The Bachelor (2019): Season 23, Episode 9

By: Jenna Zine (Six Pack) –

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! No – not for Colton to lose his virginity on national television, because any fool knows that ain’t happening. This time it’s Bachelor Nation’s turn for a sweet release. That’s right, folks – Colton finally jumped that motherfucking fence and I gotta say that it was worth the wait. Get a running start – your Fantasy Suite recap starts now!

A Toast

Colton’s journey to pick the blondest, blandest, most emotionally unavailable woman is almost ending and I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t be more ready for this shizz to wrap up. How many people need to shout in this man’s ear that he’s picking the wrong gal? It didn’t even faze him when Cassie herself told him to his face. The denial is strong with this one.

But first we’re treated to an actual date with an actual lady – yes, the remaining contestants are headed to Algarve, Portugal, (which Colton woodenly/clumsily informs us is one of the oldest places in Europe) and the lovely Tayshia kicks it off with the first Fantasy Suite one-on-one. Honestly, these two could not be cuter together and I am completely baffled as to why she’s not the frontrunner. They seem to have a ton of fun together and – gasp – carry on real conversations while also maintaining a strong physical connection. You know, the things a mature person looks for when hoping to find a mate.

For this date, they continue to conquer their fear of heights together as they take a helicopter ride. The way he nuzzles her face as they take in the view absolutely slays me. Did I mention that Colton’s never been to Europe before? Just one of the many passports he needs stamped!

They land near a lighthouse and take in a stunning cliffside view of the ocean while engaging in intimate chatter. Tayshia reveals that her father likes Colton – he wouldn’t have “granted his permission” if he didn’t – and this causes Colton to rain kisses down on her cute little face. Meanwhile, neither one of them question why her father’s blessing means more than her own – especially for a grown-ass adult who’s already been married. The mysteries of the world – there are many.

Beer Two

The evening portion of the date brings boob tape and nipple slips. Tayshia’s all woman, and this is her moment to prove it. She playfully caresses her cleavage and encourages Colton to keep an eye on her breasts to ensure she “doesn’t flash herself to the world.” He is happy to oblige. Get it, girl! Sadly, along with this refreshing show of sexuality, also comes the dreaded baby voice. Honey – you’ve got him interested, so please keep with the adulting and don’t infantilize yourself. That is all.

Dinner is where we learn the reason behind Tayshia’s divorce – it was her husband who strayed (the first man she’d ever slept with, by the way) – and it was a devastating betrayal for her. They have intense conversation about the importance of intimacy and trust, with Colton assuring her cheating would not be on the agenda if they chose a life together.

Colton is blown away by the person she is, what she’s been able to overcome, and her positive outlook on life. Twitter is blown away by the fact that all this chemistry is still going to result in a jumped fence. In the meantime, these two agree to spend the night in the magical Fantasy Suite. Woot! Foreshadowing – they celebrate with a bottle of champagne that I’m praying the Bachelor interns shook for maximum impact because that thing explodes the second Colton pops the cork. You can do your own visualizing from there!

But, no surprise, despite the buildup, the morning after is one of quiet disappointment. Though Colton says, “Last night was good,” Tayshia doesn’t respond in kind because it’s obvious zero physical contact happened other than a lot of sleep. Tayshia didn’t expend her energy on boob tape to be well-rested, Colton. Read the damn room!

Tayshia, of course, remains gracious as they share a light breakfast, but everyone can tell she’s bummed and a bit worried. It turns out she’s right to be, as Colton tells us he’s falling in love with Tayshia, but he’s not in love, nor is he ready to take the infamous next step. And that is directly related to the fact that he’s still got his mind on other relationships…

Beer Three

Next up for the Fantasy Suite one-on-one makeout marathon is none other than Cassie Randolph, she of a very wise and possessive father named Matt. Does Matt still have thoughts on whether or not his daughter should be with this person he deems to be just “a guy”? You’re god damn right he does!

But first, let’s give these two a moment, shall we? Colton reiterates what he’s been saying for weeks – he’s in love with Cassie and is dearly hoping she’s in love with him too. Perhaps today is the day she’ll finally say it? (Spoiler alert: it’s not.)

The day starts off light and fun – they have lunch at a beautiful café before shopping. (This season has taught me that Colton would make an ideal bestie, if nothing else.) Colton finds a clothing store where he excitedly asks, “Should we get matching pajamas for tonight?” The innocence, hopefulness, and earnestness – coupled with the sheer cluelessness – is almost too much to bear. Also, if we were ever unsure that Colton is a virgin, his request for matching pj’s proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Colton, in yet another takeaway interview, claims that Cassie is sexy, edgy, and confident. She also has a fun, playful side. Apparently, the majority of these traits happened off camera, for the most I’ve seen of her is a blank, pretty blonde that would rather kiss than talk. We’ve gotten to know the sound of her saliva-swap way more than her personality. Just saying.

Not that Colton has one fuck to give what we think – he’s in love with Cassie, “point blank.” In a wife, he wants someone he’s “crazy about” that he “can’t keep his hands off of.” If that is the criteria, Cassie definitely fits that bill. They have an awkward dance with an adorable elderly couple in a square before the day turns and shizz gets real. While Cassie says they “connect on so many levels” and that their “relationship has been easy and free of red flags,” she also wishes that “they had more time.” I hate to be the one to break it to you, honey – your time is up…

Beer Four

It’s time to get serious. They settle in for a chat, with Cassie innocently saying, “How was your conversation with my dad?” You know this, I know this, but Cassie has no idea that she’s just asked a most volatile question. Matt Randolph does not suffer fools lightly – and he definitely thinks Colton is a fool.

Colton says his conversation with Matt was “the hardest of the three,” and then reveals that he did not receive her father’s “blessing.” You would’ve thought he told her the world was ending in 5 minutes because the look on her face is freaking nuclear. And this is where the date seriously goes off the rails.

Cassie is pissed, basically asking Colton, “Why in the hell didn’t you tell me this earlier?” It gets awkward quickly, as Cassie had (erroneously) assumed that her family was backing her and to find out this is not the case has her seriously thrown. You can see this is the moment she turns off the burner on what were her already lukewarm feelings towards Colton. What she’s bothered by most is Colton’s attitude towards Matt’s lack of acceptance, asking him, “Are you okay with that?”

Colton admits he would’ve preferred Matt’s “permission”, but it doesn’t dissuade him because he knows he loves her. Cassie is decidedly less settled, letting Colton know she’s frustrated by the turn of events. Her family’s opinion means everything to her and now she’s worried.

So… I’m guessing this means no sex then?

Beer Five

They split up to get ready for the evening portion of the date, but there’s a big surprise for Cassie in the meantime because guess who comes knocking at the door? Yep, it’s none other than Matt Randolph! He’s flown halfway across the world to give Cassie his two cents one more time. (Or, as one Twitter user posits: they filmed the father/daughter convo in a Hilton right after Hometowns.)

If Cassie was confused before, she’s edging towards hysterical now as the tears flow and do not stop. She’s frustrated that her father is not supportive and assumed that she’d have the decision-making powers here. But, no – she’s too wrapped up in what her family thinks of her. And what her family – or at least her father – thinks is that she’s way too young to get engaged to someone she barely knows. (He’s not wrong, but it would be nice if he let her figure that out for herself. You know, since she’s an adult and all!)

Though Cassie said she’s seen no red flags with Colton, Matt begs to differ. He’s not convinced she’s in love with her suitor and that there’s a big “but” lurking in her feelings. Cassie does admit to a hesitation. (However, it would be really nice if she was allowed to get there herself without guidance from her father!)

Honestly, part of being an adult is making mistakes and learning from them. What Matt is doing, albeit with love, is impeding this progress and – though it might not be televised – this will come back to bite both of them on the ass at some point in her life. You cannot deny the inevitable. Sorry, dude.

Beer Six

Cassie bids her father a tearful goodbye and heads off on her date. Needless to say, none of this bodes well for Colton. Cassie’s got it in her head that she should be 100% certain Colton is her soulmate, or it’s no dice because that was her father’s experience with her mother. No pressure!

Colton can hardly wait to press the Fantasy Suite key into Cassie’s hand, but he should’ve packed a box of Kleenex instead of condoms because the major waterworks continue to consume the rest of the episode.

Cassie is still upset that her father’s lack of blessing doesn’t bother Colton more. Then she drops the bomb that her father came to visit her at the hotel and Colton is shooketh. He knows his proverbial goose is cooked, but he persists. He repeatedly confesses his love, and she repeatedly confesses her doubt. This goes on for an excruciating amount of time (reminiscent of Becca & Arie’s televised breakup) until Colton can plead no more and finally accepts that she’s made her decision. He walks her to the Depression Mobile as he trembles with loss.

After a heart-wrenching goodbye, Colton goes to cry in his room. But he’s not there for long. He suddenly bursts out, takes a swing at a poor, hardworking camera operator, and starts to hustle for freedom.

Now we’re talking! The crew springs into action, chasing after our heartbroken lead. A crew member calls for someone to rouse Chris Harrison from his delicate slumber. But Colton is faster than all of them and, desperate for some freaking privacy, quite literally leaps over the fence in a single bound. (Or, in the words of Mr. Harrison, “Oh, my god; he jumped the fucking fence.”) And with that, our beefy superhero is free, and Twitter rejoices that this epic fence-jumping tease is finally over.

Verdict

Now Colton is “lost in the middle of nowhere” with a production crew desperate to find him. Cassie is on her way back to daddy. And poor Hannah G. is completely unaware that her long-awaited date is already a non-starter. We’ll have to wait until next week to find out how this concludes in a most dramatic two-part finale. In the meantime, satiate yourself with all the drama that went down on Tuesday’s Women Tell All episode. (Check my Twitter feed for thoughts – there won’t be a recap of WTA here due to time constraints.) Until next week, my fellow fence friends!

Don’t forget to follow me for live-tweets during the broadcast and be sure to tune in for episode recaps here at MovieBoozer every Wednesday! On a show schedule note – remember the next two weeks are back to back episodes, both Monday and Tuesday evenings. As such: Mon. 3-4 is Fantasy Suites, Tue. 3-5 is Women Tell All, Mon. 3-11 is the Finale, Tue. 3-12 is After The Final Rose.

The Bachelor (2019): Season 23, Episode 9 Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Colton and Tayshia kiss.

Take a Drink: every time there is a sexual innuendo.

Take a Drink: for poor Tayshia’s palpable disappointment the morning after her Fantasy Suite date.

Take a Drink: every time Cassie or Colton cry during their date.

Take a Drink: for Matt Randolph and his meddling ways.

Do a Shot: woot, woot y’all – that motherfucking fence has done been jumped!

About Jenna Zine

Jenna Zine is a writer, unashamed Bachelor franchise recapper & live-tweeter (@JennaZine1), drummer, and occasional standup comic. She's probably somewhere complaining about her bangs. Find more at www.jennazine.com

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