By: Hawk Ripjaw –
Confession time: I’m not super into boxing movies. I don’t love the Rocky movies, but I do appreciate some of the goofy training stuff. I especially appreciate the remarkably horny third movie where Apollo Creed and Rocky Balboa do things you might in a SFW advertisement on Pornhub or a particularly progressive erectile dysfunction medication commercial. Those training montages are pure, uncut foreplay, baby. Actually, there’s a lot of homoeroticism in those early movies, and it’s too bad we don’t get that kind of thing in movies anymore. I’m not saying that every movie has to have two dudes being friendly with each other, but it’s nice every once in a while. Bear hugging another man is like, Top 5 Non-Food-Related Feelings material.
Anway, I really liked the one-take fight from the first Creed, and I really liked the scene where Creed was running with the dirt bike crew and he started shadowboxing while they did wheelies in a circle around him. That’s the kind of thing that’ll get me to buy a ticket, guaranteed. Hey, Focus Features: I’m not very interested in Mary, Queen of Scots but the next trailer features Queen Mary doing a boxing training montage while a dirt bike gang does wheelies in a circle around her, I will see your movie and I will announce it from the nearest rooftop. Let’s shake on it. But we gotta flex really hard while we do it.
Did I just talk myself into going to see this?
Ralph Breaks the Internet
I would like to discuss a specific scene in this trailer. It happens right at the end of the trailer, where Ralph force feeds an adorable cartoon bunny flapjack stacks until it explodes. You can clearly see the look of dread in the bunny’s adorable beady black eyes when it sees an entire cart of pancakes being rolled in. Ralph and that little girl he hangs out with delightedly cram stack after stack of pancakes into the bunny’s mouth like it’s a blackout drunk college student at an IHOP at 2 in the morning. Finally, Ralph’s friend notices that the bunny is starting to get very overweight from all of the pancakes and appeals to Ralph. But Ralph’s first name isn’t Wreck-It for no reason, no—he was a villain in the last movie. His thirst for blood has gone unsated for too long, and he wants to wreck that bunny. Casually, cheerfully, a crazy look in his eyes, he slides another stack towards the bunny while reminding it of the rules of the game to which it is bound. Knowing that resistance is death, the now-obese bunny accepts the stack of pancakes into its mouth with a sickening squish. It vibrates briefly, and the very young child playing the game in the real world watches an adorable bunny rabbit pop like a balloon full of half-digested pancakes, spraying Bunny and Mrs. Butterworth’s all over the walls of the once-pristine kitchen. She’s traumatized forever and will probably end up founding some kind of psychotic antithesis to PETA.
Anyway, the movie looks okay. It probably won’t be as in on the joke as it thinks it is, but we’ll see.
Oh man this looks bad. Either nobody learned from the catastrophic 175 million dollar flop King Arthur: Legend of the Sword or somebody said “Hey, that Kingsman guy is pretty charming and the Robin Hood story is public domain, let’s make a movie!” Look, I like Taron Egerton as much as the next guy, but you’re not going to make money on a $100 million movie based on fucking Robin Hood. Nobody gives a shit. Yeah, it might do well on Redbox when the time comes, but people aren’t going to set aside time on Thanksgiving weekend to go see this. I’m also not really sure what it does to differentiate itself as a must-see update, besides Hood being a bit smarmier and Jamie Foxx playing a supporting role. At least King Arthur had its wacky moments and distinct Guy Richie flavor. Even if that movie was garbage, it was fun garbage. This looks like nothing. They got the guy from fucking Kingsman and couldn’t even pull a Van Helsing by leaning into the nugget of ingenuity and making Hood some crazy homicidal medieval secret agent with gadgets. Can you imagine that shit? If you’re going to adapt a public domain story, you need to get wacky with it and keep the budget under $50 million.
Actually, I do have to admit that the fact that everyone is wearing a dope coat like medieval Equilibrium is the right kind of dumb, but I don’t imagine the rest of the movie lives up to that incongruous sense of style.