The Bachelor (2019): Season 23, Episode 7

By: Jenna Zine: (Six Pack) –

This week brings us back to the States – specifically to Colton’s hometown of Denver. And everyone is worried about where Colton’s head is at, including Colton. There is dissension amongst the ranks, as whispers of who may not be there for the infamous right reasons crescendos to a shout. But will Colton be able to hear it? Put on your detective gear – your recap starts now!

A Toast

The show opens with another download from Colton, and this round his eyes are decidedly less puffy. Looks like someone invested in a tube of Preparation-H! He lets us know that he’s, like, so totally confused about the information he’s received from Katie, Sydney, and Demi and simply cannot suss out who the “bad” girls are in the group. Can he not hear me screaming from my couch? The call is coming from inside the house – and that call is from Cassie. Run, boo – she’s right behind you!

The gals have their minds on Hometowns as everyone struggles to be on their best behavior in hopes of taking this human puppy home to meet the parents. But they’re all going to have to wait – the one-on-ones start immediately, and first up is Tayshia!

Colton takes Tayshia out for a date of things he would “do on a normal Saturday,” including visiting a dog park with his adorable pooch, sampling oysters (I do not believe this is his regular go-to food), wine tasting, ice cream (including a specialty cone for his pup!) and grabbing some salmon fillets for dinner. This is the high-calorie romp of my dreams. I see you, Colton!

It’s over sparkling rosé (damn, I love me some Colton Saturdays) that he ventures into the shark-infested waters that are Katie’s parting shots. Colton straight-up asks Tayshia what she knows, putting her in a bind. (Man – pour some vino down Colton’s throat and watch this man gossip!)

Tayshia takes a deep breath and reveals Katie was referring to… Cassie and Caelynn. Waiter, may I have a towel? Someone just spilled some tea!

Tayshia says Katie heard some disheartening conversations around the house, including hopes about being the next Bachelorette, not being ready for an engagement, and discussions of what Bachelor Nation parties they’d be attending once freed from the show. Sounds like someone might be waaaaay more interested in being an influencer than a bride.

The evening portion of the date sees Colton forcing himself to stay present as this info swirls in his mind. The salmon looks delicious but remains untouched. (I hope the crew at least got a bite?) Colton briefly asks about Tayshia’s family, deems her worthy, and gifts her with a Date Rose. One Hometown Date is secured. But what about Colton’s heart?

Beer Two

Back at the hotel, Cassie and Caelynn are discussing how they are so not guilty of the what they’ve been accused of – making them look totally guilty. A Date Card arrives – it’s for Caelynn and it says, “Meet me in the Rockies.” This time no one even pretends to look happy. It’s nice to see the artifice drop. Shit just got real, y’all.

Caelynn meets Colton at the mountain top. The air must be thin up there because these fit people are winded. There’s a brief montage of snow-related activity as Colton teaches Caelynn how to snowboard. But we all know what’s on Colton’s mind – can he trust Caelynn? The answer is no. But let’s see what happens, shall we?

The majority of the date is Caelynn convincing Colton that she is ready for marriage and babies. She must’ve entered a baking competition because she is laying it on thick and it is saccharine sweet.

According to Caelynn, she’s been caught off guard. How and why would anyone say such things about her? The picture she’s held so vividly in her mind – her on a rolling green lawn, behind a white picket fence, playing with her plump babies, under blue skies blessed by the sanctity of marriage might be ripped away from her! Who dare say this isn’t what Caelynn wants, for only Caelynn knows! Colton eats it up. Jesus. (I guess he hadn’t yet seen the footage where Caelynn calls Tayshia a stupid bitch?)

The evening portion brings a private concert at the Red Rocks Amphitheater, which, as far as those awkward shows go, has to be one of the best, because Red Rocks is truly stunning. No clue who the band is, and I frankly don’t care. Caelynn is awarded a Date Rose, and also secured a Hometown Date.

Beer Three

The plot thickens as Caelynn and Cassie band together to discuss the accusations leveled against them. They simply cannot believe what is happening! It seems there must be a kernel of truth to it all and Tayshia is quick to clarify, saying, “It’s interesting that of all the girls, you and Cassie were the only ones who acted defensively. Hence how we came to the conclusion. Colton asked me a question – I answered.” Ladies consider yourselves served!

Meanwhile, there’s another one-on-one that needs to take place, and this time the honor goes to Hannah B. with the note, “Home is where the heart is.” Which, as you could guess, means Colton is going to introduce Hannah to his family. His family seems sweet, Hannah is grateful to receive such an honor, and discussions are had. Though Hannah is in the midst of people who are dearest to Colton, don’t be fooled because he reveals to his dad that he’s “not sure if he can get there” with Hannah. May I suggest getting her out of your family’s kitchen then? Talk about mixed messages!

It continues into the evening, with Colton letting Hannah wax rhapsodically about her feelings, her eagerness for marriage, her belief in their connection, and how she can’t wait to introduce him to her parents. Her bubbliness quickly goes flat when Colton reveals what he told his father earlier – he does not believe he can “get there” with Hannah. Honestly, no surprise, as this connection was fumbled ages ago. She remains gracious, allows him to walk her out, and sobs in the Depression Mobile. But a spark of hope remains – presumably one we’ll see on Bachelor in Paradise this summer! Before she parts with Colton, she also issues the requisite “be careful of certain ladies” warning that our lead will not heed. So, there’s that!

Beer Four

We’ve got one more date to knock out, with this one going group style. The dreaded Date Card reads, “Saying goodbye is never easy,” and it’s for: Hannah G., Kirpa, Cassie, and Heather. Everyone is nervous, or at least pretending to be, with one of the most uncomfortable limo rides ever. Four women, two roses. What could go wrong?

The gathering kicks off with an old-timey train ride over a rickety bridge. That’s one way to get eliminated! But forget safety – a young man’s heart is balanced on the precipice of love and is in need of tender attention. One woman who won’t be giving it to him is Heather. Yep – former Ms. Never Been Kissed is at the group date for all of five seconds before telling Colton he’s not the one for her, and he agrees. The choo-choo returns and away Heather goes. Hopefully she enjoyed the bar car all to herself!

Beer Five

Are we sure this date doesn’t involve a carousel? Because all it’s doing is going around, and round, and round. The topic, of course, being whether or not Cassie and Caelynn are here for Colton or for fame. Colton’s heard from Katie, Sydney, Demi, and Hannah B. about the allegations and now Kirpa, the professional flosser, backs the gals, saying that she has concerns about C&C’s intentions. She knows what it’s like to end an engagement – (remember the virgin she dated for EIGHT YEARS?) – so she’s really invested in making sure Colton has all of the information to make an informed decision. You know who’s not invested in making sure Colton makes the right decision? Colton. He still refuses to believe that his Top Two could be anything but committed to a potential life with him. It doesn’t matter if Kirpa tattooed it on him – Colton wishes to remain blind. How many more ways does it need to be said? Is skywriting next?

Kirpa and Cassie get into it, because of course it gets back to Cassie what’s being said. Cassie accuses Kirpa of being desperate. She is defensive and angry, telling Kirpa she hopes she feels bad. Credit to Kirpa – she does not feel bad and doubles down on believing Cassie’s intentions are not pure and that she’s most likely hiding something. Is this date a steak? Because it is juicy!

Beer Six

The evening portion of this group excursion is no less tense, with Kirpa, Cassie, and Hannah G. competing for the final Hometown slots. They sit down to an awkward dinner and it’s not long before Colton whisks Hannah G. out to the front porch, leaving Kirpa and Cassie to sit in silence. Giggling can be heard and moments later Colton breezes in, dramatically whisks the rose from the table, and heads back outside. Yep, Hannah G. received a Date Rose, ensuring she’ll have the pleasure of introducing Mr. Underwood to the folks. As a reward, she gets to leave this horrible date.

Now it’s down to Cassie and Kirpa. As we know, Colton can’t decide for himself, so production sends in a ringer. That’s right – Caelynn is randomly allowed to crash the date, and it is serious. We know this because she’s wearing sneakers and leggings. No time for messing with sequins tonight!

Despite the fact that Caelynn and Cassie are competing, Caelynn can’t just sit by and let this woman’s reputation be maligned. (In other words, she and Cassie are guilty as hell and have made some secret pact to see each other through to the end.) In the least surprising elimination ever, Kirpa gets let go, Cassie gets a Date Rose and the final Hometown slot, and Twitter is robbed of the infamous Fence Jump once again. Damn you, ABC! (Shakes fist at sky.)

Verdict

What will next week bring? Who will have the rogue relative? Colton trusts his gut, but will he ever feed it? How many red flags will have to wave before Colton sees them? All of this and more coming your way! Don’t forget to follow me for live-tweets during the broadcast and be sure to tune in for episode recaps here at MovieBoozer every Wednesday!

The Bachelor (2019): Season 23, Episode 7

Take a Drink: every time someone warns Colton about Cassie and Caelynn.

Take a Drink: every time one of the gals tears up.

Take a Drink: every time Hannah B. tries to convince Colton that she’s the one.

Take a Drink: every time Colton talks about his gut.

Do a Shot: Peace out, Heather! May your lips meet your match in Paradise!

About Jenna Zine

Jenna Zine is a writer, unashamed Bachelor franchise recapper & live-tweeter (@JennaZine1), drummer, and occasional standup comic. She's probably somewhere complaining about her bangs. Find more at www.jennazine.com

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