By: Hawk Ripjaw –
It’s pretty cool how every movie this weekend would somehow be made better by weed.
You know what Gringo looks like? It looks like some really entertaining characters in a moderately fun-to-somewhat-boring caper that will be a fun watch exactly once and never again. It looks inoffensive and goofy, like the Todd Phillips Starsky & Hutch remake. It’s a MoviePass movie, as we say around Reddit nowadays. I don’t have really much else to say about this movie, except for the curious absence of any actual stoner comedy. Or maybe it will, and that’s what will end up being the problem. I get the sense that this won’t necessarily traverse different genres all that well, but it might be just benign enough to be fun. I think we’ll all end up not really caring beyond that first “Fun while it lasted and at least I didn’t pay actual money for it, thanks MoviePass” viewing.
You know what’s really weird though? This has a lower Metacritic score than that stupid-looking Strangers sequel.
The Hurricane Heist
There is nothing that doesn’t look absolutely stupid about this movie, right down to the fact that the distribution house is called fucking “Entertainment Studios Motion Pictures,” which sounds like a shell operation trying to pretend to not be a shell operation, or a person trying to hide behind an object smaller than themselves: nobody is fooled.
Here’s the thing about The Hurricane Heist: it’s directed by Rob Cohen, who has spent years probably being in on the joke before confirming it with 2015’s The Boy Next Door, which was one of the most amazingly self-aware piece of shlock I’ve ever seen in my life. And what’s more self-aware than “bad guys use a massive hurricane as cover to steal a shitload of money?” You don’t pitch that with a straight face.
IT’S THE HURRICANE HEIST! IT’S ABOUT BAD GUYS WHO DECIDE TO USE A FUCKING HURRICANE AS COVER TO STEAL MONEY! THE TAGLINE IS “$600 MILLION STOLEN AT 600 MILES PER HOUR.” You know exactly what you’re going to get if you watch this.
This is going to be a masterwork of nonsense.
Strangers: Prey at Night
I only saw the original Strangers once, and it was when I was in high school, and it scared the shit out of me. I imagine that if I were to rewatch it now I would be a bit less enthusiastic about it. I only say this because based on the trailer for that original, and the one for this sequel, are kind of… dumb? The scares in both movies kind of work in a movie context, but if I were to imagine these things happening in real life they’re not quite as bad. Inconvenient, maybe, but not bad. I’ve also noticed that the killers in the first movie don’t really do much besides just sneak around and do stuff to mess with the family, which would be fine if it actually culminated in something more interesting than “tie them to a chair and take turns stabbing them.” This sequel might feature a bit more killing as it expands the scope of the setting to an abandoned trailer park and drops the story directly into a weird John Carpenter-lite nostalgia trip. That’s probably the only reason to see it, but why the hell not?
I just read a weird piece of news that stated that the movie’s score almost ended up being composed entirely of Jim Steinman music. Now I’m just enticed to see the movie and try to imagine what that would have been like. It probably won’t make it any better.
A Wrinkle in Time
Wow, coo—wait, what is this supposed to be about?
I guess my problem for right now is that I really…. REALLLLLLYYYY do not trust Disney. At all. The Marvel movies are good, but the direct Disney live action movies such as, I don’t know, carbon copies of every animated Disney movie ever and that steaming pile of shit they tried to call Pirates of the Caribbean are making me have my doubts. Granted, when I saw the teaser trailer for Christopher Robin and heard the voice of Pooh once again, I inhaled sharply, tried for about a millisecond to hold it back, and threw myself in front of the emotional nostalgia train. And that train got me good. I’m almost 30 and all Pooh had to say was this kid’s fucking name and my entire childhood rushed to greet me.
This isn’t Christopher Robin, but it is directed by Ava DuVernay, and Ava Duvernay is a very good director. A Wrinkle in Time is a pretty different sort of project for her, and at the very least, it’s got some really good-looking visuals. That alone is probably worth a ticket, but if the trailer are any indication, it might end up being aimless and empty.
Still though…that production design looks stellar.