By: Hawk Ripjaw –
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald
I like Harry Potter. I saw the first movie in theaters three times. I attended every late-night release of novels from Goblet of Fire onward. I read Deathly Hallows in a single sitting the night it came out because my skill at reading books makes up for my lack of skill at reading women. I might not have a girlfriend, but I do have a satisfying conclusion to a story I grew up with!
Anyway, this movie looks boring. There’s plenty of magic in the trailer for The Crimes of Grindelwald, but where is the magic? This looks cold, clinical and uninteresting. I actually remember Ezra Miller dying in the last movie, but I guess I’m wrong. The most interesting thing about Newt Scamander—a guy who collects and studies fantastic beasts—is smothered by his sudden involuntary involvement in a new wizard supervillain (Actually, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that Scamander won’t even be a main character in the second stretch of the multi-film franchise). Johnny Depp looks he just got out of a Rammstein concert. At least Jude Law looks cool as Dumbledore. The biggest problem with Crimes of Grindelwald is that it feels creaky in how it ambles through the overarching plot. It feels plot-driven, instead of character-driven. The triumph of the original Harry Potter series is how it was exactly the reverse.
Fuck it, it’s the Wizarding World, I’ll probably see it.
Does it feel like some actors are on a weird trajectory of starring in bad movies? Like, specifically Michael Fassbender and Mark Wahlberg? Fassbender is an actor I adore even in movies I hate. Mark Walhberg is a… decent actor in generally good movies. Both of them are on a downward trend. Fassbender has been going hard on the crap for a few years, but Wahlberg is seemingly just starting. The Daddy’s Home movies were just the beginning. This year, he’s already starred in the enjoyably terrible Mile 22. If you haven’t seen Mile 22, it’s both a case study in how to not film an action movie as well as a hysterical smorgasbord of extremely angry people screaming at each other and doing B-movie action movie stuff. I could do with some more Mile 22 Wahlberg, because Instant Family Wahlberg looks as asinine and boring as any other low-grade family comedy you’ve ever seen. Like Fassbender, maybe it’s time for him to look for a new agent.
I really, really, really don’t care about this at all. Although Rose Byrne is one of the most adorable human beings to walk Earth so I might have to see this at some point.
It turns out that a good chunk of audiences are not very hot on Widows, because there “Isn’t very much action.” But that trailer sure is suspenseful. It’s both a good and a bad thing, because while someone familiar with director Steve McQueen are probably aware of the fact that the guy probably has very little interest in making action movies. And if you watch the trailer closely, it looks like 80% of the action shots come from the same scene. But this is a very well-cut trailer. It’s exciting. It’s propulsive. It makes the movie look fucking epic. So it’s understandable why people would expect a certain thing from the movie. What excites me the most about Widows is the thematic underpinnings of consequence, the ripple effect of the actions of one set of people and how they affect another set. And that cast is absolutely stacked. Whatever Widows ends up being, I’m on board.
Again, absolute props for one of the the best trailers of the year.