Take a Drink: whenever you hear “Vlad”, “Impaler”, “Dracula” or “Prince”.
Do a Shot: every time you get bitch-slapped by foreshadowing.
Take a Drink: for every creepy crawly (spiders), flappy flying (bats), appearance of evil. Bonus Shot: for fangs!
Do a Shot: whenever a new vampire gets made.
Take a Sip: for red-eyed flair and silver sizzle.
Shotgun a Beer: #batfist!
By: Felix Felicis (Four Beers)-
Once Upon A Time, In A Land Far Far Away, there lived, like, a prince. And he, um, was evil but for, like, a really good reason? I guess? And there was this other bad guy with WAY too much eyeliner being a dick for no reason? Then diet-Johnny Depp was, like, give me a thousand boys for my army but, like, for a totes NON-creepy reason. And the Prince was like no way, bro, suck it. And faux J-Depp was like, Imma kill you, bitch! And the Prince was like not if I become this evil vampire and kick your ass, fuckface! … Or something. But I digress. Some movies are stories we know, being retold with a new twist aaaaand some are rehashed mythstories like stale McDonald’s hashbrowns you digest the day after your birthday bender hungover as fuck and double-fisting whiskey. Dracula Untold could’ve remained untold and I’m pretty sure my life and single remaining functioning brain cell would’ve been better off if it had never seen the light of lame, I mean day.
Dracula Untold tenuously (like Amanda Bynes flirts with sanity) follows Vlad the Impaler’s journey from battle-scarred benevolent Prince with a monster lurking just beneath the surface of his skin to out-and-out-anti-hero-with-a-heart battling foes both within and without to save his family, and people, from marauding Turks. Will Vlad’s shirtless scenes be enough to rev your engine for two hours of tedium? Will Dracula win the fight for his people and his soul? Will hamsters in sweaters ever not be totes adorbs? No, the answer to that last one is no.
Nothing was really great about this movie, but if you dig through the shades of moderately entertaining crap there’s a nugget or two worth mentioning. Luke Evans as “Dracula” (and the rest of the cast) was handicapped by cripplingly terrible dialogue, shoddy direction and enough cumulative character angst to spawn another pathos-laden Twilight franchise, Flying Spaghetti Monster forbid, and (despite all that) there were a few moments in Dracula Untold where Evans delivered some solidly engaging entertainment.
Unlike the absolute train wreck Hawk Ripjaw and I sat through to co-review for y’all (I, Frankenstein) Dracula Untold, while equally terrible, was So Bad It Circled Back Around To Funny whereas I, Frankenstein just kept going way past Sad Clown Crysturbating and into Hipster Human Centipede levels of dumbassery. There were also one or two moments where the visuals lived up to expectations, that lone warrior walking alone, triumphant, all badass out of the fog of war (before being immediately buried under overblown Soap Opera acting) etc. I also wasn’t lit on fire in the parking lot, didn’t develop Hep C from the stadium seating OR get infected with veganism during the film so, you know, it had that going for it.
Producer 1: Bro, do you like money?
Producer 2: Bro, you know I do.
Producer 1: DRACULA.
Producer 2: Go on…
Producer 1: WITH THE SAME REGURGITATED PLOT.
Producer 2: You have my attention.
Producer 1: AND SO MUCH CGI THEY WON’T KNOW THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
Producer 2: But will it be a pointless cashploitation of consumerism?
Producer 1: You know it will.
Producer 2: SOLD.
I’m not saying every movie has to have depth and layers upon layers of nuanced purpose, sometimes you just need to watch shit blow up *cough* Die Hard *cough*, but for fuck’s sake if you’re going to put a derivative, lackluster, entirely unoriginal piece of crap onscreen, at least make it coherent asshattery. Dracula Untold was robotic, filled with over-dramatized dialogue in-between tedious, poorly lit CGI battle scenes chopped up and tossed into a blender of mediocrity in the name of “art” (seriously one scene is from the perspective of a dying solder falling to his death, watching the battle in the reflection of a spinning sword). BRB. Gotta go vomit the last of my dignity into a pair of skinny jeans.
And speaking of robotic, over-dramatized dialogue, I’d like to applaud Dracula Untold for putting my eighth grade diary to good use and ripping off the script from pages of N’SYNC fan fiction. When the cast wasn’t busy attending classes at the Keanu Reeves School For People Who Wanna Learn How To Act Good And Do Other Stuff Good Too they delivered lines straight from Turkish Twilight. Knock back a fifth of tequila and go on this journey with me:
“Where were you?”-Mirena
“Searching for the strength I needed.” -Vlad
“I would fight beside you until my death.”-Mirena
“Your death would end my fight.”-Vlad
Dracula Untold was hilarious in that it took itself so seriously, and was laughably bad as a result. Not unlike that year my sister was a “vegetarian” (bitch didn’t eat red meat) for “moral reasons” (her boyfriend was a vegan). It was a bookend in frustration because the beginning was filled with narration that was straight-up wannabe comic book noir, and the ending was maybe the most interesting conceptually (and I say “conceptually” liberally as the plot was surely dug out of a pile of raccoon shit), setting up a sequel WAY more interesting than Dracula Untold. And by way more interesting, I mean better lit and with dialogue hopefully stolen from my college diary (exponentially more threesomes of which there were NONE in Dracula Untold) this time.
Dracula Untold was less a terrifying action adventure into supernatural horror and more a lazy, neutered kitty, batting at bloodless body parts in the sunshine. You don’t always need an “R” rating to make a satisfying film but nothing about this movie satisfied in the least. This may be the most boring horror story ever told, and with the rich historical background of Vlad the Impaler, Dracula Untold skimmed the Cliffs Notes and vomited up a mass-produced, PG-13 rating, pandering in order to appeal to a broader audience and losing any kind of authenticity of purpose for the material. I haven’t been this disappointed since McRib Season ended.
This film is banal, mediocre and forgettable (though with an approximate two hour runtime, will Stockholm Syndrome you into a mildly entertained coma). I didn’t hate myself for buying a ticket to this but that’s like saying that one time you let a hobo get to second base wasn’t the worst thing you’ve ever done for five bucks. Allegedly. You can’t prove anything. Do yourself a favor and if you go see this, one, KNOW YOU’RE WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS, and two, skip the 3D because 2D was disappointing enough without adding another dimension of suck and use that money to buy a beer. Or five.
Dracula Untold is that one-night-stand you never tell anyone you had and, if asked, deny deny deny. You’ve made worse decisions… Maybe.