By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
One magical day, I strolled into the Korean theater I frequent to watch whatever summer blockbuster flavor of the week was there at the time, and saw this:
Fuck to the Yes
Now, I don’t really speak Korean, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. So, this review of Mr. Go (I think Korean for “Baseball Gorilla”, which I’ll be referring to this movie as from now on) is without the benefit of understanding any of the dialogue. I don’t think it makes much of a difference.
Baseball Gorilla is about a twelve-year old Chinese girl with her own circus for some reason, which she runs via child labor and elder abuse. She also has not one, but two! baseball gorillas, but one looks like Tim Roth from Planet of the Apes, so screw him. For some reason, a Korean talent scout catches wind of her non-ugly gorilla, and signs him to play baseball for Korea’s major league, probably to save the circus or something. Will Baseball Gorilla lead his team to victory, or maul them all to death? Failing that, will the Chinese gangsters who move into the Circus of Abandoned Children find a way to get Evil Baseball Gorilla into baseball and/or will HE maul everyone to death? Either way, clearly somebody’s getting mauled.
Besides the obvious appeal of two of the most dissimilarly awesome things ever, at one point the talent scout and the gorilla get drunk together. If that’s not toastable, nothing is. Also, Evil Baseball Gorilla ends up being a closer, which is just perfect.
And he still has a better attitude than John Rocker
Clearly, when you put an unrestrained and uncaged gorilla in a stadium full of screaming people, then whip hard objects at him, he’s going to kill somebody. I can only assume that a lot of the dialogue refers to the destructive rampages he went on before he settled down, but things would have been clearer if they had just shown the carnage.
I was going to make a joke about Baseball Gorilla having A-Rod knees, but it turns out A-Rod’s issues are with his hips. Anyway, steroids. Baseball Gorilla’s clearly on more of them than A-Rod and Ryan Braun put together, and now his body’s starting to break down. This movie misses a gold opportunity to educate on the perils of steroid abuse.
His head is still smaller than Barry Bonds’s got
This movie operates in a world of Looney Tunes physics. The defenders all pirouette around in a way that suggests the only way they know how to catch a ball is in mid-air, and I don’t care who you are, you don’t walk off a 120 mph fastball point-blank to the forehead like at least two characters do here.
That’s more realistic
Korea’s Major League, the KBO, is mental in this. The only remotely sane individual, the old guy yelling what I assume are warnings about how terrible of an idea this is, is made into the villain. I mean, outside of the obvious danger, you would never catch MLB allowing massive unnatural freaks surly the purity of the game.
Meanwhile, the supposed hero of the movie, the little Chinese girl, is a straight-up sociopath. When she’s not neglecting the younger children in her care, endangering everyone by shirking her job, or gleefully obliterating poor moths who never hurt nobody with her whip, she’s straight-up abusing Baseball Gorilla. At the climax, the poor guy is one false step from his knee exploding, but even after watching a video of him saving her life she shakes the poor beast out of his fitful sleep and goads him into batting against Evil Baseball Gorilla, for no apparent reason than her amoral capriciousness.
What a bitch.
If all you need is a CGI gorilla hitting homeruns to entertain you, then Mr. Go has you covered.
Take a Drink: gorilla + baseball, fool. Represent!
Take a Drink: every time you’re pretty sure something inspirational is happening
Take a Drink: whenever the little girl talks “Gorilla”
Chug: when Baseball Gorilla does