By: Jenna Zine (Six Pack) –
Hello, brave souls willing to follow Colton’s “dramatic” journey! There is much to chat about: mainly that beauty pageants are a bitch. Or maybe it’s just the contestants? (Insert wink emoji here!) Meanwhile, age continues to be an issue with Demi and Heather adds “Pot-stirrer” to her “Never Been Kissed” résumé. Let’s dive into this cesspool of wholesome lies together!
Chris Harrison is here to earn his keep, showing up to ask the women how it’s going so far. One of the gals notes, “The highs are high, and the lows are low.” So, basically the word used to describe said feeling is also the experience. Got it. Chris is similarly unimpressed, noting, “That’s the way it goes,” before tacking on, “That’s love.” Hope you’ve got your scuba gear on – we’re going deep, y’all!
But Mr. Harrison isn’t there to simply spout empty platitudes about romance, he’s also got a Date Card! It reads, “I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure,” and it is for: Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn. (We see Hannah B. fretting about Caelynn being on the group date, so of course Caelynn’s name is the last one called.)
To me it looks like the seventh ring of hell, but the ladies have actually arrived at something called a “Pirates Dinner Adventure” where they will dual for Colton aboard a giant ship in the middle of a Medieval Times-esque restaurant. (The gals are jetting off to Singapore next week, so one can only assume the bulk of the budget is allocated for travel over challenges. At least I hope that’s the case.)
Of course, Demi has to get in her two cents (“I’m a cutthroat chick. I don’t want to be a ho ho ho”). But it’s really Caelynn and Hannah B. who pull the focus for most of the episode…
Caelynn “engages” with Colton during the challenge, much to Hannah’s chagrin. (It’s a date, Hannah – it is customary to speak with your suitor. FYI.) But it’s Caelynn and Tracy who are chosen to fight for their man during Pirate Dinner service, with Caelynn ultimately winning. (No surprise.)
This starts Hannah’s self-proclaimed “spiral,” which lasts well into the evening portion of the group hang. Colton notes that it was “really cool” to see the women during Pirate Day because their “personalities started to come out.” If giggling while being forced to stand around looking like a bar wench is a personality, then yes – traits were out in spades!
The cocktail party quickly goes into full swing, with Colton pulling Katie aside first. She’s waaaay too cool for him, but they do seem to have some chemistry. We also get our requisite takeaway interview with Demi, who notes the growing tension between Hannah B. and Caelynn, saying, “The pageant girls seem to think there can only be one. I hope they both crash and burn.” (This may be the only time Demi and I will be on the same page.) Then she predictably veers back to her comfort zone of harassing Tracy about her age. Demi also takes time out of shaming anyone born before her to “steal” Colton from Courtney. Courtney later pulls Demi aside to chastise her for being rude, but Demi just sneers at her. So, still no surprises this evening.
Demi’s doing her best to light the fire, but it is again the Beauty Pageant Throwdown that’s the simmering plot point. Colton pulls Caelynn aside to tell her he likes her, and they make out. He’s excited about the potential of their relationship. Hahaha! Good luck with that, pal! Hannah B. has already started a whisper campaign against Caelynn (her former friend and competitor on the beauty pageant circuit) and it is building steam. She starts with the other women, telling them she doesn’t believe Caelynn is being her true self. Colton, of course, pulls Hannah aside to hear more about this feud that has now reached his ears, but when Hannah lists Caelynn’s negative qualities, he looks decidedly perturbed.
Hannah’s gamble definitely does not pay off – Colton makes a beeline for the Date Rose and awards it to Caelynn. Hannah, I highly recommend you steer clear of Vegas for a while because girl, you just crashed and burned on those odds!
Hallelujah – it’s another Date Card; this time for a coveted one on one. “Love is in the air,” and it is for: Elyse, the red-headed makeup artist! Colton has loaded the day with surprises, the first being a helicopter ride to San Diego (an hour-long trek – yikes!) to spend a day playing in an amusement park that has been closed to the public for their enjoyment. But, wait! Colton reveals it’s actually a group date after all. You can almost hear the “whomp whomp” of Elyse’s disappointment, when suddenly a bunch of kids come careening around the corner. Yes, the group date involves a cadre of children and it’s adorable as it sounds.
Colton and Elyse have a legitimately lovely connection and it’s fun to watch them bond while they hang with the kiddos. Colton notes that this is what most of his days are like running his charity back home. Who can hate on that?
Elyse has already had a grand time, but Colton has more in store. They’re off to a fancy dinner in a castle where Elyse reveals more of her past: it turns out she also runs a charity, in honor of her sister who passed away after giving birth to her second child, due to a cancerous tumor she couldn’t treat during her pregnancy. Jeeeeesus. Hearts are breaking across Bachelor Nation tonight. Nicholas Sparks couldn’t have crafted more of a tearjerker.
Colton praises her for her strength as a person, and Elyse surges on Twitter as a frontrunner to adore. Just when you thought they couldn’t get closer, Colton leads her into a ballroom that – of course – features a concert with an artist no one has heard of (Tenille Arts). Yes, the ever popular “near-strangers forced to awkwardly sway in front of more strangers to unfamiliar music” Bachelor fallback has arrived! The evening wraps with the duo entwined in one another’s arms. Needless to say, Elyse procures the Date Rose. Cue the cuteness quotient.
Back at the mansion, yet another Date Card has shown up. “For every strong man, there’s an even stronger woman,” and it is for: Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin. That means no date at all for Hannah G. Ouch!
In case you haven’t been tipped off by a shirtless Colton, this is a fitness challenge, featuring guests Terry & Rebecca Crews! (Omg – who doesn’t love Terry Crews?!) Rebecca says, “Marriage is hard. Life is hard. We’re here to help Colton find his strong woman.” (Um, while there is certainly truth to this, the sentiment doesn’t exactly scream “romance.” Haven’t we already had our dose of reality this evening?)
Catherine is proficient at Taekwondo and karate. Sydney proves herself to be remarkably flexible, and Nicole proves to be like the rest of us – a couch potato who can barely do one pullup. Finally, someone I can relate to!
And there’s more, including the Bachelor’s new Strongest Woman Competition, emceed by Chris Harrison and (a rapidly aging) Fred Willard. Onyeka is up first, dragging a 100 lb. concrete “wedding cake” to the end an arbitrary finish line. Nicole is next and cannot even budge the “cake,” instead taking off her shirt (sports bra underneath) to get Colton’s attention before she dissolves into giggles. Catherine and Sydney flip massive truck tires meant to evoke engagement rings. Meanwhile Tayshia and Caitlin are forced to try and pull a limo with a heavy metal chain. Tayshia naturally can’t make the car budge. Meanwhile, the producers play God with Caitlin. She pulls the limo several inches and it’s clear there’s a driver behind the tinted windows. As if it wasn’t already clear this show is rigged!
There’s one more competition: this time between Onyeka, Sydney, and Catherine that has something to do with balls. I’m not sure how this relates to the marriage theme, other than ball and chain? At any rate, Onyeka wins handily.
We’re going into the nighttime portion of this gathering. Onyeka gets fed wedding cake. Tayshia gets praised by Colton for being so supportive of the other women. Nicole gets cuddled and whispers sweet nothings into our Bachelor’s ear in return. But it’s Cassie who gets the passionate kiss as he presses her up against a window in a secret corner of the bar. Get a room, already!
Meanwhile, Caitlin is struggling to catch up to the other women. She and Colton try to connect over a cocktail, but it goes nowhere. I honestly don’t know what happened – seemingly nothing – but all of a sudden Colton is escorting Caitlin through the party and out to the street. He’s decided there’s nothing between them and asks her to leave immediately. Dayum!
The women are freaking. “This means anyone could go home at any time,” screeches one of the gals. Uh, yeah – that’s pretty much the premise of the entire show but thank you for stating the obvious. That said, it’s Nicole who earns the Date Rose this round. Random, but I’m here for it.
What’s that? Chris Harrison is back again? Is he angling for a raise or something? Anyhow, here we are back at the mansion. Chris reveals there will be no cocktail party preceding the Rose Ceremony. The ladies gasp in terror. But never fear! Chris says no cocktail party – but yes to a pool party! Shimmy into those bikinis – it’s time
to jockey for you bunk bed for fun in the sun.
If the girls were thinking Colton would evenly distribute himself amongst them like properly-applied sunscreen, they are quickly disabused of that notion for the bulk of the “party” is spent between Caelynn, Hannah B., and a quest for the truth.
Caelynn and Colton connect. Hannah B. spends her time shit talking Caelynn, with much encouragement from Heather. Colton and Caelynn “just happen to” stroll by where Hannah and Heather are grousing about Caelynn. Gee, that was in no way set up by the producers! It’s almost like that self-driving limo from earlier.
Hannah B. does get a moment with Colton, and predictably squandering it to tell Colton that Caelynn is a manipulative C You Next Tuesday. Basically, both Hannah and Caelynn are guilty – guilty of not spilling the goods! Both of them are dancing around what in the hell really happened between them and 99.9% of Twitter is over it. Do not pass go until you are ready to spill the tea, ladies!
And… it’s Rose Ceremony time! Who stays for another shot at this golden retriever posing as a grown man? They would be:
Hannah G., Tayshia, Katie, Cassie, Kirpa, Sydney, Demi, Tracy, Courtney, Heather, Onyeka, and Hannah B. – last, of course. (As a reminder: Caelynn, Elyse, and Nicole already have roses.)
Going home are:
Catherine (and presumably her dog!)
Bri (she of the faux Australian accent who quickly became a non-entity)
The previews for next week’s episode have the group jetting off to Singapore! It seems super early in the season to be leaving the mansion for such a far-flung location, but I’m hoping it’s a nod to Crazy Rich Asians, which knows how to do romance right!
That’s a wrap for this week. As always,
The Bachelor (2019): Season 23, Episode 3
Take a Drink: every time the feud between Caelynn and Hannah B. is discussed.
Take a Drink: every time Colton looks like he wishes he could dump Hannah B. on the spot.
Take a Drink: for Hannah B.’s hilarious speech about the “beautiful monster” inside of her, and how her “rage tank” is full. Rosé all day, boo!
Take a Drink: every time you “Aww” at how cute Colton and Elyse are together.
Do a Shot: for Demi’s relentless ageism.