Hello, Bachelor friends! Well, we’re really getting into it this week with group dates, one on ones, dramz between former beauty pageant contestants, air horns vs. silver bowls, and some bish named Demi that’s standing in as this season’s Corrine. Is Colton still a virgin? Absolutely. Will he remain one until the Fantasy Suites and beyond? All signs point to yes! Follow me as we glamp it up with our football player du jour.
We open with a shot of a babbling brook before the camera crests over a verdant hillside and right to a shirtless Colton in bed. We get it – he’s wholesome. At least it beats the show beginning with the revving of a sports car, ala (the now married-dad-to-be) Arie Luyendyk Jr.!
Chris Harrison arrives. He looks fresh-faced, but who knows? He could be exhausted from having to button that shirt and stand upright in front of a group of homogeneously attractive women. We cannot judge until we’ve walked in his shoes! Chris delivers the first date card along with some stock advice, which essentially boils down to, “Get time with Colton.” That is indeed the goal.
The first card reads, “You never forget your first date,” and it is for: Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Nicole, Catherine, and Onyeka.
We are now at a theater and wait… do I spy Megan Mullally & Nick Offerman, beloved comedy duo/husband & wife? Yes! This is a quality cameo in a sea of Episode 2 mediocrity and I am here for it.
As anyone with a pulse who has watched this show more than once can surmise: yes, there is a stage with a microphone. And yes, that means a competition involving public speaking. This round is a hybrid of (supposed) comedy and storytelling about “Firsts.” (Colton tells a nervous Hannah to “just picture everyone naked.” Especially interesting advice, considering he’s a noted free baller.) Colton naturally kicks it off with a chat about… wait for it… (surprise!) his virginity before turning it over to the gals. Their time onstage ranges from uncomfortable to uncomfortable. So, really no range. We’re not out here swinging for the fences, folks. We’re just trying to squeak out an hour of content so ABC can sell an hour of ads.
Here’s what some of the women revealed onstage:
Elyse: says she used to date older men, but Colton is younger than her so now it’s her chance to “be a cougar.” Giant eye roll.
Nicole: has dated a lot of spicy men, but can finally taste white bread, thanks to Colton. I don’t know about you, but that got a legit laugh out of me!
Hannah G: talks about how Colton handed her her first meaningful rose. Yawn.
Catherine: kicks over the mic and says she can “swim through bitches,” referencing her tussle with Onyeka from Night One.
Tracy: tells an insane story about fighting with a sorority sister over a virginal man in college (oh, how convenient!). Her “sister” knocked her out, and when she came to, the boy had already been made a man. But she still rode that pony and claims he said it was the best sex he’d ever had. Because he had so much to compare it to?
Demi: reveals she once saw a cute guy at a party and didn’t do what she wanted to… so she’s gonna do it now! OH – the cute guy is Colton. I get it! Ha ha ha. Demi leaps off the stage and gives Colton a big kiss, startling him and infuriating the girls. Ladies & gentlemen – we have our villain!
We bid Nick and Megan adieu and head to the evening portion of the group date, taking place at a swanky rooftop bar. As expected, Demi swoops in first. Colton praises her, saying she’s “got the moves,” as they engage in flirtatious banter. Demi returns to the group, exerting her alpha status by grabbing the Date Rose and claiming it’s as good as hers. Her taunting works, especially on wardrobe stylist/self-professed fashion police Tracy. This provokes gales of laughter from Demi. Is it just me, or does her maniacal giggle feel like an icepick to the brain?
Elyse and Colton chat, with Colton revealing he feels like he “could learn something” from the “older” Elyse. They laugh about the “cougar den.” For the record, Elyse is 31 to Colton’s 26, but they both act like he’s dug up some relic from the Titanic. It’s depressing.
And it’s back to the hilarity when Tracy confronts Demi about daring to touch the rose. There are grade schoolers more mature. Demi notes, “There is no advantage to being an older woman here.” Again, for the record, Tracy, like Elyse, is 31-years old. Ancient bitches, both! How dare you come around Colton with your dusty vaginas? Like, what were you thinking?
Tracy and Demi can argue all they want, but it’s Elyse who is awarded the Date Rose. Who said there isn’t an advantage to being older now, Demi?!
Back at the mansion, another date card has arrived. This time it’s for a one on one: “True love is on the horizon.” And it goes to… Hannah B., who reveals, “It’s my golden birthday!” I do not know what a golden birthday is – all I can think of when it comes to golden right now is showers. It must be my age.
Colton whisks Hannah away in a vintage Jeep, taking her to arid realms (Vasquez Rocks) where – of course – there sits a hot tub and a bottle of champagne. Colton seizes the moment with a toast. It is lovely, filled with words you’d hope to hear on a promising first date. Now it is Hannah’s turn, and… nothing. She cannot come up with a single thing to say to – or about – Colton. Tumbleweeds roll by as the silence stretches. If you think this moment makes for terrible television (but is ripe for a Twitter explosion), you are correct. Who, for the love of god, can’t muster up even the blandest of sentiments? You’re not making an Oscar speech, for god’s sake. You’re clinking glasses with a hot dude for one second and then moving the eff on. Finally, she speaks, bringing up her birthday. Yes – all of that dead air, and then she essentially toasts to herself. Hannah – she may not have words, but she does have balls.
The one on one also has an evening component, and Colton is as nervous for it as we are. If today is any indication, we’re in for a loooooong night. They settle in on the deck of The Queen Mary (a historic ship docked in Long Beach, CA.) for some vittles that will remain untouched, with Colton desperately trying to eke out thoughts from his potential beloved. She finally – finally – begins to open up a tad, and that’s enough for our Bachelor. They kiss while a startlingly loud and elaborate firework display crackles from shore. She is given the Date Rose (to the bafflement of Twitter, and probably Colton).
Now it’s time for yet another date card, oddly titled, “I can’t fight this feeling anymore.” It’s another group outing, this time for: Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Cassie, and Heather. They are off to a makeshift summer camp to duel it out for Colton’s affections with such games as tug of war and “paddle this boat around randomly.” You know, the classics.
First, a few words from Billy Eichner, rounding out the best cameos this season will have! He gives an insightful pep talk to Colton, essentially ending with, “Who knows? Maybe you’re the first gay Bachelor!” This is perfection, and I wish I could end my recap on this note. (Billy also hilariously says, “I wanted a guest spot on The Goldbergs. Instead I got this.”)
But there’s more, including a relay race, as well as the aforementioned tug of war and paddling of canoes. If you think it’s a fun playdate in the sun with our stud, you are wrong because the stakes are high! For whichever team wins these silly games will also get to stay overnight at camp with Colton, while the other team will be sent back to the mansion. Horror of horrors! Everyone gives it their all, but it’s the red team that emerges victorious, with the yellow team taking their sweaty gym socks home.
The evening is not too exciting, although Caelynn does score some quality moments and a few kisses from Colton. Heather also makes a bid to climb the ranks by being transparent about her virginity. You may remember she’s the gal who’s never been kissed – and she’s finally going to reveal this information to Colton. She’s worried he’ll think she’s not ready, but he comforts her. He knows what it’s like – he went through the same thing with Becca! Colton says not to be ashamed, but… he doesn’t kiss her, which is pretty harsh given that he’s already macked with half the gals there and could’ve easily given Heather her first smooch. Ouch. However, it’s not a total loss – Heather gets the group Date Rose for her honesty. A salve to the wound, for sure.
Meanwhile the women at the mansion fret about alllll that extra time the other team is getting with “their man.” But if the yellow team feels jealous (they do), they really shouldn’t. There’s not even s’mores by the campfire (or a weenie roast – come on, don’t fall down on the double entendre job now, producers)! Instead, Colton warmly (read: platonically) wishes everyone goodnight, drops them off at a drafty wood cabin, and disappears into the night. Where is Billy Eichner when you need him? (Also: I legit miss Arie right about now, because at least there would’ve been some late-night shenanigans. That dude was dirty AF.)
Now everyone has reconvened at Casa de Bachelor for the Hunger Games: aka the cocktail party preceding the Rose Ceremony. Courtney and Colton hit it off when Courtney reveals she has five siblings and can’t wait to have a large family of her own. Sydney and Colton are also having fun connecting – she admits she cheated during the canoe race, which he finds adorable. They’re about to smooch, when a brutally loud air horn disturbs the peace. It’s Onyeka, who’s decided the best way to get Colton’s attention is by making him deaf. Not the most solid of moves.
However, she succeeds in forcing Sydney off the stoop, taking her place by Colton’s side. But Sydney is not easily deterred and decides to fight back, escalating the noise wars by banging a ladle on a cookie sheet. Onyeka still doesn’t budge (where is Colton’s voice in all this, btw?), so Sydney hustles back to the kitchen, this time returning with a silver mixing bowl and a spoon. This does the trick, but did anyone really win with this ridiculousness?
Tracy, the old-ass fashionista, is still in breakdown mode, which kicks into high gear when Demi comes gliding outside in a robe, making her way towards the Bachelor. Demi “steals” him from Tracy, moments into their time, to “show him her fashion closet.” (Is that what the kids are calling it these days?) More tears from Tracy and chuckles from Demi round out this party.
Woot, woot – now it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Bate your breath, peeps – this is who’s staying on for another week: Tayshia, Cassie, Caelynn, Courtney, Demi, Nicole, Kirpa, Catherine, Hannah G., Bri, Sydney, Onyeka, Katie, Caitlin, Nina, and (final rose) Tracy. These ladies join Elyse, Hannah B. and Heather, who already earned Date Roses, in the winners’ circle.
That means we’re saying goodbye to: Erika, Alex, Angelique, and Annie. Also, apparently Catherine’s dog, who hasn’t been seen since Night One.
Drama continues to brew between former friends and pageant competitors, Hannah B. and Caelynn. Caelynn is “worried” that Hannah is going to snap. Hannah claims, “There’s a beautiful monster inside of me, and the beast has got to come out,” so Caelynn may not be too far off. Also, we will see more of Colton shirtless, most likely as he stares at himself alone in the mirror, since he seems set on eschewing any skin to skin contact.
That wraps up this week! Thanks for your patience with our day delay (due to my luck of the draw being trapped at jury duty) – we’ll be back to our regular posting schedule moving forward. As always, don’t forget to follow me for live-tweets during the broadcast, and be sure to tune in for episode recaps here at MovieBoozer every Wednesday.
The Bachelor (2019): Season 23, Episode 2 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Demi plays the villain and Tracy melts down.
Take a Drink: every time you cringe during one of those “Firsts” stories.
Take a Drink: for every second of silence you count during Colton and Hannah B.’s date.
Do a Shot: for me – I wrote most of this recap while waiting to hear whether or not I was going to have to sit for a criminal trial!
Do another Shot: seriously, where is Catherine’s dog?