Folks, it’s that time again – for us to gather ‘round our televisions, roll our eyes, and complain to one another on Twitter. All while secretly loving every moment, unable to tear ourselves away from the not-so-unscripted mess unfolding before us. That’s right – another season of The Bachelor (the franchise’s 23rd!) kicks off Monday, January 7th, with Colton Underwood as this round’s sought-after suitor. To set the mood, here’s a little pre-cap recap to get you up to speed on America’s virginal cornfed white boy.
We were introduced to Colton Underwood during Becca Kufrin’s season of The Bachelorette, and it was clear he was meant to be a frontrunner, consistently evading elimination despite the fact that he’d had a dalliance with Becca’s good friend Tia Booth, and that Tia made no bones about the fact that she did not want Becca and Colton hooking up. (Tia came on the show twice to alert Becca of her feelings for Colton, with Becca finally releasing him before the Fantasy Suite episode. Tia initially/reluctantly gave her blessing for the two to move forward before rescinding it after realizing they might actually become a couple.)
But don’t cry for Colton! Underwood made a resilient comeback, agreeing to come on Bachelor In Paradise to search for a new love connection amongst the bikinis and crabs at a luxury resort in Sayulita, Mexico. (For newbies, Bachelor In Paradise is basically live Tinder on the beach.) But, wait – did I spy Tia’s heaving breasts and flaring nostrils hidden in the palm trees? That’s right – the fling he never thought he’d see again followed him to Mexico, forcing both Colton and the audience into yet another round of, “Tia loves Colton, and Colton is lukewarm about Tia.”
Was it a drag to see Tia emotionally manipulate Colton into a romance? Why, yes – it was! But it was buffered with moments of hilarity – such as the time when Bachelorette Becca made a “surprise” appearance at the resort and Colton burst into tears. You see, Colton was secretly still reeling from the breakup and needed closure. Becca’s entirely unnecessary visit to Sayulita conveniently provided Colton with the opportunity to have the heart to heart he desperately needed.
It also provided an opportunity for Colton to flex his acting chops. Does anyone really believe Colton fell so hard for Becca that he was unsure he’d ever love again? Or that Becca was really harboring feelings for this boy wrapped in an NFL body? No – the deal was sealed on both ends, once Becca fell for her racist tomato farmer and production offered Colton the coveted Bachelor role. But there’s a story to be told, so tears on the beach it is. Sit down, Bradley Cooper – you haven’t secured that Oscar just yet!
So, Bachelor In Paradise was essentially a month-long audition for Colton. We saw him as a sassy single, navigating heartbreak, magically reopening himself up to love (he gave it another uninspired go with Tia after Becca left), and… back to heartbreak after he dramatically left the island and Tia (i.e. he signed his Bachelor contract).
And now we’re a week away from a surely excruciating season of puns about virginity. Oh! Did I fail to mention that Colton is an alleged virgin? Yes, supposedly Colton was “too busy focusing on football” to have sex. (I feel this speaks poorly of his multitasking skills, but that’s just me.) Despite a high-profile romance with Olympian Aly Raisman and, of course, the talons of Tia, dude has still avoided a roll in the hay. If you’re thinking the franchise is going to keep it classy, please observe their marketing strategy:
But there are many a lady who would loooooove to teach Underwood a thing or two, so let’s meet a few of the women vying for the former-NFL player turned philanthropist!
- Hannah G: a “sweet Southern Belle” who creates content for social media, loves cats, and hates seafood! Let’s hope she wins Colton’s heart, otherwise her diet will be severely limited during that Bachelor In Paradise run!
- Tahzjuan: a “Business Development Associate” who loves reading and shopping with her mom. Boldly got inked with a tat that says, “I love bad ideas,” (you’re definitely on the right show!) and has a “paralyzing fear of frogs.” (By telling the producers she’s terrified of frogs, she will surely be forced to hold an amphibian by the end of her time on the show. The franchise is part Match.com and part Fear Factor.)
- Caelynn: was crowned Miss North Carolina 2018, and once flew to Japan for a first date. (Hey, if Cameron Diaz can travel for cock, why can’t Caelynn?) Of note – her grandmother was the first woman to head the FBI in L.A., which is legit amazing.
- Catherine: is a successful real estate agent by day and hip-hop DJ by night. (Because naturally.) Her favorite author is Dr. Seuss. Obviously, she and Colton will have loads to chat about!
- Elyse: a redheaded makeup artist. Hailing from Alaska, she enjoys ice skating and snowmobiling. But she’s since relocated to Scottsdale, Arizona so… methinks she didn’t actually enjoy the snow that much. She’s also never been out of the country. Girl – it’s time to get that passport stamped!
- Cassie: a born and bred Californian who likes to hang 10. She has two cats named Maverick & Goose and loves skydiving (someone is gonna be thrilled with that Top Gun sequel). The one thing she’d never do for love is turn her back on her family. Time will tell!
- Tracy: a wardrobe stylist, hailing from New York who’s recently relocated to L.A. She says she could live off of hot dogs, and that if she could be anyone for a day she’d be Beyoncé. Hot dogs and Queen Bey should never coexist in the same universe, much less the same sentence. This bish clearly doesn’t know what she’s talking about and should sit the eff down.
A cadre of interesting ladies, for sure! Who will Colton choose? Who even cares? All we know is the rosé industry is surely clapping their hands with glee, confident in the knowledge that profits will surge over the next 12 Mondays.
Rumor has it that Colton is engaged – not really a spoiler, as that’s what’s “supposed” to happen by the end of the season. But will he wait to rid himself of that pesky virginity until his wedding night? Let’s find out together during the course of the “most dramatic season, ever.” Follow me for live-tweets during the broadcast and tune in for episode recaps here at MovieBoozer every Wednesday. See you soon, rose lovers!
The Bachelor: Countdown to Colton Drinking Game
Take a Drink: for every contestant that ends up with a Fit Tea Instagram endorsement by the end of the season.
Take a Drink: every time Colton’s virginity is alluded to and/or mentioned.
Take a Drink: every time they talk about Colton’s football past.
Take a Drink: every time intrepid host Chris Harrison pops in for his contractual 5 minutes of work.
Do a Shot: Holy crap, this is a Lauren-free season!