By: Wonko The Sane (Six Beers) –
Laughing in the face of all that is good and decent in the world, The Asylum has done it again. 2-Headed Shark Attack is the latest in a long-running line of ridiculous and awesome monster movies that are so good they totally bypass the theaters and go straight to DVD. These CGI-Laden catastrophes of cinema have neither the time, the inclination, nor the budget to be artistic. Indeed, these films are meant to be served fresh out of the bargain-bin and with a heaping helping of greasy food and hard liquor. And god… how I love them.
We can now say we know what would happen if Jaws’ mother hadn’t kicked drugs before getting pregnant.
Two heads are better than one?
The story begins with a group of disposable coeds on a luxury cruise for class credit. (And apparently they are getting all sciencey and stuff.) A shark attacks the hull of the ship, and they take refuge on an island… that apparently sinks… because the shark eats it… I think? Oh, and the annoying people get eaten, because sharks are good like that.
Apparently Carmen Electra lost a bet or something, because her performance in this movie is not even passable by Baywatch standards. I found myself in awe of the flubbed lines, not just from her though. Filling out the cast is a series of models and bros so vapid that you start to count the minutes before they get eaten. I haven’t cheered so loudly at the death of an actor since Ralph Fiennes,
Because it meant that I could finally go to the bathroom…
The filmmakers put you right into the action from the beginning, none of that Spielbergian building of tension and suspense that might actually give the viewer some emotional response. Pretty much every asylum movie works this way though, the sin of a whole studio can hardly be blamed on one director.
That is, until you read his resume’
Beer Four, Five
I may be cheating a little on this one, but let me just say for the record that I don’t care. the CGI effects utilized in this film are a step back by Sega Saturn standards. And easily deserving of two entire beers. This isn’t a new development for The Asylum, but some of their recent movie have featured slightly improved visuals (The Dragons in Dragon Crusaders for instance could have been voiced by Sean Connery) it is a shame to see them scale back to such an embarrassing level. Then again, It could also be that the guys at The Asylum have created a genre of film all to themselves; the “self-aware half-parody”. Most of their films take themselves way more seriously than they have any right to do, but are full of moments so ludicrous that no sane mind could have accepted them as “passable”.
And when they’re actually using practical effects, they look like this:
I… have no joke here.
The movie is lazy, unoriginal, shamelessly crude, and fucking awesome!
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: for the death count.
Take a Drink: for bewbs!
Drink a Shot: for close up shots of the rubber shark that clearly don’t match with the CGI render.