a few times a week. I've gotten way off track here... The point is, Oberst is one of the website's founders, so... yeah

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