The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

The Amazing Spiderman 2 (2014)
The Amazing Spiderman 2 (2014)

By: Felix Felicis (Two Beers) –

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a moderately-priced Isuzu! Wait. Wrong franchise. But our friendly neighborhood Splooge Slinger is back in action and the writing’s on the wall. For a good time, call The Amazing Spider-Man 2. This franchise sequel Ike Turner’s, I mean Chris Brown’s, I mean beats the odds and manages to be almost as awesome as that one time I accidentally banged a member of a popular 90’s boy band.

He said he was the drummer for N’SYNC! Wait a minute… N’SYNC DIDN’T HAVE A DRUMMER.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 follows Andrew Garfield as he dives back in action as Peter Parker aka Spider-Man, dodging stray bullets, armored bad guys, Science Fair freaks gone wrong and the most terrifying thing of all… Teenage girls and FEELINGS, to save his city, and his love life, once again. Will Peter Parker finally get over himself and win the girl? Will Spider-Man defeat the evily evildoers in the nick of time? Will Amanda Bynes ever sober up and realize drugs are bad, mmmkay?

God I hope not.

A Toast

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was like a one-night-stand that actually cleans up pretty well and turns out to be dateable. Take this bitch home to mom and dad, campers, just don’t leave her alone with the valuable shit. From the returning cast to the new (barring one Green Goblin-shaped void) to the visuals and special effects, Spider-Man 2 gives you a story and characters you can actually give a shit about. Yeah. Take that to the goddamn bank and cash it.

How most of my one night stands end.

Emma Stone is what happens nine months after beauty, brains and talent raw dog at a gang bang and she, with tits and wits galore, works “doe-eyed ingénue with a spine of steel” like I work “future alcoholic with daddy issues”. Stone’s Gwen Stacy is a powerhouse dynamo that plays off of, and balances, Andrew Garfield’s Peter Parker in a perfect symbiosis of sexellence. Their chemistry is charming, engaging, and entirely believable. Honorable mention to the Original Gangster of film, Sally Field, for a kickass Aunt May.

Please. Like that’s the first time bitch has had a vibrator in her hands.

Spider-Man 2 took the original material and dug deeper into the spiderverse; introducing fan favorites in a new way. Rebooting a series in the shadow of another *cough Tobey McGuire and Kirsten Cunst *cough* is about as difficult as anyone taking Lindsay Lohan seriously about anything, I’m including breathing. But Spider-Man 2 entertained and enthralled all ages from beginning to end, which is more than I can say for anytime I’ve ever been in a relationshit.

Even money that relationship ends in a murder/suicide.

Beer Two

Spider-Man 2 had an almost flawless casting. Almost. Jamie Foxx as the electrifying villain dove into the role, making what could easily have been a one-dimensional character have depth and nuance beyond the expected “unhinged uber-nerd with abandonment issues” (which is why we can forgive him when he loses his shit and goes, in the immortal words of Robert Downey Jr., “full retard”).

Clearly these people haven’t seen me dance.

Which just serves to illustrate the godawful lack of development in Harry Osborne, who ends up being a shallow and predictable twatwaffle. As Peter Parker’s BFF (or is he?) Harry spends five minutes talking about old times with Peter and then twenty minutes later they’re mortal enemies LIKE TOTES, OMG YOU GUYS. So deep is this shocking betrayazzzzz- What? Sorry. My survivalist narcolepsy kicks in whenever I’m about to be junk-punched by blatant dumbassery.

Junk Punch Level: Expert

Add to that a stew spiced with a tad too much “will they/won’t they, on-again/off-again” angst and inconsistent pacing between action and exposition and Spider-Man 2 still defies the odds, striking a *puts on sunglasses* KILLER note with franchise and non-franchise fans alike, but tits, I mean it’s, I mean tits not quite Kate Upton, I mean Scarlett Johansson, I mean perfect.

And on the eighth day, god created Kate Upton, and it was good.



The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was an insane merry-go-round of teenage angst strapped to a rollercoaster of face-melting special effects, super glued to a rocket of awesome. Two Marvel(ous) nipples way, way up.

This motherfucker just got out of Spiderman 2… Or looked at Nicki Minaj without makeup on. It’s 50/50 either way.

Drinking Game

Take a Sip: for every ghost and/or flashback. 

Take a Drink: each time Spidey pulls a prank.

Do a Shot: whenever Spider-Man saves someone. Lightweights: Borrow an extra liver.

Take a Drink: every time Gwen and Peter makeup, breakup or eye-fuck.  

Shotgun a Beer: for Stan Lee’s cameo.


Last Call: Stay after the action for an X-Rated teaser.

About Felix Felicis

Filled with smart-assed sass and armed with the expletives to prove it, Felix Felicis is a critic adrift in a sea of dirty thoughts and tawdry humor. If you see her float by, toss Felix some beef jerky and a taser. She'll take it from there.

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