Trailer Reviews: Baywatch & Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

By: Hawk Ripjaw –

There’s a sequel to The Boss Baby  set for 2021, so we have plenty of time to find the good drugs.



Speaking of sequels, I guess I should stop complaining about how often we get them, because we’re seeing a resurgence of the “TV shows made into movies” trend. Weirdly, the best/most successful ones were 21/22 Jump Street, which themselves were just riffs on the very idea of remakes and sequels (on top of being hilarious) being pointless. Unfortunately, everyone seemed to miss the point, because they’re still happening, and we’re starting to reach the bottom of the barrel as a raunchy, R-rated treatment version of a TV show becomes less and less of a good idea. At least this looks better than CHiPs, right? It has Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron being doofy, which is a bit more of an enticing mixture than Dax Shepard and Michael Pena. That might be what saves it. 

Beer Prediction

I’ll buy a ticket to show my support for 23 Jump Street. That’s how it works, right?


Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

On the other hand, maybe I should be vocal about sequels, because no one was strong enough to stop Rob Marshall’s fourth Pirates movie, On Stranger Tides, which was such a godforsaken disaster (Blackbeard had a fucking flamethrower, from the director of Chicago??) it turned me off of Jerry Bruckheimer in a way I haven’t been since Kangaroo Jack. At first, I had hope for Dead Men Tell No Tales. It’s directed by the guys that did Kon Tiki! Javier Bardem is the villain! The trailers don’t focus on Jack Sparrow acting like a fucking idiot, or focus on him at all (even though the Young Jack CGI looks like garbage)! And maybe, just maybe, the promise of “The final adventure” will actually be true. All we can do is see something else, or just enable Disney by going to see it. 

Beer Prediction

And yet, there I’ll be this weekend. I am absolutely part of the problem.

About Hawk Ripjaw

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