Take a Drink: whenever you hear “chicken”
Take a Drink: for godawful teaching practices
Take a Drink: whenever kids are just the worst
Take a Drink: when they then turn into zombies
Take a Drink: for the bodycount
Do a Shot: for “The State of Illinois”
By: Henry J. Fromage (Three Beers) –
I worked as a teacher for five years, mostly with middle schoolers, and… I think all teachers can admit a certain level of bloodlust that arises when dealing with this particular brand of little monsters over the long term. Not that we want to murder them exactly, unless there is a guilt-free option…
Zombies: The Guilt Free Murder Option
Cooties is all about satisfying that bloodlust vicariously. Elijah Wood and a ragtag band of shitty teachers are assailed by a school-full of middle schoolers zombified by rancid chicken nuggets, and, well, if TimmyWhoWon’tSittheFuckDown gets a softball bat to the head, dems the breaks.
The concept itself deserves a toast, and there’s only one way to take it- tongue in cheek comedy. With a cast that includes Wood, Rainn Wilson, Alison Pill, Jack McBrayer, Jorge Garcia, Nasim Pedrad, & Leigh Whannell, Cooties writers Whannell and Ian Brennan have that on lockdown.
This is a quite funny movie, particularly in the way it makes each and every character some sort of deluded and kinda pathetic asshole before slowly redeeming them (for the most part). A particular standout is Whannell’s just off borderline sociopathic science teacher.
He ain’t right.
The kids also do an excellent job (and have a blast) being appropriately terrifying little fast zombies who give better than they get. A last raise of the glass to the practical gore effects, which are naasstty in all the right ways.
While I do dig how none of the characters are traditionally sympathetic, their shortcomings are pretty much all that define them. As such, when the movie decides to get all serious and heartfelt and stuff, none of those personal moments work. Ultimately, it’s hard to care what happens to them, even though that was admirably the point during the first half of the film.
The big climactic melee takes place at night and is cut to ribbons, which is a bit disappointing considering the build up to the ‘ol ultraviolence.
Whatever’s happening right now is probably awesome!
Also failing to pay off are several running jokes, like Wilson’s inability to say “dual rear wheel” or Whannell telling Pedrad to be quiet when she’s not actually talking. How do people this funny fail to see how patently unfunny these jokes are?
Cooties is a bit uneven, but it’s a movie about teachers fighting off zombie schoolchildren. Especially if you are/were a teacher, you know you wanna…