Take a Drink: for every spell cast or chanted.
Take a Drink: anytime somebody corks it. Bonus Shot: for the fake-outs.
Take a Sip: whenever you hear “Dead Man’s Toe” or “Book” or “Hollywood” or “Thackery Binx/Binx” or “Virgin” or “Hocus Pocus”.
Take a Drink: each time Seabiscuit (Sarah Jessica Parker) or Bette Midler start singing. Bonus Shot: whenever they “ride the pole”.
Take a Drink: anytime the modern day confuses the witches. Bonus Shot: whenever it should but doesn’t.
Shotgun a Beer: when the witches blow the ultimate load.
By: Felix Felicis (A Toast)-
Ahhhh the 90’s, how do I adore thee? Let me count the ways… You gave us slap bracelets, Lisa Frank, Backstreet Boys, and cult classic after cult classic film. Srssly, I could crush and snort a line of some of the most beloved nostalgia of our generation (in-between killing a Tamagotchi and not kissing people on the mouth) no sweat. Hocus Pocus is one of a number in that pantheon; an adorable, family-friendly gem you could watch every Halloween with the kids OR while getting drunk and dressing your dog in different superhero outfits before dry-humping a traffic cone and passing out in the shower, crying in the fetal position (for the single folk).
Hocus Pocus follows a recent Salem transplant, Omri Katz as “Max”, as he tries to be a cool kid at school, crush on the foxy Vinessa Shaw’s “Allison” and dodge school bullies, Larry Bagby’s “Ice” and Tobias Jelinek’s “Jay”, all while trying to avoid taking his totes adorbs little sister, Thora Birch’s “Dani”, trick-or-treating. What’s a player to do? Go to a creepy old witch’s house and resurrect them from the dead, then try to stop them from sucking the life force from every child in town with the help of said little sister, hot piece of ass and, oh yeah, immortal talking cat, Sean Murray’s “Binx”? Only obviously. Will Max defeat the evil trio (Bette Midler’s “Winifred”, Seabiscuit’s I mean Sarah Jessica Parker’s “Sarah” and Kathy Najimy’s “Mary”)? Will he score the girl and save the day? Will MC Hammer ever get to touch that? We can only hope.
Cards on the table, I’m Lindsay Lohan pre-seventh-visit-to-rehab drunk right now so strap on your beer goggles and go on this Disney adventure with me. While not overly acclaimed upon it’s release (and with mixed reviews) Hocus Pocus didn’t exactly blow the hinges off 1993 BUT fast forward twenty-one years later and it’s a cult classic in the Halloween Mafia, calling the shots and capping some asses with DVD/Blu Ray sales not to mention it’s annual dominating cable run the month of Spooktober. And there’s a reason. With big guns Bette Midler (whose Winifred was a menacing, buck-toothed Kewpie doll JUST scary enough), Sarah Jessica Parker (who’s Sarah was vapid and absolutely channeled a dealer’s choice Kardashian intellect) and Kathy Najimy (who’s slight-stroke-victim Mary was charmingly evilish), the chemistry hinging on the lead trio is engaging and relatable. You love to hate them and you kind of think like maybe one or two fewer kids in the world *cough* Honey Boo Boo *cough* would be worth keeping those bitches in circulation for shits and giggles alone.
The rest of the cast, while wading through moderate levels of family-themed schmaltz at times, performed well enough that the dated 90’s slang was hilarious instead of anytime someone makes me look at Facebook photos of their kid, I mean listening to someone other than me talk, I mean fucking annoying. It’s cute. It’s charming. It’s got a kickass B. Midler musical number in the middle PLUS the added bonus of humor, surprising moments of tension, and a resolution (while predictable) that’ll satisfy even the hardest-hearted bastard. The special effects hold up well for twenty-one years of wear and tear and, aside from the slightly dated dialogue, it could’ve been made today. Hocus Pocus is the quintessential family (or anyone) film and I watch it every Halloween in-between building a moat to ward off trick-or-treaters and lacing Snickers with LSD for the ones that make it to the door.
Hocus Pocus is a heartwarming, family-friendly film appropriate for all ages and levels of sobriety. Grab a beer. Grab your guy (or girl) and huff some 90’s nostalgia with me. Much like making out with that random at the bar, odds are low you’ll regret it. Trust me, I’m a *doctor (*not a doctor).