It’s time for Alabama Hannah to meet the parents – with varying degrees of success. Peter and Tyler continue to delight, while Jed and Luke are neck and neck, vying for the hotly contested title of “Worst Suitor Ever.” Too bad no one has alerted Hannah! (Can we start a Go Fund Me campaign to buy Hannah a new intuition? Girlfriend’s picker is seriously broken and she’s in desperate need of a fresh start.) Get ready to use those frequent flyer miles – your Hometown recap starts now!
First let’s head to Westlake Village, CA. to hang with Peter the Pilot, shall we? (We shall – ABC has given us no choice in the matter.) Peter is giddy to see Hannah, and this is a good way to kick things off, as his energy is infectious. And folks, hang onto those good vibes – you’re going to need them to keep you awake through this predictable episode. (Hometowns are notoriously boring, save the one wild card that was Dean Unglert’s father on Rachel Lindsay’s season. Now that’s how you make an impression!)
There’s the typical run & fling, with Hannah intoning, “Peter is exactly who I pictured when I was playing with my Barbies when I was little.” (Those smooth plastic parts have a lot more meaning now!) Meanwhile, Peter introduces Hannah to his “baby.” It would be so rad if he trotted out an actual child, but no – it’s a sleek, black Mercedes. And, apparently, this baby comes equipped with rubbers – but not of the tire variety. Instead, Hannah goes snooping and finds condoms in the armrest (damn, Peter!) and asks an embarrassed Peter “why he has rubbers” in his car, warning him, “We’re only kissing on this date.” Ya gotta save something for those Fantasy Suites! (Also, please do not trust a sunbaked condom. That is your PSA for the day.)
Of course, Peter takes her flying in a small prop plane, conveniently swooping over both the Bachelor franchise mansion and his parent’s home. Speaking of his parents, they’re both an absolute delight, as is his younger brother, Jack. They have the typical conversations in a variety of combinations. Jack tells Hannah that Peter “likes to go all in” with love. Peter’s mother asks him if Hannah is “the one.” (He seems to think so.) Peter’s mother confides to Hannah that her son is “head over heels” for the Bachelorette and that that “scares her” because she doesn’t want her son’s heart broken. Hannah reassures her of her good intentions – all while keeping her filthy Luke habit to herself. It’s Peter’s father who’s the true MVP, weeping as he tells his son he loves him and is hoping for the best. The world would 100% be a better place if we all had dads like this. (Not that my dad isn’t rad. He is! Hi, Dad!)
Dinner comes complete with a rousing prayer, sung/shouted in German. Is it just me, or is it safe to assume Thanksgiving at the Weber’s is lit AF? You can tell the wine flows freely and I’m here for it. It’s clear that Hannah’s visit is a success, even if the two don’t quite exchange official declarations of love…
Let’s zip across the country to Jupiter, FL. to visit Tyler Cameron. Yes, please! Tyler greets our lead, assuring her he’s “a lot better at driving a boat than he is at riding a horse.” Tyler, if you have your shirt off, you can do anything you damn well please, IMO. Luckily, the water provides the perfect opportunity for exactly that as he takes Hannah on a tour of the waterways that informed his youth. But not before he slathers himself and Hannah in sunscreen. (He asks her “where she wants it” and she points to her “nether regions.” Safety is sexy!)
We are reminded that Tyler’s father underwent a serious surgery before the fan-favorite headed out to win our hearts. This will be the first time Tyler will be seeing his dad since then, and he is anxious. We’re also reminded that Tyler’s family “lost everything and had to downsize,” as they walk up to… an enormous house. (As one of my Twitter pals hilariously pointed out, “I guess ‘downsizing’ means landlocked?” In this case, one man’s downsizing is another man’s mansion, that’s for sure. Be sure to follow my friend for killer Bach tweets!)
Tyler’s family is also adorable. His dad is doing well, his mother is a dear, various relations we are not introduced to also seem lovely. Tyler’s brothers (I assume?) sing his praises to Hannah, telling her that he’s the person everyone leaned on while their father was in the hospital. Tyler’s mom sees the chemistry with Hannah and is glad he’s been able to open up to her. Tyler’s father keeps referring to Hannah as “Ms. Hannah B.” and I just want to squish him. His father also reveals “Tyler hasn’t had a lot of girlfriends,” which seems impossible. If that was the case then, it certainly won’t be an issue after this! There’s another tearful father/son “I love you” exchange and you can feel just a smidge of toxic masculinity getting washed away from this Earth. We need a tsunami’s worth, but this is a nice start. Tyler reiterates numerous times that he wants his father to be able to meet his wife and kids. Consider my heartstrings officially plucked!
Things heat up when Tyler walks Hannah out to the car, pushing her into the backseat for a serious makeout session. Is it awkward for the driver? Probably, but who cares?! This is what America needs right now. They finally separate, both glowing. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – get it, girl!
And… like a giant record scratch we go from this hotness to the misery that is Luke Parker in Gainesville, GA. The pit of dread in my stomach is enormous and one of the many great things about Twitter is knowing you’re not alone. The internet collectively holds its breath, for the time has come to meet Luke’s family.
But first – bible study! With Luke’s close friends! All of whom adore him! See? See how nice, normal, and beloved this Jesus-loving Napoleon is? Nothing but faith and fun! Woot. Hannah tells us in a takeaway interview that Luke is “a jigsaw puzzle she hasn’t yet figured out.” Honey, I can fill in those pieces for you – you may have matched the edges, but the final photo will haunt your soul. Put this puzzle back in its box.
Hey, guess what Luke talks about while having assembled this group of adoring pals? Yes, it’s time to hear about God visiting Luke in the shower again. Luke claims he “felt a hole opening up” and that “the Holy Spirit is to thank for the man he is today.” You know, we all make mistakes on the job. This was obviously an off day for the big man upstairs because Luke is one unfinished project, and that’s about as nicely as I can put it.
But, onward! Luke’s family is… surprisingly normal. I was expecting a cauldron of gnashing teeth, but the Parker clan is human, and his mother is beautiful. Who knew? Luke reveals there were “fireworks from the start” between himself and Hannah, but that he’s “rarely been able to be himself” and that he feels like he’s been “walking on eggshells.” I guess God didn’t teach taking responsibility for one’s actions in this infamous shower chat?
Luke’s father asks the best question of the entire night, noting that “if Luke hasn’t been himself, then why is he here?” Twitter erupts, as WE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE SAME THING. Meanwhile, another one of Luke’s family members pipes up, saying, “Thanks for putting up with him!” You, young sir, are my new favorite person.
There’s more chatter. They have a spiritual connection. They are united through faith. Hannah’s vagina is in tune with Luke’s shower vibrations. She thinks she can have it all – a hot sex life (I cringe at the thought of Luke’s O face), combined with a churchy good time. She believes “they are back on track” and commends him for behaving for an entire day. It’s sad she felt compelled to praise an adult for… acting like an adult. Who needs to have kids when Luke acts like he needs a bottle and a nap?
Oh, boy – it’s time kick up our heels and head to Nashville, TN. to check in on Jed Wyatt and his family. If you don’t like spoilers, you might want to skip ahead to Beer Five and/or avoid Twitter and Google, because there’s no way to talk about what went down at Jed’s Hometown without mentioning a few things…
Mainly Jed’s girlfriend – now ex-girlfriend – who he ghosted after the show, breaking his promise to mutually ride this Bachelorette fame horse to singer/songwriter glory. Oh yes, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Haley Stevens, also a musician, is feeling some serious anger right about now. She’s since gone wide with her relationship receipts to Reality Steve, as well as several other outlets, and it is not looking promising for our high-haired crooner. Jed, who claimed he was in love with Haley and – yep – was, indeed, only going on the show to boost both of their careers – reportedly decided not to phone Haley after returning from the love competition, instead going all in with Hannah. But… what’s this? He was also cheating on Haley – not with our Bachelorette, but with another woman on the side as well?! Jed – maybe you are cut out to be a country singer, because that’s some serious song fodder right there!
To talk about Hannah’s visit to Nashville definitely feels like a farce in this 20/20 hindsight. If you guessed that they spent the majority of their solo time together in a recording studio versus seeing the sights, you would be correct. This is alllll about Jed and man, this is not a good look.
The subsequent visit with Jed’s family is nothing short of painful. They are extremely cold to Hannah and she is baffled. What could be wrong? How could they not receive this bubbly beauty with open arms? Oh, yeah – that’s because they’re TRYING TO COVER FOR THEIR LYING CAD OF A RELATIVE. Some fun examples of the stilted conversations:
Jed’s mom begs Hannah to “trust her intuition.”
Jed’s father tells him this “is surprising” and he “can’t get his head around” Jed’s relationship.
Jed’s mom accuses Hannah of saying, “I love you” to all the guys, before professing that Jed “had a life before you.”
Jed’s (gorgeous!) sister, Lily, says Jed’s falling in love with Hannah is “not a good thing.”
All of this while straight-up telling Hannah that Jed’s singing career “hasn’t taken off yet,” and that “it’s his number one priority.” (Ya think?) Yeah, this is gonna end well! Jed offers a flat, “I love you,” to Hannah, while telling his family that Hannah is “along for the ride.” Can you hear me LOL-ing? She is definitely along for a ride – that’s one truth Jed has offered.
Should we take a brief break to talk about a few franchise theories? We should! Here’s a handful:
- Whatever happened to Caelynn Miller-Keyes? Once assumed to be a lock as the next Bachelorette, she now waits in the wings to do a little time on Bachelor in Paradise, and it looks to be a shit show. How did she go from head of the class to castoff? My guess is the producers wanted to look like they were willing to tackle the difficult #MeToo conversation by encouraging Caelynn to reveal her painful story… but only for a minute. The show got the cache of her confession, plus the benefits of the publicity, and then Caelynn suddenly got the villain edit. (She, of course, did trash Hannah in that takeaway interview, so she’s not totally innocent in this, but we all know the producers could’ve buried that soundbite if they’d wanted to.) Suddenly the conversation shifted from #MeToo to “she’s a bitch.” And guess what they didn’t have to confront for an entire season if Miller-Keyes had been made front and center? That icky sexual assault topic that’s been haunting them since Corinne Olympios’s accusations. Just a thought!
- To that end, making faith-based Hannah the lead sure does make advertisers, as well as certain viewer demographics, feel a lot more comfortable… Follow the money, as they say.
- Here’s another potential spoiler, so look away now. Rumor has it that Peter the Pilot also came to the show with a girlfriend (or, at best, was very recently single before heading to the mansion), yet he’s not receiving the massive blowback that Jed is. (Not that Jed doesn’t deserve it – he’s done a lot of ladies dirty!) Perhaps producers are more inclined to help keep Peter’s side of the street clean in hopes of naming him the next Bachelor?
- Speaking of The Bachelor, I think we can all agree it’s (well past) time to have a black lead! They already passed on the shining star that is Wills Reid. Here’s hoping they don’t bench the pure gold that is Mike Johnson. The show has a lot to answer for when it comes to racism, and having the incredible Rachel Lindsay helm a season was a wonderful start, but it can’t stop there. This show is great entertainment, but it’s also a massive platform (as Jed would say) with the power to create conversation and change. Let’s hope they use it!
Back to our regularly scheduled program! With Hometowns complete, it’s time for Hannah to narrow down her suitors for the Fantasy Suites. That means a Rose Ceremony, and… wait, who’s this? Oh, yeah – it’s our host, Chris Harrison, who I’d completely forgotten about until right this second. Mr. Harrison is on hand to welcome Hannah back “home” to the mansion where they have a brief chat. According to Hannah there is “no clear frontrunner, and no one falling behind.” Good lord, woman – if you cannot tell the difference between Tyler and Peter (maybe a little less so) vs. Jed and Luke… well, I’m not sure there’s much we can do to help you.
Roses are dispersed to: Peter and Tyler. One more rose is left to give out. It’s between Jed and Luke. There might’ve been some tension as to who she chooses if they hadn’t been running the “Hypocritical Luke slut shames Hannah at Fantasy Suites” promo on a loop, so we already know she keeps both men. Hannah and Chris pretend to have a terse chat before Harrison “delivers the rose Hannah requested,” thus securing all four men for the next round. The best part of the entire show was seeing how deeply offended Jed was to be tied with Luke. Ah, irony and karma – what a delicious combination!
Next week we go from Hometowns to Bone Town! Yep, Horny Hannah is on her way to get down with a mystery suitor in a windmill somewhere in the hills of Greece. But the real treat is the countdown to the elimination of Luke. This nonsense has gone on waaaay too long and his tiny fist reign can’t come to an end soon enough! See you soon, Rose Lovers. Be sure to join me for live-tweets during the show at JennaZine1 and check back here for weekly episode recaps!
The Bachelorette (2019): Season 15, Episode 9 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time we meet one of the suitor’s families.
Take a Drink: every time you rewind Tyler applying sunscreen to his shirtless self.
Take a Drink: every time you tear up over how sweet Peter and Tyler’s fathers are.
Do a Shot: for that awkward Bible study class.
Do a Shot: for that awkward visit with Jed’s family. Holy crap!
Do a Shot: am I wrong to want Jed’s sister Lily to join the cast of Bachelor in Paradise? I need her resting bitch face and killer 80’s hairdo in my life.