Hello, Rose Lovers – welcome back to Thailand! When we last saw Colton, he was strolling along the beach about ready to let the ocean spray ruin his expensive dress shoes. Our beefy lead has a lot on his mind, you see, because two ladies are arguing, and he like literally just can’t with it. Perhaps wrapping himself up like a sushi roll will help quell his nerves? Get your soy sauce ready, peeps – we’re about to find out. Your salty recap starts now!
We pick up where we left off last week – with Colton deep in thought over Onyeka and Nicole’s pettiness – when out of nowhere host Chris Harrison sidles up to Colton on the beach like he’s been in Thailand the whole damn time. Bitch, we see you! You still have nut dust on your hands from the airline peanuts, so please don’t pretend like you know what’s going on.
Moving forward, and it’s time for the Rose Ceremony, but not before Onyeka bullies Nicole into proving that she’s a bully in front of the other women. Not sure what kind of logic this is, but either way Nicole is in tears because she knows she’s effed. Hope she’s got that suitcase packed because she’s not long for this Bachelor world.
It’s Rose role call and the ladies continuing on are: Caelynn, Tayshia, Kirpa, Demi, Hannah G., Katie, and Sydney. (Hannah B. is also staying, as she already has a Date Rose.) That means, in the least surprising elimination ever, that both Onyeka and Nicole are catching a red eye back to the States. Sorry ladies – Colton is not down with opinions or tears, and you’ve each exhibited both. However, I’m confident you’ll find real men back home, or perhaps in Paradise? August can’t come soon enough!
Now it’s time for another puffy-eyed download from Colton, as he fills us in on his most intimate thoughts. (Seriously, why are his eyes always so puffy? Do they withhold the caffeine until he confides in the producers? It’s cruel.)
We are saying goodbye to Thailand in favor of Vietnam, which also looks absolutely amazing. Production forces the gals to stand on a balcony and shout, “Good morning, Vietnam,” which is hilarious because I’d be willing to bet a hefty sum that they have no idea what they’re referencing.
A Date Card arrives! It is for Hannah G. and it reads, “We really knead this date.” (The “knead” is referring to the upcoming massages they will be receiving. Color me jealous!) Speaking of jealousy, the other women try to cover theirs as they wish Hannah G. fun on her one-on-one. Though the claws come out as soon as she leaves, with Caelynn hilariously calling out Hannah G. for skating by in life based on her looks. Um, hello pot – have you met the kettle?
And skate by she does, blinding Colton with her nonstop cuteness. Seriously, these two were pretty much in a lip-lock for the entirety of their spa date, even when wrapped in banana leaves as Colton notes they “look like sushi rolls.” He then salaciously adds, “I’d eat that sushi roll!” So… last week you made Sydney feel wildly awkward for her sexual double entendre and this week you’re down with raw tuna? Please continue to embrace the wide latitudes your maleness affords you!
The evening portion of the date reveals… absolutely nothing. Seriously. Hannah G. even says, “Opening up is not my jam.” (For real. I couldn’t make that up if I tried.) Though she does let Colton know her parents are divorced, and it wasn’t amicable, given that her mother drove her car across her father’s perfect lawn in order to piss him off. Passive-aggressive lady revenge is the best! Hannah G. gets the Date Rose.
Demi is absolutely convinced she deserves a one-on-one, so imagine her surprise when a Date Card arrives, and her name is on it! Unfortunately, it just happens to be accompanied by several other monikers as well, including: Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B., and Sydney with the ominous question, “Are you ready to fight for love?” Demi decidedly is not, noting, “Demi is not in a good mood today.” Good thing boxing gloves are involved, because it sounds like someone has some third-party steam to burn off!
The group is met with The Bachelor: Vietnam host Khôi Trần, who is adorable! Chris Harrison finally has some competition. Will he up is airtime in response? We have no time to debate, as Khôi, Chris, and Colton sit back while the gals engage in Vovinam (Vietnamese martial art) and it is lit! Demi’s not the only one with energy to spare – it turns out Katie is a force to be reckoned with. So much so that Colton has to end the game early when Katie punches Demi in the face. I’m sure Tracy is thanking Katie from her Barcalounger back home.
Let’s move on to cocktails, shall we? Sydney is decidedly not excited, lamenting that group dates suck. (I can only imagine!) Her night doesn’t get any better when Colton pulls Tayshia aside first. Sydney is not the only one feeling off – Tayshia’s got the “my man is dating eight other women” blues too and asks Colton for reassurance. He gives it to her, saying, “Our one-on-one moments are ones I’d kill to have every single day.” No mixed messages there! They kiss.
Katie, still glowing from her hand to hand combat, is with Colton next. Her high doesn’t last long, as she expresses insecurities with their relationship. She starts to cry, concerned that Colton won’t see that she’s trying. He reassures her, but… she doesn’t get a kiss, so maybe there’s cause for concern after all.
Demi goes big, pulling Colton away from the group so that she can call her mother for the first time since she got released from federal prison. The bid for forced intimacy is unsurprisingly an awkward failure, though we do get to learn that the women in prison spend their free time crafting “cute-ass dreamcatchers” out of yarn.
It’s Sydney who really gets nitty gritty with the finer points of where her relationship is with Colton as she presses him endlessly on his feelings. She finally reveals she doesn’t believe she and Colton can get there and he doesn’t exactly argue with her, instead offering to walk her out. She leaves him with a cryptic message, saying, “There are some wonderful people in that group. Find them. Don’t be distracted by shiny things.” Holy crap, Sydney – spill the tea!
Tayshia gets the Date Rose, and Twitter goes nuts searching for clues as to which shiny thing Sydney was referencing. We love a good mystery thrown in with our Bach!
Time for another date – this round is a one-on-one that is inexplicably awarded to Kirpa (whose poor chin has now healed, thank god). Everyone at home, and on the show, is surprised; but this is happening, so here we go!
Kirpa does the requisite “run to the suitor” fling and it is evident that there is no heat from the get-go. Seriously, it’s so boring, I don’t even recall what they did, other than sit together and not eat their food. Colton claims he’s attracted to her, but there is no evidence of this other than his spoken words. This not to say there’s anything wrong with Kirpa. There is not. It’s just that these two are so clearly not meant for each other that it’s baffling to watch this date take place. In fact, it’s so awkward that I’m convinced this is the infamous two-on-one, and that Kirpa is competing to eliminate herself.
Somehow the date makes it to the evening portion where Kirpa reveals she was engaged to a virgin for EIGHT YEARS, so she’s totally down to be in a relationship where there is no P in V action. Colton is quick to clarify he’s not waiting to get married, he’s just waiting to be in love. Kirpa says, “I feel comfortable with you. You’re a thrill seeker, and you’ve brought that out in me.” This is delivered in the most monotone voice possible. With that, Colton inquires if she’d be willing to get engaged at the end of this process. She shrugs and says, “Sure.” Against all odds, she secures a Date Rose. I’m still trying to sort out what I saw nearly 24 hours later, and I’ve got nothing.
Not everyone wants to keep it in their pants. Demi is on the prowl, claiming she needs to go “balls to the wall” in order to make sure something happens with Colton. This includes donning Daisy Dukes and fluffing out her hair like a stripper on holiday, intoning, “Maybe Colton won’t be a virgin after tonight,” as she sets off to visit him in his suite.
Colton answers the door in mock surprise and invites her in. They don’t make it to bed, but they do make it to the couch, where Demi claims to be falling in love. This does not result in a similar declaration from Colton. Instead he takes a deep breath and says, “I appreciate you saying that to me. You continue to make me feel special. However, it brings up something for me. A part of me doesn’t know if we can get there. I don’t know if I can see myself with you at the end of this. I can’t put you through a Rose Ceremony after what I’ve heard tonight.”
Demi goes into overtime trying to push out a few tears and remains largely unsuccessful. But she does leave him with this emotionally manipulative nugget of doubt, “There are girls here who seem like a safe choice. But they’re not safe and you’re just going to end up unhappy.” Colton crumples in shock, before taking in the starkness of Demi’s assessment and accepting the core of its truth. The energy in the room palpably shifts as he gives her a high-five, sweeps her up in his arms, and takes her to bed.
JK! He blandly nods and then thanks her with an unironic, “I appreciate that,” before walking her to the door for a prolonged hug. And with that, the Tiny Terror’s reign has come to an end. At least until this summer’s Bachelor In Paradise!
No rest for the wicked! There’s another Rose Ceremony to be had. As a reminder, Sydney left of her own volition, Demi got eliminated in the hotel room, and Kirpa, Hannah G., and Tayshia already have flowers.
The remaining bouquet is distributed to: Hannah B., Caelynn, Cassie, and Heather. That leaves Katie inexplicably up for elimination. (Colton is keeping “Barely Been Kissed” Heather over the human fire that is Katie? Someone’s picker is broken.)
Katie gets to say her goodbyes to the gals and then has her final chat with Colton. She is the third woman of the night to deliver yet another dire warning, saying, “There are some girls that are ready for what you want, and some that aren’t. Just be smart about it.” Holy crap – what does everyone in the house know that Colton doesn’t?
Colton would like to know as well. He’s definitely thrown, saying, “I thought when Sydney said it, she was talking about Demi,” he confesses to a producer. “And then I don’t know who Demi was talking about. And then I said goodbye to Katie, and I don’t know who she was talking about.” Confusion is writ large on his face and doesn’t abate when he talks to the remaining ladies. He says he wants the gals who are not there for the infamous right reasons to reveal themselves. Tayshia intones, “I have an idea of who he’s talking about. Colton knows the tea is brewing and he wants the tea.” WE ALL WANT THE DAMN TEA. PIPING HOT AND RIGHT NOW, PLEASE!
But… it’s gonna have to wait because we are out of time. Now that’s how you do a cliffhanger! Next week brings an overload of tears, as Colton fears he’s someone’s backup plan. He’s worried about making the wrong decisions as Hometowns approach. This could possibly be the episode where he finally jumps the fence but not before he reveals, “When I make love, I want it to be passionate, tender, and the greatest thing she’s ever felt.” TMI, dude. Now please excuse me – I’m gonna find a ladder and climb over my own fence. Until next week, my friends!
Don’t forget to follow me for live-tweets during the broadcast and be sure to tune in for episode recaps here at MovieBoozer every Wednesday!
The Bachelor (2019): Season 23, Episode 6 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Colton passively accepts a situation.
Take a Drink: every time a contestant warns Colton about the other women in the house.
Take a Drink: every time Colton hugs someone.
Do a Shot:for that stultifying event Kirpa and Colton called a date.
Do a s\Shot:for the end of this season’s villain, Demi!