By: Oberst von Berauscht (Six Pack) –
The true story of the Titanic disaster is finally told. What is the true story of the Titanic you ask? Well, it was caused by an evil Stepmom and a devious Whaling magnate conspiring to corner the global whaling industry by having the Stepmom’s daughter marry the magnate. When the daughter rebuffs, the Magnate hires a group of criminal sharks to convince an Octopus to sink the Titanic with an Iceberg. The plan eventually was foiled when the Octopus had a last second change of heart and died saving the passengers. The Octopus would drown though, but would be brought back to life by the power of Jesus Magic.
No, you read that synopsis right…. No shit, this actually exists… I swear. And what makes it that much more disturbing is the fact that it is just one of TWO animated films about the Titanic that feature talking mice. Now, that’d be the end of my befuddlement if the films were good, but no… no they’re not.
The animation style in Legend of the Titanic is heavily inspired by Disney and Japanese animation. “Inspired” should have been put in quotations, though, because the slap-dash quality of it is immediately evident, with numerous stilted moments where the animation moves as if being viewed on a 90s computer with a 14.4 modem connection. Random CGI external shots of the Titanic happen numerous times throughout the film, which are awkwardly blended in with the 2D animation in what was probably a last-minute attempt to fool people into believing this movie had production values.
The conceit of “Mice doing people things as they observe people doing people things” has been used so many times in animated cinema, but this time they didn’t even bother to try to make it fit into the narrative. Only the dumbest and most gullible of children will be swindled into watching this for more than 5 minutes. (But a most self-abusive film critic, such as myself will watch the whole thing… because… I really don’t even know anymore.)
The Octopus in this movie, the aforementioned cause and savior of The Titanic disaster, is named “Tentacles”. He looks like his Octopus mother made it with a dog, creating an abomination.
Early in the film, the main human character, a girl named Elizabeth, stands at the edge of the ship and begins crying because of being forced into a marriage she doesn’t believe in. Her magical tears touch a dolphin imbuing it with the ability to talk to her. And apparently also allowing the dolphins to hover in the air… and they spy for her and discover the scheme the bad guys have.
The worst part about this film is that despite a good number of balls-out crazy moments, somehow this all turns out to feel just… kind of boring. Long periods of uninteresting montages and inane scenes that have no connection to the story keep it from being quite as awesomely terrible as it might have been otherwise. Instead it’s just boring and terrible, with occasionally funny scenes.
The Legend of the Titanic is an insufferable mess of a children’s movie that re-write’s history in a hilariously offensive way
The Legend of the Titanic (2016) Drinking Game
Take a Drink: whenever the CG-animated ship contrasts horribly with the cell-shaded animation
Take a Drink: for lengthy, boring montages
Drink a Shot: when history is changed forever by the act of a benevolent Octopus
Take a Drink: for animals doing human things