Take a Drink: whenever
Take a Drink: whenever you see a ghost.
Take a Drink: whenever someone dies.
Take a Drink: whenever you can feel the apathy of the lead actors.
Take a Drink: whenever you can tell this movie was sponsored by Hasbro.
And if you really wanna get drunk,
Do a Shot: whenever someone plays or mentions Ouija.
By: StarvinMarvinMcFly (Six Pack) –
I try to always make the case that any movie can have some redeeming qualities to it.
Except these kind of movies.
This studio-produced, assembly line dreck that is carefully calculated to make a certain amount of money in the opening weekend (thanks to the accessible, teen directed PG-13 rating) and then forgotten about like a limited time only food item at your fast food restaurant du jour that doesn’t quite make a splash they wanted to. It’s a product, it’s something made to turn a profit and that’s about it.
Way back when I was a young lad more concerned about the girl sitting next to me, this would’ve been a harmless distraction, a scary movie less scary than made of loud music stings designed to get her to latch onto my arm more and more. Especially during October, this would be exactly what I needed as a kid, and I was hoping against hope that there would at least be an honest effort made out of it. Now that I’m trying to find the value behind what’s actually happening on screen I’m almost offended.
Hey, at least it’s not a remake. Some of the scares are decent, if obviously telegraphed from other, better movies. You’re going to have lots of déjà vu for Paranormal Activity, Insidious, Sinister, and all the other good, original horror movies that have come out recently. Olivia Cooke stole my heart on Bates Motel and she’s just really damn cute; horror needs eye candy so that’s a plus.
It might be worse than a remake – it’s based on a board game. Yep, because Battleship turned out so well, right? That’s even if Ouija counts as a board game, while I’ve always sort of regarded it as more of an activity or event; a portable séance, maybe. But here, it turns out, IT REALLY ISN’T A GAME. Or no, it totally is. When a plot twist involves the official and subsequently “binding” rules of the game the movie is centered around (think Jumanji but way more contrived) you should’ve rethought that part of the script, or rethought writing the script at all. But again, this is a product designed to make a certain return – Hollywood as a business model. Just imagine how many original ideas a la Oculus (shameless plug: review here) were turned down to make a Hasbro-sponsored movie about a Ouija board.
If you’ve made it far enough for a third beer, you’re probably wondering who the hell are these “actors”. This is the new face of one-dimensional horror victims, same as the old face. They’re pretty faced nothings who can’t serve a line of dialogue to save their lives – in this movie, literally. In probably the most egregious example of the movie borrowing, the one key player in the mystery of the Ouija deaths is played by Lin Shaye, who was most recently in the Insidious movies. She’s technically a B movie icon now, so it’s not that much straight lifting, but once you see the rest of the plot developments and how they come into play, you’ll be wishing you were watching Insidious again. Sorry Stiles White, you’re no James Wan. You’re not even Obi-Wan.
Beer Four, Five, & Six
Like me, you’ll wish you had had the immoral standing or the chutzpah to sneak into this. Kill the sixer to make the loss of money feel better.
Sigh. This is the dark side of Hollywood, the one where they will release an assembly line travesty just to make some money. The death of originality was started long ago, but it’s these movies, not remakes but ones based on products, that make it sting all the more. It’s plodding, and as lifeless as the cardboard box the game comes in. You might as well buy a Ouija board yourself, get some friends together, and play it. You’ll scare yourselves more than this movie ever will.