By: Jenna Zine (Six Pack) –
I can’t believe this is only Episode 4, because we are already knee-deep in drama! We’ve got a Wild West double Luke showdown. We’ve got Jed confessing he came on the show for fame. (Um, duh.) We’ve got a dancing contractor who leapt to center stage with a surprising show of compassion. And we’ve got Garrett and Mike neck in neck for Best Smile/Best Defender of Hannah. Kids, this is juicy. Slip on that lobster bib – your recap starts now!
Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion to do a little math. He says, “We started with 30 men. There are 15 of you left. You’re still here – congrats!” Basic counting skills and affirmation of existence? This man can to anything! And there’s more… Mr. Harrison also tells the remaining suitors to pack, as they’ll be “wheels up in an hour.” Yep, it’s time to say goodbye to the luxury digs they’ve been calling home (already?!) and head off to Newport, Rhode Island. But before we stuff those dirty Jockeys into assorted duffel bags, we’ve got a Date Card to read. It’s a one-on-one for Jed that says, “Meet me in Boston.” He replies, “If I had a tail, I’d wag it.” It is no coincidence that Mr. Nashville compares himself to a dog. That will come into play later. In the meantime, on with the romance!
Hannah is ahead of the team, already in Boston and prepared to make up fake facts about America. Very on-trend, Hannah! Jed shows up shortly after she butchers the slogan for the American Revolution (“No taxation without representation”) and they head out to window shop their way through the Quincy Market. Next, they stop at the infamous Cheers bar, where everyone does indeed know her name – most likely because she is currently the lead of a popular television franchise! (I still love it when shit gets meta.) The locals egg them on to kiss, which they happily do.
How to follow up shopping and beers? With ice cream in the park on what looks to be a freezing cold day! (Remember this was filmed months ago, hence the disconnect of seeing people swaddled in sweaters while I type this under my ceiling fan.) A man with a cart hands them each a pint of their favorite Halo ice cream for free before the camera person zooms in on the ice cream man’s beige slacks. It’s the next day, and the question of “why” still rings in my head…
And this date keeps rolling. Now they’ve arrived at the Auerbach Center (named after Arnold “Red” Auerbach; no relation to Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys, no matter how hard I try to make the internet tell me otherwise), which happens to be the training center for the Boston Celtics. In fact, two of the Celtics happen to be practicing right at that very moment – stars Terry Rozier and Jaylen Brown – who offer them jerseys and tell them to suit up. The absolute best moment of this entire episode is when Jaylen offers Hannah dating advice, which is the cutest god damn thing I’ve ever seen. (Seriously, I took video so I can replay it for myself in private moments.) He tells her to find someone who makes her laugh, that she can be herself with, and who respects her. Let’s hope she was listening!
Were you thinking you wanted to spend more time with Jed? Because that’s what we’re doing! They discuss favorite moments of their (epic) date, which include taking pictures in a photobooth (oh, yeah – they did that too) and when Jed sunk a basketball while kissing Hannah (that also happened).
But it’s evening, and that’s code for confession so it’s time to get serious. Hannah and Jed both agree there is something to their connection, but there’s also something Jed needs to get off his chest. Yes, he is here for Hannah, but he is (finally) ready to admit that he initially went on the show less for her and more to showcase his (weak) crooning skills on “this huge platform.” Boom! There it is – truth that he did not come here for the right reasons!
And… what is happening here? Hannah does not appear to be all that concerned about this (not so) surprising reveal. Music is Jed’s passion. He wants it wholeheartedly. Hannah wants honesty, also wholeheartedly. Jed has now revealed to Hannah that his intentions for his career merged with her intentions to find a husband. They’ve met at an intersection of career vs. marriage. She doesn’t want to hinder him. He doesn’t want to ditch her. Can they find a middle ground of getting engaged to a stranger combined with the beckoning lights of life onstage? (Read: singing covers to drunk tourists on Nashville’s Music Row.) It appears to be a possibility!
She commends Jed for his honesty, but really, she should be commending him for his cunningness. By admitting his thirst for access to the platform the franchise provides, he’s also circumventing any of the men going to Hannah with doubts about his intentions because he’s already told her directly! I am annoyed. Wagging his tail, indeed. He receives the Date Rose and a mega makeout session.
(Also, of note: there are photos going around of Jed stripping for cash at Nashville bachelorette parties, so I am dearly hoping this evidence comes into play sooner than later! Reality Steve, work your magic!)
Back at Gurney’s Hotel another date card has arrived. It reads, “True love requires blood, sweat, and tears,” and it is for: Dillon, Mateo, John Paul Jones, Connor, Garrett, Dustin, Devon, Grant, Peter, Kevin, Mike, Luke S., and Luke P. The ever creepy and increasingly unhinged Luke P. claims, “I wanted the group date because I’m a competitor. Boys, it’s about to get bloody.” Given Luke P.’s state of mind, this is not an empty threat and I am nervous for everyone.
Turns out there’s reason to be scared, for the men are expected to enter the Fort Adams arena to play rugby, a game that a dour coach tells us allows, “No helmets, no pads, and no breaks. It’s only you and your mouthpiece out there. You will get smashed. And we’ve seen some seriously gruesome things.” Good Lord. Isn’t there already enough testosterone up in this piece? What’s with all the chest pounding?
Anywhoodles. We’re treated to biceps, triceps, quads, and abs as the men warm up before taking the field. Hannah wants a man who’s “not afraid to get down and dirty.” And dirty they shall get! The game is fast and furious. And by furious, I mean the aforementioned threat of Luke P. going HAM on anything and everything that gets in his way. Fun. He claims he will never quit and never stop fighting for Hannah. Can we clarify she doesn’t need you to prove that with your fists?
It’s not long before there are the promised injuries, with Kevin sustaining a swelling shoulder. And he’s the lucky one! Not long after, there is a sickening crunch heard offscreen. Luke S. is on the ground and Luke P. is running away. Technically no one saw what happened, but the men agree Luke P. is in the wrong, with Luke P. claiming it was “self-defense.” Meanwhile, Luke S. says the pesky Luke is “an animal” and that he “poses a threat to others.” Let’s just say I’m inclined to side with mini Nick Viall over the “God visits me in the shower” hypocrite that is Luke P.
The evening portion of the group date with the crunch heard ‘round the world continues as one would expect – with all of the attention and energy spent on Luke P., which is exactly how this raging narcissist/sociopath likes it.
Hannah enters shirtless – seriously – in a plunging gray silk blazer/pantsuit combo that must’ve had the boob tape working overtime. But there’s no time to reveal in her bold choice to eschew a tank top. Nope, not when Luke P. requires yet another talking to. Hannah asks what was up with the incident at the rugby game. Luke P. insists it was Luke S. that was charging at him and he just “had to” put him on his back. But, other than that massive display of physical aggression, he’s really “been trying” since their last talk. Hannah is upset. She wants to feel “confident” about her feelings, but how can she when her crush continues to act like a massive asshole?
How to counteract this dent in the trust? Luke P. does what he does best – deflects and throws someone else under the bus. Sure, Luke P. might be a dick with an anger management problem, but does Hannah know that one day Luke S. would like to sell his own brand of tequila and has had the nerve to talk about it at the house? Yep – Luke P. claims that Luke S. is way more focused on branding fermented agave than he is on the Bachelorette, casting doubt into Hannah’s mind about Luke S. and his intentions. (Why Hannah can’t see through Luke P.’s obvious smokescreens baffles most of Twitter.)
Hannah says she needs to think about things and excuses Luke P. Girl, the only thing to think about is which way to run from this psychopath. That should be the only debate in happening in your mind right now!
Hannah wants to play fair. She asks to chat with Luke S. next. He is confronted about his tequila business that has not even gotten off the ground yet. He shakes his head in disbelief and sorrow, stating he understands her concern but that it’s not the case. He’s crushed that his intentions are being questioned. Again, Luke S. may or may not have an agenda – but he seems relatively benign and truly upset at these accusations. I’m solidly Team Luke S.
Hannah realizes no one likes Luke P. and it makes her question her feelings for him. (Um, yeah!) Meanwhile, the men (rightfully) pile on Luke P. Garrett says he has 14 friends in the house and isn’t down with Luke P. hurting any of them. Mike is sick of the group dates being about Luke P. And Luke P. claims he’s done nothing wrong – those clinched fists mean nothing! He just had to defend himself. (Insert giant eyeroll here!)
Garrett and Peter get smart and actually make some romantic plays for Hannah. This is still a date after all! Garrett confesses to crushing on Hannah and is rewarded with a makeout session for his honesty. (I dig Garrett but am not a fan of the way he kisses, unfortunately. What’s up with those hard, short pecks?) Pilot Peter also steps forward with amorous words and they also kiss. But it’s Garrett who receives the Date Rose for his vulnerable confession, all under the seething, watchful eye of Luke.
I’m not sure when the next one-on-one was revealed, or what the Date Card said. (Did it not air, or did I just miss it at my house?) At any rate, we see a bereft Hannah the next day, weeping as she stares forlornly at the ocean while waiting for Tyler C. to show up for a solo encounter. The dancing contractor is on the way, but it’s still Luke P. who’s dominating her thoughts and mood – ruining her peace of mind even though he’s not there. Sigh.
Hannah is absolutely torqued with confusion – she likes Luke P. a lot (for some mysterious reason) but isn’t sure if she’s reading him right. (Spoiler alert: she is not.) That’s got her twisted and in no mood for a date. But then something magical happens! It’s Tyler C. (the only Tyler left, so goodbye C.), who shows up and says all the right things. Hannah tells him she’s in a bad mood, but Tyler tells her he doesn’t care – he’ll take her however she shows up and will be there through the highs and lows. He talks to her in a calm, reassuring tone until she finally smiles, and he sweeps her up in a hug. It is adorable and I officially rescind my earlier “hard pass” assessment of Tyler. His sweet demeanor resets the tone and they’re able to make their scheduled date – a day on a fishing boat, catching and eating fresh lobster. It’s a relief to see Hannah in a happier space after the emotional machinations of the evil Luke P.
The evening portion of the date is equally lovely. They dine at the White Horse Tavern (reportedly the oldest tavern in America, if you like keeping track of such things) – and when I say “dine,” I mean stare at each other over plates of cold food because no one actually wants to be filmed while eating. Tyler tells Hannah she “looks dangerous in black,” and her delight is palpable. She is back to her bubbly self and curious to learn more about this Footloose fanatic.
Tyler is at the ready with the proper antidote. It turns out he almost didn’t come on the show, as his father was severely ill approximately two months before Tyler was slated to leave for filming. It was a stressful time, with Tyler having to sign away his father’s rights. His dad miraculously bounced back, became a big fan of Hannah during Colton’s season, and told his son to “go get his girl.” Tyler agreed, filmed himself dancing shirtless in an abandoned construction site, felt an electric zing when he stepped out of the limo and laid eyes on the Bachelorette, and now here we are – at the precipice of two strangers weeks away from doing the horizontal mambo in a rented Fantasy Suite. Ah, love!
They then head to a theater full of fans for an extended kissing session while Jake Owen croons in the background. (As former contestant/gifted tweeter Diggy Moreland pointed out – are country singers the only performers available to be booked on these things? Can we get some Boyz II Men or Jodeci? It’s waaaay past time for some much-needed diversity on this show!) In the meantime, Tyler gets the Date Rose.
Woot, woot – it’s time for another cocktail party! Will this event also center around Luke P.? Of course it will. Honestly, I am sick of writing about this bozo and do not understand why he has not been sent home. Tyler G. was spirited away in the dead of night for allegedly spitting on his ex-girlfriend (believe me, I am not arguing against this decision), but Luke P. can stay on the show, forcing everyone who’s bunking with him to fear a violent outbreak? How does this work?
Hannah is hoping for clarity (I can help: Luke P. SUCKS), and she gets it with Peter, who asks her to be his girlfriend. They laugh and kiss. At least there’s some fun to be had here!
Mike also steps up, telling Hannah he has three queens at home (his sister, mother, and grandmother), and that she could be his fourth and last queen. Swoon. Mike wants to be there for Hannah and will continue to hit it straight – and that includes defending her from Luke P. until she can see the light. This man is a gem!
Kevin, back from the hospital and sporting a sloppy sling, is concerned that if Luke P. gets a rose it will diminish the flower’s importance, as it will only serve to validate Luke’s poor behavior. A gold star goes to Kevin, for that is correct!
Mike then tells Luke P., “You are not right for Hannah. You are abnormally violent. You scheme. You are unstable. You are a psychopath. That’s who you are.” Luke P. looks up the definition of “psychopath,” holding up his phone to the camera to prove the result has nothing to do with him. (1.) It has everything to do with him. (2.) Where did he get a phone?
There is a boatload more Luke vs. Luke drama with the two pitted against each other in a battle of wits and words. The men insist that Luke P. clear up things with Hannah regarding Luke S. Luke P. agrees, only to turn around and throw Luke S. under the bus again. Luke S. is now truly frustrated – he can’t believe he’s letting himself get bested by this master manipulator and gives it over to karma. He knows he’s losing, already sensing that Hannah is going to side with Luke P., but warns that karma is coming for Luke P. and it’s seriously gonna be a bitch. I, for one, can’t wait for the reckoning!
The episode ends in a cliffhanger, with Hannah and both Lukes sequestered for a fireside showdown. Who will receive roses? For the love of god, when will Luke P. get booted? And, most importantly, when will get to taste the sweet, sweet nectar that is Luke S.’s tequila? All this and more are heading your way next week. See you soon!
Programming note: Next week The Bachelorette will air Tuesday, June 11th instead of its normal Monday slot due to the NBA finals. Our recap will appear Friday morning to accommodate the show delay, as well as the author’s travel schedule.
Be sure to join me for live-tweets during the show at JennaZine1 and check back here for episode recaps every week!
The Bachelorette (2019): Season 15, Episode 4 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Luke P. acts like an asshole.
Take a Drink: every time Mike smiles!
Take a Drink: every time one of the men comes to their senses and does something romantic for Hannah instead of focusing on Luke P.’s drama.
Take a Drink: every time you doubt Jed’s agenda, despite his confession.