Noah (2014)

noahposterBy: Hank Bagwell (Three Beers) –

Noah.  Not just a bible story.  Matter of fact, other than the name, the gigantic boat full of paired animals and… let me see… yeah, that’s it, it’s no bible story at all.  So before you get your panties in a bunch, let’s have a come to Jesus meeting and talk about things.


First of all, Noah has been banned in several Middle Eastern countries because of the way it “depicts a prophet”… Whatever in the hell that means.  I mean, the prophets weren’t all that sane to begin with.  Noah screamed, yelled, and cursed his grandson to be a slave.  You see, Noah got off the Ark,


got blitzed on some homemade wine,


passed out naked, then gets mad because one of his sons tells the others so they can cover him up, so when he wakes up, he curses the son’s (Ham) kid.


Just imagine Mel Gibson after a fifth of Fireball whiskey and a few lines of cocaine… or Gary Busey… sober.  It was like that.


Either way, you get the picture.  I wonder if they would have banned it with that version?  You know… depicting him that way… the way it actually happened… Stupid sons of bitches.

The other fine, upstanding folks at the National Religious Broadcasters said they would “boycott” the film unless the films distributor and co-financier issued a statement saying that the film is not a literal interpretation of the scriptures in Genesis…


“Thank God they did that, bein’s that I can’t read ‘n all.  No uh?  Whattaya mean, no uh?  OHHHH!!!  NOAH!  Yeah, we’s learned ‘bout him!  So there’s this guy and God reaaaaaaally likes him and his family, so before he floods the earth, he tells this here fella, Noah, to build this big boat and pair up animals, so that when the flood is over, they can go… you know… do it… like they do on the discovery channel, annnnnnnd some of my favorite websites.  Oh, and then there’s a rainbow.”


Right.  We can read.  Thank you broadcasters for your concern, but that’s the story, minus my alternate ending mentioned above.

Oh, and before this rant moves on, I’m annoyed by you people who have taken the release of this film as an opportunity to express your atheism.  Nobody fucking cares if you think it’s fictional or not.  You think it’s cute; I think you’re a douche nugget.  So shut your dick holster, prove to the world that the best part of you wasn’t swallowed by your mother, and just watch the fucking movie for what it is… a movie.  Not a chance for any of you twats to make a political or religious statement.

“Ohhh it’s a fictional movie based on a fictional book”  “blah blah blah”.


I think all this controversy was more about organizations wanting to be in the lime light, rather than let a story of faith and family (which are so rare in Hollywood these days) fill the hearts of its audience.  So… Now that we’ve got the fidiots out of the way, let’s talk about the film.


The guy who co-wrote and directed this film, like myself, has had an interest and appreciation for the story of Noah since he was a small child.  You may or may not recognize the name, Darren Aronofsky, but you know his work- Requiem for a Dream, The Wrestler, and Black Swan.   He teams with his cinematographer from Black Swan, Matthew Libatique, who was the same guy who shot Iron Man 1 & 2, Cowboys and Aliens, Gothika, and The Number 23.

This story of Noah, played by Russell Crowe, is full of beautiful shots, scenes, and dialogue.  Aside from what we already know, (old guy, boat, animals) Noah tells a beautiful story about a family man whose desire to serve his creator pushes him to his limit.  In a world where all faith in God, humanity, and self has been lost, Noah struggles between the loyalty of his faith and the love of his family.  There’s also this badass king, played by Ray Winstone, and his legions of men who want to take the ark for themselves.  Noah persuades a few helpers, called Watchers, who have a vested interest in restoring humanity, and it creates an epic battle scene that can compare with anything 300 or the such has to offer.  Every character struggles with right and wrong, and their own shame and selfishness.  This is a movie you could take your kids to.  I don’t recall one profane word in the entire film, and that my friends, is fucking awesome.


I thought the supporting cast of Emma Watson, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, and Logan Lerman (the kid from Percy Jackson) did a fantastic job.  Also, while watching the credits, I see Nick Nolte’s name but I never saw him.  I had to do a little research to find him.  He was one of the Watchers.  A lot of folks think that he just did a voice-over but that’s not true.  He was actually the Watcher.  They saved a ton on costume design there.


A Toast

I liked it.  It was heartfelt and shot beautifully.  The dialogue is well-written and delivered, the special effects are as good as anything you’ll see in Lord of the Rings and, last but not least, Crowe and Winstone are incredible.

I loved the job the art department did too.  You never hear too much about those guys and that’s a good thing.  Most of the time, if they are mentioned, it’s because they were shit.  In this case, I loved the black dirt.  Although this is a film about love and faith, it is constantly shrouded in darkness by this dirt.  From their hands and faces, to the sealer on the ark, the feeling of humanity is seen from start to finish.  It’s not a touchy-feel good film, yet somehow manages not to be a “lesson” or “cause” film.  Go see it.  It’s a movie you can enjoy with your family and a tub of buttery popcorn, or with a bottle of gin and a date you find at a truck stop.


Beer Two

Although I enjoyed the movie for what it taught, it seemed to try and make too many people happy.  Without giving away too much, it’s not a movie unless the main character has some sort of redeemable flaw, and since they didn’t use the real story, they had to improvise.  It wasn’t my favorite part of the storyline but I won’t spoil it for you.


Beer Three

For what it was, I thought they could have made the film a bit shorter.  It runs two hours and eighteen minutes which, in my opinion, is about thirty minutes too long.  Bigger isn’t always better.

“Heh!  That’s what she said.”

“She must have just been trying to make you feel better.”




Go see the movie just to piss off the assholes.  We need more films like this one.  It’s a good flick.  You’ll dig it.  Take a hooker with you and let everyone else play the, “What’s she doing with him?” game.  We all need enlightenment.


Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time there is a time jump.

Take a Drink: every time you see a snake.

Take a Drink: every time you are confused by who Emma Watson wants to get nekkid’ with.

Take a Drink: every time you see a Watcher in their light form.

Take a Drink: every time Noah, himself, opens or closes the ark.

Do a Shot: every time a group of animals show up.

About Hank Bagwell

One comment

  1. Being a catholic, I enjoy a movie that pisses off people that believe that Gods word is the only word we should listen to. For example, not sure God wanted the Pope to have that much money, power etc…..Cant wait to see Noah kick some arse 🙂

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