Take a Drink: every time Michelangelo makes some reference to April being his girlfriend.
Do a Shot: for every Whoopi Goldberg scene (a good one for lightweights–you’ll be taking two shots).
Take a Drink: whenever the words “turtles,” “teenagers,” “mutant” or “ninjas” are spoken.
Chug your Beer: for the duration of any scene or line that involves product placement.
Do a Shot: for every reference to the old versions.
By: Hawk Ripjaw (Five Beers) –
Hi, I’m Megan Fox’s butt!
and today I’m here with Hawk Ripjaw to talk about my new movie, produced by my super secret fuck buddy Michael Bay. Nobody knows about us! Don’t tell them!
This movie is about turtles, who are ninjas. Also they’re mutants. And they’re teenagers! Betcha couldn’t guess that! And this movie has the most complex, exciting plot that I’ve ever been a part of! Even more complicated than Transformers, Jennifer’s Body, and Jonah Hex!
Author’s note: I’m not actually sure if this is supposed to be sarcasm or not, because I get a headache when I try to figure out which of her movies has the most intricate plot
I star as April O’Neill’s butt, and April is a super-smart reporter that HUURRRR–
–Sorry, she’s a super smart reporter that just doesn’t get any respect! She wants all the good scoops, but instead gets the dumb ones, like having to jump on a mini trampoline. But she’s dedicated so she goes looking for her own stories! That’s when she learns that there are vigilantes that are stopping the big crime wave in New York at the hands of the Foot Clan. They’re an evil paramilitary force (that was my bestie Michael Bay’s idea) that are led by a big scary Asian guy in a big robot suit made of knives, and he’s named the Shredder!! And he’s joined by a guy named Eric Sacks (William Fichtner) who’s way rich, and he used to work with my daddy on experiments where they injected turtles with a serum from outer space! And those turtles were my pets, and now they’re the ninjas! But Sacks is evil, and he wants to release a virus on New York and then sell the antidote to be super rich and rule the new quarantine zone with Shredder! It’s the most complex, evil plan ever in a movie!! But the Turtles are going to stop him!
Hawk, I know how much you loved this movie. Why don’t you give our readers the scoop.
And do you have some mouthwash?
There are exactly two moments of merit in this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot. The first is a comedic scene, shockingly. It was also in the trailers (sarcastic shockingly), and it involves the turtles beatboxing in an elevator. Mildly charming.
The second is the lone cool action sequence of the movie, where a big rig driven by the heroes hurtles down a snowy mountaintop, pursued by the Foot. It’s over-the-top, exciting, creative, and has a lot of moving parts that are balanced quite well. Why the hell Liebesman couldn’t do this for the whole movie after making such a stupidly entertaining movie with Wrath of the Titans is beyond me. Could have something to do with the fact that Wrath wasn’t produced by Michael Bay.
Turtle designs be damned, but the CGI and motion capture for the turtles is top notch. It’s strikingly easy to forget these characters are computer creations and even as I was actively hating the Turtles, I was hating the Turtles and not the guys portraying them. Except for Johnny Knoxville as Leonardo. Fuck that guy.
Finally, the movie generally nails the overall personalities of the Turtles which, truth be told, shouldn’t be that fucking hard when each one falls cleanly into a massive stereotype. I’d be surprised if any writer couldn’t write out a leader, a hothead, a surfer, and a nerd. There are other little bits the movie nails, such as Raphael’s toothpick, and how each Turtle’s attire fits with his personality and weapon.
Even that sweet mountaintop scene was a little erratic with the camera. The rest of the movie’s action is horribly chaotic. It’s like Jonathan Liebesman called in Paul “The Bourne Parkinson’s” Greengrass to film the action scenes, because they’re so fucking shaky and erratic it’s like chugging a bottle of Jose Cuervo and taking a piggyback ride on Melissa McCarthy.
Sorry Megan Fox’s butt, but Megan Fox’s acting was bad. Like, really bad. As in, she did better staring at CGI Splinter than she did with flesh and bones Will Arnett. Arnett is criminally wasted as April’s cameraman/driver on demand, existing only to look at April’s butt, be sad that he’s not banging her, and be available for April to ask him to drive her somewhere. If only she knew:
Even apart from the terrible dialogue, the film itself is just massively stupid on its own. You heard, Megan Fox’s butt. Sacks wants to release a toxin, then sell the Turtle’s blood as the cure, then control the city with Shredder and become, in his words, “Like, stupid rich.” This movie apparently exists in a world in which the National Guard does not. Although if you’re a Republican, you can just write this off as something that Obama wouldn’t care about, but political bias is a bit immature for an article about 6-foot-tall turtles that can do karate.
If someone wants to let me know if there are any snow mountaintops in the Manhattan area, please let me know, because somehow Sacks found one and built a massive mansion/lab/military stronghold/dojo up there. It’s like the ultimate bad guy crib and the 2015 version can turn into a submarine.
And how do Splinter and the Turtles learn to be martial arts masters?
Well, Splinter finds a book called “Ninjutsu.” And he reads it, becomes a martial arts master and teaches it to the Turtles. You know, just like anyone does.
There’s a fucking Pizza Hut commercial. And not even in the traditional “Hey there’s a TV and Pizza Hut on.” Splinter endorses the $12.99 5-Cheese pizza from Pizza Hut. And he literally says all of that. The pizza is referred to as a “culinary impossibility.” And then Splinter proceeds to hold a slice of the pizza, IN THREE FUCKING D, and names the types of cheeses on the Pizza Hut 5 Fucking Cheese Pizza. It is likely the most egregious form of product placement I have ever witnessed in cinema.
It’s the worst, but not the only instance of product placement in the movie. The Windows phone gets to shine as everyone and their mother appears to carry one, and at one point we get not only an extreme close-up of the phone itself, but a very obviously labeled Skype call. Amusingly, the Windows phone camera must be shit because none of the pictures April takes are even remotely good quality. At one point, she can’t even take one because of the low light. There are multiple mentions of Orange Crush as well.
Now, I get that product placement is part of the Turtles and what they do. Hell, you can hardly pick up anything Turtles-related without being subjected to a fucking Pizza Hut commercial.
I’ll be honest though: those individually Turtles-themed Cheesy Bites pizzas from Pizza Hut are really tasty.
Will fans enjoy it? Beats the shit out of me. I don’t recall the original films too much but I am a fan of the turtles themselves in both comic and video game form. Yeah, the concept is dumb, and this movie is dumb in all the wrong ways.
And for everyone accusing me of having an unfair bias against “a fun, mindless kid’s movie:”