By: Movie Snurb –
The years is 2005 and I’m in a field filled with parked cars. I’m two Natty Lights in and about to start drinking some Mad Dog 20/20. It’s glowing green like the plutonium rods in The Simpsons and once it hit my lips it tastes like plutonium. Ah High School, a time for getting drunk for the first time, experiencing a party, and going through every awkward moment in your life that you’ll relive as you lay in bed. Since it is August it’s time for back to school, so here is my six pack of high school movies, and the cheap beer we all drank in high school to go along with them.
The first time your parents go away for the weekend and leave you all alone, you feel free and a sense of responsibility. Everyone imagines they’d throw a giant party but most of us just watch TV really loud or dance in our underwear. However, in the movies this means you have a weekend of debauchery and then rush to clean everything up. Possibly Tom Cruise’s breakout role is as a kid who gets to have a few days by himself. So what do his friends do? Order him a prostitute to help him lose his virginity. Of course things go south and hilarity ensues. Just for future reference if you get to have your parents’ house all to yourself, don’t tell your friends unless you trust them. Just dance in your underwear to Bob Seger.
Jack Daniels – Black Jack Cola
When you’re 18-19 and you want to seem adult but you can’t handle the taste of straight whiskey yet, try these. It says Jack Daniels on the label but it’s mixed heavily with Coke so it has a nice sweet taste. This way you don’t have to try and mix the whiskey and coke yourself and mix it too strong and make it undrinkable. If you want to feel real adult when your parents are gone, pour this drink into a whiskey glass so it seems like a real Jack and Coke.
If there was a Mt. Rushmore of teen movies this would be on it next to American Graffiti and the next entry on my Six Pack. It has everything a classic teen comedy requires. Sex, parties, drinking, and guys acting like morons. Sure, this franchise might be tainted with a few terrible spin-offs, but the four with the original cast are great and this started it all. I watched this one when I was 8 and up until high school I thought losing your virginity was going to be the only thing anyone in high school cared about. Sure, it had its people that only cared about that, but mostly it was normal people doing whatever. Thanks again movies for warping my life expectations.
Anheuser-Busch – Bud Light
Stifler is everyone who believes Bud Light is delicious. Someone who thinks the best time in life was in high school, and the highlight of their life is getting laid as often as possible. Of course, that’s not everyone that drinks Bud Light, but I’d bet Stifler’s favorite beer would be Bud Light.
Dazed & Confused
I saw this film at the perfect moment in my life. I was 17 in my senior year of high school. I immediately knew this was the coolest movie of all time and I needed to watch it 4 – 100 times a year. I wanted to grab my aviators and get a Pontiac GTO Judge and cruise around looking like the coolest guy around. That’s why this film has stood the test of time, it just makes you feel cool. Those were the best days in high school, the summers. Just cruising around with your friends, getting a buzz, playing pool, raising hell, and not having any other cares in the world. It’s a carefree time when nothing matters except having the best time you can. Just as long as you don’t start referring to your high school days as the best days of your life you’ll be good.
Pabst Brewing Co. – Lone Star Beer
For a great film in the great state of Texas the only beer to choose is Lone Star. For a cheap beer it’s actually pretty good; it’s an easy beer to sit all night and drink an entire 6 pack. The kind of beer you want on a warm summer night to relax with your friends all parked in a field wondering what your future holds in store.
The Breakfast Club
When was the first time you received detention? Sophomore year I told my parents my friend was driving me home and avoided getting scolded for acting like an idiot in my Spanish class. However, there weren’t 5 stereotypes that sat around talking about their issues until they realized they’re not that different. That’s why this film has had such staying power, it shows that all high schoolers are going through their own shit, just because they’re wearing a letter jacket or all black doesn’t mean they’re better or worse than anyone else. That and it’s one of the most quotable movies of all-time. It’s a lesson all kids need to learn so they don’t become judgmental dicks.
Smirnoff – Smirnoff Ice
“What’s you poison?” “What do you drink?” … “Vodka.” Need I say more for this choice? I’m choosing the original, but there are so many variations you can pick your own poison for this flick.
Max Fischer is probably one of the most relatable teen characters, between his infatuation with his teacher, overcompensating with creating clubs, or being embarrassed by his father and their lack of money. Everyone has dealt with at least one of these issues at some time in their teen years. It’s witty and quirky in that particularly Wes Anderson way, it has his signature style but feels less meticulous. Because this is only his second movie he didn’t have the budget of his later work. So a lot of this was filmed on location and because of this it has an honest feel. Which in turn makes this possibly his most relatable film to date. We are all Max Fischer, just looking for love, and trying to fit in and just belong.
Pabst Brewing Co. – Pabst Blue Ribbon
What can I say, it’s cheap, accessible, and hipsters love it. Hipsters love Wes Anderson as well. Can’t blame them- his movies are great, but Pabst is only meant to be drunk by minors and in an ironic way. So whether you’re in school or a hipster, drink up while you watch this Anderson classic.
Man, teen girls can be just about the meanest people on earth. The biggest reason I’m afraid to have a baby girl is how awful they’ll be when they’re a teenager. Don’t get me wrong, teen boys are terrible in their own right, but they more physically destroy everything. Teen girls will emotionally scar you. That’s what makes this movie so hilarious, it nails how girls are mean to each other. Boys will just throw fists, girls play the long game. The film’s accuracy is what makes it so funny and long lasting, that and it’s even more quotable than The Breakfast Club. This was an instant classic when it came out and will forever stay as one of the greatest teen comedies of all-time.
Labatt Breweries – Mike’s Hard Lemonade
We’ve all been there, never drank before, beer tastes disgusting, but you don’t want to look weak in front of everyone. So, you can’t drink Smirnoff, but Mike’s Hard Lemonade doesn’t seem lame, and it tastes way better than beer. Now you can drink this and skate by in high school without getting made fun of. But remember, if you watch this on a Wednesday you gotta drink the pink lemonade.