By: Jenna Zine (Six Pack) –
This was a surprisingly pun-free episode of The Bachelor. I’m disappointed no one got blindingly drunk so that someone could say, “So & So tied one on in Thailand!” Who fell down on the job there?
Don’t fret – there is plentyto keep us entertained! Heather may have to change her job description from “Never Been Kissed” to “Unemployed.” Elyse might have worn a wedding dress to break up with Colton, and Cassie gets under the covers on Date One. Your exotic recap starts now!
The gals arrive at another luxurious resort, and I must admit that I will never tire of watching the women tear through the rooms clapping with delight. Who among us wouldn’t do the same? The only way I’m going to see half of these hotels is via reality television, so please – double down on the joy!
Apparently, Chris Harrison has not joined the crew in Thailand, leaving Cassie to fill in with the, “Remember, time with Colton is super important,” message to deliver. Yes, it is the entire point of the show, but thank you for reminding everyone. Now please go steal some of those fancy soaps for me.
The first Date Card arrives. It’s for Heather and it reads, “Let’s experience something new.” She shows up to her date braless and I am appreciating this bold move. This woman really wants to get a kiss and is leaving nothing to chance. If the bouncing breasts don’t do the trick, perhaps her constant moaning will? She “mmmmmm’s” her way through the entire meetup, from the boat ride, to strolling through the market, to the evening dinner. Someone needs to tell her this is not sexy.
Speaking of the dinner, this is where she (poorly) explains her backstory to Colton, letting him know she has dated before, is not putting any pressure on him, has no expectations, and is also not waiting to meet her husband before getting kissed. That kiss could happen at any time, Colton. ANY TIME. Like now!
Colton doesn’t take the bait yet. First, he has to process what Heather just shared: that she dated someone for 8 MONTHS and this man never kissed her. Like never. Not once. Honey – I don’t think that’s “dating,” that’s called “friendship.”
There’s not much of a beat for Colton to recover from the confusion and shock, for next he’s startled by a massive explosion. Yes, that would be another gigantic firework display. And it is under this shower of sparkles that Heather finally receives her first lip-to-lip contact. It goes on for an unnecessarily long time and, again, if Colton does not earn an Oscar – or at least an Emmy – for this season I will personally feel ripped off. Boy is putting in overtime. Heather receives the Date Rose.
Meanwhile, Elyse is having a breakdown on luxury thread-count sheets. She had the most perfect date ever in the history of dates with Colton at the amusement park. But now, in Thailand, she has a pit in her stomach. She can’t believe she flew halfway across the world, only to find she’s still not going to get quality time with her love.
Once again, are we dealing with a woman who has never seen the show before? Who does she think the other ladies are that she’s been living with in seclusion? Update: they’re not random strangers flown in to double as your supportive besties. They are your competition. Surprise – you’ve agreed to appear on a television show to find a husband!
There could not be worse time for a Date Card to arrive – at least for Elyse. But arrive it does! (Thank you, Bachelor Interns!) It ominously reads, “Will our love survive?” And it’s for: Demi, Caelynn, Hannah B., Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Onyeka, Nicole, Hannah G., and…Elyse. That means Cassie is finally getting her one-on-one, and Elyse is heading further into her spiral of despair…
When Elyse figures out that Cassie is up for a solo date with her man, she loses her shit. Which, quite frankly is shocking for an older woman – right, Demi? Just because you’re “mature” doesn’t mean you’re mature.
Heather returns from her date, still glowing from the high of her first kiss. She’s in the middle of sharing what happened when Elyse runs of the room and slams the door, leaving everyone else freaked out and disturbed.
Next time we see Elyse she’s in a white see-through gown that Demi notes is Elyse’s “statement dress.” This girl means business! She shows up at Colton’s door, asking if she can “steal him for a minute.” Well, you’re at his hotel room – I don’t believe he has any choice.
Somehow the “surprise” ambush is gorgeously lit. Funny how the camera crew knew to be there for this moment, isn’t it? Colton and Elyse settle on the couch, with Elyse awkwardly (albeit beautifully) dressed like it’s her wedding day. The talk, and the tears, begin with Elyse letting Colton know how much she likes him, adding (again) that the amusement park date was the best day of her life. (Who doesn’t like free hot dogs?) And the feeling of that day? That’s what she wants for the rest of her life – to be “stupidly happy.”
Now, don’t go thinking that Elyse is jealous, competitive, or insecure. It’s just that she wants Colton all to herself, and for no one else to have him, okay? Colton is just as confused as the audience, because what Elyse is saying and what she just described a diametrically opposed.
Colton tells her he’s confused and bummed, saying, “We have something. It’s there when I’m with you.” But Elyse cannot be swayed, claiming she could not possibly accept a marriage proposal after months of sharing his time and attention. (This seems reasonable.) Also, she can’t stand hearing the other women talk about how they’re falling in love with Colton. (Back to the question – has she not seen the show before?)
The only solution, Elyse has decided, is to leave the show. She bids Colton a tearful goodbye and is immediately filled with regret. Seriously, was she asked to leave against her will? She’s sobbing in her takeaway interview about wishing she’d stayed. It’s alarming.
Colton evokes the ghost of Becca (give it a rest!), claiming this is his worst fear – to get hurt again. How will he salve this emotional wound?
Welcome to the jungle™! It’s group date day, and this one is all about survival. Sexy! In case you’re wondering what it’s like, Colton is here to fill you in. He says, “This is not a park, this is not some trail. We are in the jungle.” Wilderness assessment brought to you by one of the greatest minds of our time.
After a brief trek, they meet up with a man named Joe, who grew up in the jungle and is there to help teach everyone some skills. After a brief tutorial, they’re broken up into three groups for an “hour” of survival time, with orders to return with food and water.
Group 1: Colton, Nicole, Katie, Tayshia. They not only complete the task, Tayshia also manages to sneak in a make-out session with Colton. Body heat was not on the list, Tayshia!
Group 2: Onyeka, Sydney, Kirpa, Caelynn. They found water in bamboo stalks and saved grubs in a dirty towel to serve as their protein. What these ladies will do for dick is astounding.
Group 3: Hannah B., Hannah G., Demi. Lead by the mischievous Demi, the gals hail a Jeep, head back to the hotel, and return with burgers and champagne. Group 2 are declared the winners, but clearly Group 3 is where it’s at.
For the evening portion of the festivities, we find Tayshia making the big moves again, leading Colton out to the beach for another make-out session. He thanks her for “making him feel special.” Meanwhile Hannah G. wants to “jump off a cliff” for Colton to “show him what love looks like.” They also discuss the zombie apocalypse. It cannot come soon enough, at this rate.
The date is not all about such romantic gestures, for Onyeka decides to stir up some dramz for herself and Nicole. (Random!) Onyeka reveals that Elyse conveniently confided in her before leaving that Nicole was only on the show to get away from Florida. While that sounds reasonable, there are many ways to leave Florida that don’t involve humiliating yourself on national television. Onyeka’s motives remain suspect and will continue to present themselves later in the broadcast. None of it matters in the moment – it’s Hannah B. that scores the coveted Date Rose.
But, for now, it’s time for Cassie’s long-awaited one-on-one. And believe me, Cassie is ready, intoning, “On a scale of one to hot, Colton is hot!” Um, “hot” is not a number but I believe I know where you’re going with this.
She greets Colton with a kiss and, much like the date with Heather, they also board a boat. But friends, that is where the similarity ends because unlike Heather, Colton cannot keep his hands off Cassie. It is nonstop macking from the moment they see each other, including the time spent on the “private island” they’re to spend their date on. It’s hilarious, given that it’s basically a sand spit and the Bachelor interns didn’t even bother to put up a sunshade or provide a picnic. Not that it would matter – the duo elects to spend their island time kissing in the surf, most likely to hide Colton’s massive boner.
They’re finally on dry land, but it’s the only thing that’s dry. (Gross – sorry.) The tug & tumble continues in Colton’s bed, where Cassie confesses that she’s not a virgin (a good a place as any to fill someone in on that info). She frets that her “community” will be disappointed to learn she’s already had her box checked. Not sure what kind of community keeps tabs on someone’s sex life, but I’m RSVP “No thanks” to that! No worries though – it’s not Colton’s place to judge and he reassures her that she’s safe to confide in him. Then they kiss some more. Like, a lot more. It’s never shown, but I’d say it’s safe to assume that she gets the Date Rose.
Now we’re at the Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony and the women are fretting about Colton and Cassie’s obvious connection. As they should! It seems that a lot has gone on behind the scenes that Bachelor Nation hasn’t been privy too. While this is the first date we’ve seen the two go on, it’s not the first time it’s been noted that Colton is head over heels for Cassie, with one of the women noting, “You can see the hearts in his eyes whenever he looks at her.” Y’all should just pull an Elyse and bail, for it sounds like the buckle of Colton’s belt has found the Chosen One.
It’s not a Cocktail Party without drama and that is certainly going to be provided. Now that Hannah B. and Caelynn have settled their beef, it’s up to Onyeka and Nicole to provide the verbal sparring. Onyeka calls Nicole a liar. Nicole calls Onyeka a bully. They go round, and round, and round, endlessly and pointlessly.
Not everyone wastes their time arguing. Tayshia and Colton have a lantern ceremony on the beach. Kirpa decides to floss Colton’s teeth. (She is a dental assistant, so she is showing off her skills. However, while I am a fan of dental hygiene, I also feel this is the fastest route to getting friend-zoned that anyone has ever taken.) Demi gives Colton a “trust ring,” claiming she’s “always going to protect him.” No comment.
Katie and Colton get some time to chat, but Colton can’t concentrate as the angry strains of Onyeka and Nicole’s ongoing argument spills over. He finally gets up to confront the two, but they barely acknowledge him since they’re too desperate to convince each other who’s right…
The show ends abruptly, sans Rose Ceremony, as a frustrated Colton stalks away from Onyeka and Nicole in order to clear his head. He forlornly walks on the beach, almost allowing the surf to ruin his dress shoes. Next week’s preview alludes to a lot of tears. Will Colton switch to flip flops? Will Elyse book a red-eye and return to the show? Has Demi’s ageism taken a permanent back seat now that Tracy is gone? We will find out all of this and more next week! Don’t forget to follow me for live-tweets during the broadcast and be sure to tune in for episode recaps here at MovieBoozer every Wednesday. Until then, Rose Lovers!
The Bachelor (2019): Season 23, Episode 5 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Heather leans in, hoping for a kiss.
Take a Drink: every time Elyse cries.
Take a Drink: every time one of the women eats a creepy crawly in the jungle.
Take a Drink: every time Colton and Cassie kiss. (For professionals only!)
Do a Shot:if you’d also walk into the ocean to get away from Onyeka and Nicole’s argument.