Hey, did you guys hear the one about a virgin who went on a show called The Bachelor in order to find a wife (age-appropriate and blonde, please!) … and is moments away from leaving said show still both a virgin and a bachelor?! One might call that an epic failure. Another may feel the swirl of a 360-degree turn. Aren’t we leaving this trip right where we started? Is this Groundhog’s Day? What will it take for this man to join the ranks of the sexed? Did I think my life would include talking about a fence for 3 months? But really, why is he so hung up on Cassie? Slip that LSD under your tongue and delve into the nether world for answers – your season finale double recap starts now!
Please know that ABC respects the fact that you drink a fuckload of rosé when watching this show. It also respects that you tweet, chat with your friends, eat leftover pizza, and lay out your clothes for the next workday. At least I can only assume they have our best interests at heart (hey, I’m an optimist) because the first 10 minutes of the broadcast are a complete recap of THE SHOW WE JUST SAW. Thank you, ABC, for assuming I have a terrible memory and that I somehow benefited from this.
Chris Harrison is coming in hot – this is his time to shine and he hits us hard and fast with the burning questions: “Can Colton still find love? Will he lose his virginity? Or will it end in disaster? How is it possible to lose a Bachelor in the dark Portuguese countryside? The heartbreaking season finale starts now!” I could live my life happy with just two things: Chris’s voice saying “dark Portuguese countryside” on a loop and an ever-flowing Twitter feed about #GrouponPeen. Sometimes joy is found in the simplest things.
Were you wondering what happened after Colton jumped the fence? Of course you were! And, after all the build-up, it was worth the wait to see Mr. Harrison break into a light jog as he searched for Colton in the (say it with me) “dark Portuguese countryside.” There are dogs barking, crew frantically canvassing the area, Chris twisting in confusion, and a lead on the loose. The panic is palpable, and it is unspooling in unedited “real time.”
A panting Chris finally catches up with Colton, but our beefy hero is not having it. He does not want to be touched. He does not want to be consoled or cajoled. In fact, he does not even want to partake in this “journey” anymore. It is Cassie, or it is nothing. And so far, it’s looking like nothing…
Mr. Harrison finally convinces Colton to get in the kidnap-mobileBachelor van and is up first thing to have a serious chat with him. Chris reminds Colton that he’s not alone – he has Tayshia and Hannah G. still interested and available. You can almost see Colton’s brain turning, “Oh, yeah – those people,” before he starts talking about Cassie again.
Colton does admit to falling in love with both Tayshia and Hannah G., but it’s Cassie he’s actually in love with (the distinction is clear to Colton – falling in love vs. being in love) and once he decided Cassie was “the one” he shut his heart off to all others. Oddly his feelings for Ms. Randolph were solidified the night she told him about the confrontation she had with her father. You know – the night she broke up with him? Yes, that’s the night he describes as “the peak of knowing he wanted” her. Seriously, dude – what in the actual fuck?
Colton’s got it all figured out. You see, the reason Cassie hasn’t been able to move forward with their relationship is because he was in love with two other people and that didn’t allow her to feel safe in their connection. But now that he’s not in love with anyone but her, their path is all clear!
Even Chris is dumbfounded by this (completely bananas) logic, as that is nowhere near what is happening. Though I love to make fun of Chris (I adore him – I’m just a petty bitch that’s sups jelly of his job), this is where he earns my eternal respect when he says, “Maybe she’s just not that into you.” OMG – ALL HAIL HARRISON!
If you’ve been watching this season, you know that this makes absolutely no dent in Colton’s self-awareness. He has Bird Box blinders on, and nothing can shake him from his quest to force this woman to fall in love with him. Colton replies, “I have a good gut, and she’s into me. She loves me. I came here for love, and I found it. Life without Cassie wouldn’t be complete. Cassie completes me right now.”
Chris looks as stunned and frustrated as I feel. He bravely asks what’s next and Underwood reveals he’d like to fight for the one he loves. Colton just may drown in this sea of denial.
But first it’s time to break Tayshia’s heart. (An ill-advised move if there ever was one.) Tayshia opens the door with a beautiful smile when Colton arrives at her swanky hotel. He asks to talk with her outside. The sun is shining, birds are chirping, but the vibe is decidedly ominous. It doesn’t take Tayshia long to figure out she’s getting dumped and, needless to say, she is not happy about it.
Colton (robotically) gets right to it with the old “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. He says, “You’re a great woman. I owe you the respect and honesty of where I’m at right now. I know I was falling for you, but… in my heart I know I can’t love two people. My heart is with somebody else. I love Cassie.” He then emptily reassures Tayshia with a, “I’m sorry, you don’t deserve this,” and her, “Bitch, I know,” look is priceless.
Given that Colton has totally blindsided her, she understandably needs a moment, requesting that they finish their talk away from the cameras. He grants her request – but those wily crewmembers still find a way to listen in. It is here that we learn Colton is the one weeping, forcing Tayshia to take care of his feelings. The nerve of this man must span the length of Texas right now. Serious balls on this one.
Tayshia finally gets a moment to cry and Colton placates her, but it’s clear that he’s done, anxious to extricate himself from the situation now that he’s completed his breakup duty. It is as brutal as it sounds.
But it’s not over! Tayshia now gets to “confront” Colton in person, thanks to Harrison and the “live” broadcast of the two-part finale. How convenient!
The “live” televised portion doesn’t do much in the way of closure. It’s an awkward few moments where Tayshia asks what went wrong, and Colton can’t really answer, other than to reiterate he can’t love more than one person at a time – and the person he loves is Cassie. And thus, their story comes to an end. IMO, Tayshia’s too good for him anyway and I have no doubt we’ll see her in high demand come this summer on Bachelor in Paradise. (Though why she’s not being lauded as the next Bachelorette has me feeling seriously irked. It’s hard not to read this as more racism that plagues the franchise.)
One down, one to go – it’s time for Colton to break up with Hannah G.! Keep in mind that Colton is ending relationships with two ladies who adore him in order to chase a woman who’s repeatedly told him that she has no interest in being with him. How differently would Colton’s insistence be perceived if he were a female contestant? Just saying.
Poor Hannah truly has no idea what’s going on, innocently journaling in anticipation of her big Fantasy Suite date. (Dear Diary – I am so ready to bone this dude. I wonder if he wants to bone me? I think so. I mean, he did say he wanted to eat my sushi roll and there were like totally no fish around so that could only mean me. Wait! Does that mean he thinks I smell like fish? OMG. I totally wash “down there.” Most guys even say it’s fresh as daisies. Not that I’ve been with a lot of guys. I am a proper Southern girl. Boy, I am so confused. I’m going to have to have a talk with that Colton! But first let me compose a rap.)
Hannah is thrilled to find Colton at her doorstep – but not for long, as he gets right down to the business of crushing her sweet little dreams. It’s pretty much the same dialogue he delivered to Tayshia – she’s great, they had a connection, he was falling for her, but he can’t shake Cassie, and he can’t fake it. After all, she deserves better, and, at this point, I don’t think anyone is going to argue with him.
There are a lot of tears, on both sides. Oddly Colton walks out of Hannah’s hotel room and breaks down. So much so that a crewmember has to pop on camera to comfort him. He’s worried he’s giving up a good thing to chase the impossible. Spoiler alert: he is.
We’re briefly back to join the “live” studio audience so Hannah and Colton can have their final discussion about the demise of their relationship. Hannah is showing more backbone and confidence than she has this entire season and Twitter is wondering where this woman has been hiding. It’s refreshing. (Although the bar for the barely-there Hannah is set pretty low.)
According to Hannah and Colton, they both assumed it would be the two of them at the end and I am baffled. Were we watching the same show? Because I didn’t see anything in their connection that screamed that they were a lock to leave this mess engaged. But what do I know? I wasn’t wrapped in that banana leaf like a wilted California roll on sale at Happy Hour.
Now they’re onstage together. She says, “I loved you. I thought you felt the exact same way. You told me I should trust you every single minute I was with you. You asked for my dad’s blessing. I thought it was us. You didn’t give me reason otherwise. Why did you give everybody a chance until you couldn’t anymore, but didn’t do that with me?” He replies, “I tried to stay as open as I could. It was challenging. With you, it was a realization that I gave myself more to someone else. I knew I couldn’t be all in. I didn’t want to lose Cassie. Maybe I would’ve played by unwritten rules of the show, but it’s our lives. We both deserve more.”
And with that, they’re done. But don’t fear – I am 100% confident we will see Hannah beatboxing in a bikini this summer.
I hate this next segment with the fire of a thousand suns. The show could easily wrap right now. But NO. We are “treated” to a completely pointless all-male round table about Colton’s relationship status with Ben Higgins, Jason Tartick, Blake Horstmann, and fucking Garrett Yrigoyen weighing in on what Underwood should do and it is excruciating. Jason’s palpable thirst couldn’t be quenched by a sea of Gatorade and Garrett is still as dumb as a box of rocks. I raise my middle finger in protest for the brain cells I had to give away to this moment.
But enough about my ineffectual fiery rage. Let’s go back to Algarve and check in with Cassie, shall we? We see our fair maiden packing as she reveals she believes she made the right decision. Yes, it was “hard” and she’s sad. But she also recognizes she can’t make the commitment, nor handle the pressure, being engaged to a stranger would bring. She is, in fact, excited to “be back with friends and family, and be back home” so she can “move on” with her life. Her intent and desires could not more clear.
Meanwhile, Colton could not give one fuck about what Cassie wants or needs. He has his mind set on one thing and nothing short of harassing this woman and slipping her some Love Potion #9 will do. Sorry Cassie – Colton does not/will not/is not able to acknowledge your needs. Your bid for freedom will continue to fall on deaf ears. Welcome to the emotional Thunderdome – there is no way out.
We’re now on Night Two and if you’re wondering how I’m already on Beer Six, I will tell you that I’m on vacation and need to wrap this shizz up. How dare they air the finale back to back without taking my travels into account? It’s almost like ABC doesn’t even care about me!
Speaking of not caring, let’s get back to Colton and Cassie. Colton is poised to knock on Cassie’s door and profess his undying love. She graciously receives him – it’s almost like she knew he was coming – and patiently listens while he tells her he gave up everything for her. She is nervous. She is confused. She doesn’t know what’s happening. (i.e. She still wants to be on TV, this doofus won’t let her go, she’s stalling for time.) Colton sees her fear and convinces her they will “take it day by day.” This is enough to get Cassie to go to Spain with him to meet the Underwoods.
Meanwhile, Matt Randolph isn’t the only protective parent in the land. Colton’s parents aren’t that thrilled with this potential (lack of) love match. Cassie is rightfully nervous to meet them because she knows that they know. But – I beg of you – can she invest in a thesaurus? The only word she has at her disposal is “nervous” and it is killing me.
The meeting of the family is tenuous at best, but it doesn’t stop Colton from taking Cassie on a date and, ultimately, to the Fantasy Suite. Much speculation is had over whether these two got it on (the whole season was built around it, in case you forgot!) – but let’s get real. Like those two prudes were boning. The only thing that got raided in that Fantasy Suite was the mini bar and you know that’s the truth.
The happy couple joins Chris Harrison “in real time” so the audience can see how in love they are. Or at least how in love Colton still is, and how Cassie can barely get out any words of affection. But, whatever. Colton has chosen, Cassie has acquiesced – at least for now, and Chris has convinced himself that his boy has lost his V card. And thus, this most dramatic season has come to an end!
The “live” season finale wraps with the announcement of the next Bachelorette, and it is… Hannah B.! And OMG you guys, Hannah B.’s decision-making skills and speech delivery make the sloth from the beginning of Colton’s season look like the freaking Road Runner. I hope the producers have an intensive media training course for Hannah to immerse herself in ASAP, otherwise we are in trouble. But, come hell, high water, or incompetent toasts, I’ll be there, and I can’t wait for you to join me! Thanks for taking this journey with us, and be sure to check back in a few months for more recaps right here! xo
The Bachelor (2019): Season 23, Episodes 10 & 11
Take a Drink: every time Colton breaks up with someone.
Take a Drink: every time Chris Harrison looks at Colton with bafflement.
Take a Drink: every time you wonder when this emotionally stunted man will set the object of his unrequited desire free.
Take a Drink: every time Cassie looks like she wants to bolt.
Do a Shot: for Hannah B. and pray someone teaches her how to make a toast!
Preemptive Bachelorette Take a Drink: every time Hannah says, “Roll Tide!”