By: Frankie B. (Six Pack)-
You know when you say things can’t get worse, but they actually do? That seems to happen to me pretty consistently when blindly volunteering for movies. I should have known better when I saw the title to this movie. Microwave Massacre, what was I thinking? I really should have gone into this one already wasted.
Microwave Massacre follows the rather mundane existence of a construction worker, Donald (Jackie Vernon). He yearns for just a tasty lunch and dinner, which he has been deprived of for years by his overbearing wife, May. They have a microwave that is about the size of a Mini Cooper, that May cooks every meal in. One night, Donald gets shitfaced drunk, strangles his wife to death, cuts up his wife Dexter-style, and then accidentally eats his wife’s dismembered arm. You know, normal drunk behavior. He then becomes a full blown cannibal and goes on one of the most anticlimactic killing sprees in the history of the world.
In the first minute and a half of the movie a girl goes tits out. That is the most redeeming thing about this movie. Onto Beer Two.
Dicks Out For Harambe. Had to put something for beer two. Plus, RIP Harambe.
Jackie Vernon is actually pretty funny, but you really need to be into dry humor for it to hit at all. I love dry humor, and some of the jokes went completely over my head. Or it might have been that they were awful jokes. I also noticed that his expression almost never changed throughout the entire movie. Just a dead inside stare most of the time. So bad.
There were more boobs in the movie if that entices you.
Keep in mind while watching this flick that there is really no one to root for. The main character is a serial killer cannibal and all of the supporting characters are either unknowingly cannibals or the dumbest characters ever written.
I can say that my next door neighbor’s annual Halloween display has better production value and creativity than the gore and kill scenes in Microwave Massacre. All of the props in the movie boil down to styrofoam, plastic Halloween decorations, and tinfoil. Pitiful for a horror movie that is not a Troma production.
I saw this one so you don’t have to. Avoid Microwave Massacre at all costs. Check out some cat videos or just go to sleep.
Microwave Massacre (1983) Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time a new person is consumed.
Take a Drink: every time Donald comes up with a new “recipe”.
Do a Shot: every time boobs make an appearance.
Take a Drink: every time Donald yells at his wife.
Do a Shot: to get drunk faster while watching this.