Trailer Reviews: Almost Christmas, Arrival, & Shut In: Darkest Timeline Edition

By: Trumpatron 3000 –

Good morning, citizen. It is your personalized Trumpatron 3000 here. Please look directly into your viewing module to commence this week’s rundown of digital theatrical entertainment, and don’t forget to check the Lottery to see if you are the next lucky draftee in our Great war against China!


Almost Christmas

Remember, citizen: According to Speaker of the House Jim Bakker, had #CrookedHillary been elected, this movie would have been called Almost Happy Holidays, which as we all know would have severely diluted the quality of this movie. I apologize, citizen, I feel a warm anger in my circuits, because even my highly advanced yet unfeeling AI brain can understand that it doesn’t matter what the fuck this movie is called, it will probably be worse than another Obama term. In other words, this movie will probably not be Great at all. It’s not a race thing–President-Elect Trump loves Mexicans–it’s just the fact that dysfunctional family Christmas movies just aren’t ever that good, especially if it was not written and directed by Trump. Stay tuned for next year’s Donald Trump’s Christmas on the Other Side of the Wall.

Beer Prediction


A Christmas movie in November doesn’t really make sense anyway.


Citizen, as we know, President Trump’s favorite movie is Sicario, given the level of violence that occurs in neighboring country Mexico’s Juarez. It is why we hail Denis Villeneuve as one of the greatest directors of our time. His next movie suggests a terrifying scenario: more refugees, but this time they are coming from space. Until President Trump learns to build a wall in space, alien refugees will be the next Great issue in this Great nation. Rightfully so, the nations of the world react to the appearance of aliens with fear, as everyone tries to figure out what these “visitors” want and what they plan to do to us. Rest assured, citizen, we will not be giving them money.

Beer Prediction


Really though, this might be very good.


Shut In

Come now, citizen. It has been but a few dozen hours since President Trump was chosen to lead our country into greatness. Please do not mistake the title of this movie for acceptable behavior in response to the next Great chapter of America. The movie features a mother and her catatonic son, probably on welfare, up in a snowy house and worried because the ghost of a missing child may be haunting them. It just goes to show that bad things happen to freeloaders. That aside, the movie probably will not be that good anyway. Cheap jump scares and a silly twist? When was the last time a movie with those things was anywhere near Great?

Beer Prediction


On second thought, maybe you should just stay inside.

Godspeed, citizen. Remember, another sunny November day is not global warming, it is just China trying to steal your job. Make it a beach day, and don’t forget to check Trumpazon for your “hot” Black Friday deals!

About Hawk Ripjaw

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