By: Henry J. Fromage and Movieboozer Staff & Contributors
2014 boasted plenty of amazing cinema… and just as many or more affronts to the very idea of film. Strap in and prepare yourself for our MovieBoozer Contributors’ Bottom 10 Lists of 2014… the very worst theaters had to offer:
1. 300: Rise of an Empire
2. The Amazing Spiderman 2
3. A Million Ways to Die in the West
4. Let’s Be Cops
6. Dumb and Dumber To
7. Horrible Bosses 2
10. Exodus: Gods and Kings
1. Saving Christmas: This is the only way I know how to punish Kirk Cameron.
2. Mom’s Night Out: Watched this On Demand, which is usually when I lower the bar, but 1000 bong hits couldn’t even help this film.
3. A Million Ways to Die in the West: The trailer itself is excruciating.
4. Winter’s Tale: Saw this on a plane and wanted to pull the emergency exit handle.
5. The Other Woman: What a successful female comedy should not look like.
6. And So It Goes: Can Diane Keaton stop doing her wining shtick, please?
7. Tammy: Too many pratfalls and absolutely no plot.
8. The Immigrant: I think Marion Cotillard is amazing. She did what she could do. But the film was bleak, boring, and gave a horrible message to women that when times are tough, just be a whore.
9. Left Behind: Okay, I admit I didn’t see this one. But it has a 2% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which makes it the worst rated film of 2014 and it looks like the what happens if you combine Flight and Face-Off and then take acid.
10. Dumb and Dumber 2: Proving again that sequels to silly movies are just a bad idea. Case in point: Anchor Man, Grown Ups, Horrible Bosses, and my crystal ball says Hot Tub Time Machine.
*I must note that I missed out on everything involving Michael Bay (Transformers: Age of Extinction, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), Kirk Cameron (Saving Christmas, Left Behind), and Tyler Perry (except his surprisingly brilliant turn in Gone Girl) as well as many other clunkers, though I’m sure at least a few of my fellow Movieboozer contributors will include some of those worthy cinematic turds on their lists. So here now are the ten worst movies that I saw in 2014:
10. Winter’s Tale: I wasn’t sure whether to include this one on my worst list or best list. It’s terrible, but it’s also a magically hilarious viewing experience. I highly recommend checking it out.
9. Blended: I tried watching this one on cable a couple weeks ago. I made it to the half hour mark and then watched The Wedding Singer instead.
8. A Million Ways to Die in the West: Just stop, Seth MacFarlane. Stop.
7. They Came Together: I don’t understand how this happened. I love David Wain, I love everyone involved in this movie, and I love this type of humor. But I didn’t love this. Not one bit. So disappointing.
6. The November Man: Though this was a pretty mediocre action/spy thriller, it wasn’t awful. The reason it makes my worst list is for one scene that completely killed the movie and made me hate it.
Speaking of movie-killing scenes…
5. American Sniper: All controversy surrounding this film aside, the ridiculous fake baby is inexcusable. How does something like this make it to the final cut?
4. The Interview: Like many others, I let the hype get to me and watched it out of sheer morbid curiosity. I don’t know why I was surprised that it was exactly what I expected it to be.
3. Dumb and Dumber To: This is the perfect example of why some things should just be left in the past.
2 The Identical: I’m still not entirely sure if this was an actual movie or a hallucination. It’s so bizarre that it’s almost worth a watch. Pair this one up with Winter’s Tale and a lot of alcohol if you’re feeling adventurous.
1. Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return: Hey, who’s up for a sequel to The Wizard of Oz featuring laughably shitty animation, forgettable songs, and a comatose Bernadette Peters?
10. The Amazing Spiderman 2: Despite, in my opinion, being more enjoyable than X Men: Days of Future Past, it was not better, and its bad spots have aged awfully.
9. Left Behind: By virtue of being Blue Velvet-y at times, this keeps some high points with me. But, a more subtle Nic Cage is NOT what I was wanting…
8. Into the Woods: Sure, Meryl Streep kills it here, but was that really a surprise? Not difficult to watch or listen to, but uneven as an early turd.
7. Tusk: Waaaay too indulgent to avoid this list. A real shame.
6. Pro Wrestlers Vs. Zombies: All concept, no skill. Another real shame.
5. The Purge: Anarchy: Grillo rules a script that is completely beneath him and any other actor.
4. RoboCop: We still live in a world ripe for satire. This movie fails to capture that in every way.
3. Alien Abduction: The twitter campaign had my interest, the movie had me laughing. Sorry guys.
2 Sin City: A Dame to Kill For: What has Frank Miller been drinking? And why? Does he need a counselor?
1. A Haunted House 2: An abomination to all that is good and decent in this life and the next. That’s not a statement I make lightly.
Dishonorable Mentions: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I Origins (sort of)
Honorable Mention: The Identical/Inherent Vice
9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
8. Winter’s Tale
7. The Amazing Spider-Man 2
5. The Expendables 3
4. Dumb and Dumber To
3. Sin City: A Dame To Kill For
2. A Million Ways to Die in the West
1. A Haunted House 2
1o. The Amazing Spider-Man 2: While a step up from its numbingly dull predecessor, we’re already seeing this series repeat the missteps of past installments, by filling every last second with either another useless subplot, or setting up for future installments whilst paying no heed to advancing the plot of this one in a coherent or satisfying manner. This reboot franchise should’ve never been made in the first place, and now Sony is receiving their due punishment for making such a transparently greedy and purely business oriented decision.
9. Unbroken: Furious Oscarbation. It hearkens back to a long extinct style of filmmaking – the overwrought, painted in broad strokes, melodramatic historical biopic featuring unhealthy amounts of 80’s-90’s cheese and dated methods of emotional manipulation. A breakout lead performance by Jack O’Connell and some slick cinematography are wasted on this failed attempt at eliciting as much awards attention as possible.
8. The Gambler: A lifeless, by the numbers gambling drama that tries so very hard to make the viewer simultaneously impressed by and in disapproving shock of Marky Mark’s self-destructive habits, but never injects enough style or emotional pathos to make anything that happens worth caring about. Not even a lively supporting cast consisting of John Goodman, Michael K. Williams, and Brie Larson could save this one from the depths of generic purgatory.
7. Divergent: Just might be the most mediocre film ever seen by this reviewer. It slavishly adheres to the dystopian young adult romance formula without adding an ounce of personality or creativity into the mix. It’s not even bad enough to enjoy mocking; just a plodding, joyless dud from start to finish.
6. The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies: Here’s a film that single-handedly embodies a majority of the current trends that are most wrong with big budget Hollywood blockbusters at this time – over reliance on terrible looking CGI, emphasis on action and spectacle over proper character development, part of the terrible ‘making multiple films out of a single novel’ trend. But hey, at least it’s not a part of some goofy expanded comic book universe, so there’s that.
5.-1. America: Imagine a World Without Her/God’s Not Dead/Left Behind/Persecuted/Saving Christmas: Just like every other year, we unfortunately weren’t spared from a parade of obvious right-wing conservative Christian circlejerking, shamelessly pandering to the Obama-era moral outrage crowd. Talk about literally preaching to the choir, although some of these were at least entertaining to tear apart, just as long as you could avoid getting a migraine from all the empty politicking and obvious agenda pushing.
10. Tammy: Melissa McCarthy is my spirit animal, but damn this movie was everything unfunny rolled into a Hot Pocket of suck.
9. Interstellar: Like a salmon swimming upstream in a sea of crap, I’m going against the tide and saying this pretentious shitshow was chock-full of plot holes and smug, pseudo-intellectual hipster cannon fodder.
8. A Good Day To Die Hard: If only Jai Courtney had taken this movie title’s advice beforehand, the franchise might not have jumped the shark so hard it left you concussed and staggering out of the theater into the arms of the nearest therapist.
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: NO, MEGAN FOX, NO. *smacks nose with rolled up newspaper* And that’s just the tip of the fecal iceberg with this ragingly incompetent re-do.
6. Transformers: Age Of Extinction: NO, MICHAEL BAY, NO. *rubs nose in movie* This waste of long-term memory is two hours of watching Bay deep-throat capitalist consumerism (comment sponsored by Bud Light Platinum and AMMURICA).
5. Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas: … And dropping a Cleveland Steamer all over the chest of cinema worldwide. Looks like those Growing Pains matured into a fully-formed self-righteous douchebee.
4. Noah: There was NO-AH way I finished this biblical bullshit. Seriously. That pun was less painful that sitting through Russell Crowe’s constipation face. I don’t know how this ends because I quit after they hit a beach or some shit.
3. Olympus Has Fallen: *The Joker watches Olympus Has Fallen and whispers ‘Why so serious?’ before slowly roller-skating out of frame* I’m all for AMERICA (I watch Air Force One and Independence Day on a loop every Fourth of July) but goddamn if this movie doesn’t shove exaggerated patriotism and over-acting down your throat like it’s going out of style.
2. I, Frankenstein: Imagine a classic and beloved puppy. This puppy is baller and has mad swagger. Now take this puppy and shake it until it staggers around a Forever 21 wrapped in blurry CGI and vomiting stilted dialogue. Time to get Old Yeller on it’s ass.
1. The Legend Of Hercules: The only “legendary” thing about this movie was how it slam-dunked my last remaining brain cell, leaving me clinically as dumb as a rock. I’ve hired a team of genetically modified ferrets to ghostwrite for me as we speak.
No particular order:
3 Days to Kill: An impossibly bad action film. The fact that this actually made it all the way from conception, to script, to screen is utterly mind-numbing.
10. Robocop: “Hey, let’s take a campy satirical classic and remake into a gritty, generic half-assed commentary on the military or something!”
9. Lucy: How do you fuck such a sweet concept so badly? Intermittently clever visual ideas are drowned in a sea of idiotic pseudo-philosophical bullshit.
8. TMNT: Shame on me for having faith in Liebesman to make a fun, silly movie. TMNT is just a shitty, irritating movie with idiotic humor and stupid action sequences.
7. I Frankenstein: The Original Felix Ripjaw Double Review, I, Frankenstein is pretty much everything you would expect from a movie about Frankenstein’s Monster (named Adam) surviving to the present day and contested by gargoyles and demons, based on a graphic novel from one of the supporting actors from Underworld. A hilariously stupid gem.
6. The Best of Me: It’s pretty much the ultimate Nicholas Sparks movies. This is a story from an author usually appearing to run on autopilot, actually probably literally running on actual autopilot. Watching it is like slowly dying. In a Nicholas Sparks novel.
5. Transformers Age of Extinction: Three. That’s how many times I had to go to the bathroom during this outrageously long shitfest. There’s no excuse for a movie about battling robots and explosions boring me so badly that all I can think about is my bladder.
4. The Identical: What if Walk Hard was a drama? And it was filled with really shitty acting and directing? And was actually unintentionally funnier than Walk Hard (which itself was great)? And starred an Elvis impersonator as a regular jackoff and famous singer named Drexel Hemsley?
3. Legend of Hercules: Not to be confused with The Rock’s moderately entertaining adventure, this Renny Harlin shitfest is an almost impressively bad, headache-inducing film that exhibits such a low quality of production at literally every level it’s literally baffling how it even got made.
2. Left Behind: Not quite this silly Nic Cage campfest we were all hoping for, which is probably the most disappointing thing about it. I wanted it to suck hilariously, rather than suck normally. It was still incredibly shitty.
1. Winter’s Tale: This could have just as easily been on my Top 10 list of the year. This is a hysterically shitty movie filled with unintentional comedy. You’ll be moved to tears, but only because you’re laughing too hard.
In no particular order:
No Good Deed: This was worth a watch, too. My wife really liked it. The only way I could get through it was by rooting for the bad guy. He was a good bad guy.
Neighbors: It was funny, don’t get me wrong. I just wish they toned it back a notch. Hard to explain. What could’ve been nice, light, and really funny walked the line of psychotic frustration. Come on. Way to drop the ball, dinks. James Franco’s brother is awesome, though.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Scary faces on a kids movie? Thanks for the nightmares bozos… thanks for not letting me share this with my kids by getting creative.
Sex Tape: Ugh. Wanted to like it, but caught myself forcing laughs, then hated myself for doing that.
Transformers 19?: Same story, just Mark Walberged.
22 Jump Street: Already saw this when it was called 21 except 21 was SOLID. Not even in the same league as the first. Hate relationship drama in a comedy.
Anchorman 2: I’ll probably give this one another run, I’m betting this (like the 1st) just needs to grow on you and then it becomes funny with age like a rash in the shape of Louis Armstrong’s face. Right now it’s just too soon. (I literally fell asleep in the theater on this one).
The Hero of COLOR CITY: Don’t even ask. Just hate it with me.
Muppets Most Wanted: My fault. Expectations were too high. One before was awesome. Couldn’t get through this one.
Gone Girl: Most overrated, frustrating piece of trash. Literally a Lifetime movie that pretends not to be by tossin’ some donger in there.
A Million Ways to Die in the West: Seth MacFarlane is not Mel Brooks in this laugh-free comedy.
3 Days to Kill: Luc Besson. Don’t work with McG ever again. Ever.
10. Horrible Bosses 2: Why would you hire Sean Anders as writer/director? Premise ignored for lazy, unfunny kidnapping yarn.
9. Ouija: Horror substituted for boredom and terrifyingly bad acting. 83 min felt like 3 hrs.
8. Divergent: Shailene Woodley trapped in a barrage of wooden acting in this poor Hunger Games ripoff.
7. Robocop: Turned a politically satirical, no holds barred action classic into a BLAND, politically correct video game-heavy action film. Joel Kinnaman is no Peter Weller.
6. No Good Deed: Nothing is good about this deed of idiotic behavior from producer Will Packer. He’s becoming a one-trick pony.
5. Ride Along: Ice Cube/Kevin Hart snarl and yell their way through an cartoonish action comedy. Blatantly ripping off better action films like The Hard Way and Bad Boys.
4. The Purge: Anarchy: Good news! They actually exercised the premise. Bad News: it was unwatchably cornball with unlikable characters and a howler of an ending.
3. Blended: Adam Sandler can’t screw it up with Drew Barrymore, right? Wrong. I would like to unsubscribe from the Sandler Travel Agency newsletter now.
2. Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones: This “franchise” has hit rock bottom with this boring, laughable spinoff where acting is nonexistent.
1. Addicted: Didn’t even merit a “So Bad, it’s Good” recommendation. This “erotic” thriller wanted me to root for a woman who had the perfect life that ransacked it for an affair. By the way, you may not want to trust a psychiatrist who tells you to do this! Utterly horrible.
2014 was one of the first years in awhile in which I skipped catching up on the worst of the worst films. That being said, there were still quite a few stinkers that left me wanting more.
10. When the Game Stands Tall: My pick for the best so bad it’s good movie of 2014, When the Game Stands Tall attempts at inspiring audiences fall short in another cliche-ridden sports film. What made this film stand out, however, were some laughably misguided moments that actually gave the film some entertainment value.
9. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies: This may come as a surprise to some, and as a big fan of the Lord of the Rings series it’s even a shock for me. Peter Jackson has just sold out at this point, with the last entry in the uneventful Hobbit series being a mindless series of action setpieces lacking in any soul.
8. Ride Along: I like Kevin Hart a lot- he is a funny and likable guy when put in the right role. Ride Along, however, is a lazy buddy-cop film that lacks any sort of significant laughs or entertaining moments. Hart continues to give it his all, but just seems to be having trouble picking the right roles for his talent.
7. Ouija: Another year, another terrible horror film. The latest excuse for a PG-13 horror film is another example of a film pandering towards its teenager audience, providing them with a few jump scares but very little as far as good characters and story goes. The mainstream horror film is just not scary anymore, and this is the most apparent evidence of that.
6. Tammy: Similar to Kevin Hart, Melissa McCarthy has shown great potential as a comedic actress previously. Her latest starring vehicle Tammy, however, is a waste of her talent, as it’s a ponderous film that often lacks in any substantial laughs or heartfelt moments. This is even more surprising considering that McCarthy’s husband Ben Falcone wrote and directed the film.
5. Into the Storm: Disaster films can often be some of the best popcorn films during the summer movie season, but Into the Storm is just inept. The script is lazily written, featuring some of the year’s most forgettable characters and just nonsensical dialogue. The action looks good, but it’s just visuals when there is nothing to truly be attached to.
4. Sabotage: The latest Arnold Schwarzenegger action flick actually starts out quite strong, with an exciting action-packed opening followed up by some classic Arnold one-liners. After that, however, the film dissipates into a boring and just straight up ugly film, that features the least surprising twists and turns in quite some time. Please just stop starring in this kind of crap, Arnold.
3. Are You Here: Despite featuring a respectable cast and being the directorial debut of Mad Men‘s Matthew Weiner, Are You Here is one of the most shockingly abysmal indie comedies in quite some time. Tonally the film is all over the place, and there is not a single laugh in the film itself. Worst of all, the moments that are trying to be emotionally genuine just feel so disconnected with reality.
2. Walk of Shame: Poor Elizabeth Banks, who really does a true walk of shame with this comedy dud. The premise has promise and the cast features quite a few underrated comedic talents, but the film itself is just incredibly mean-spirited and flat out misogynistic. For writer and director Steven Brill this is just another appalling comedy in a long resume of stinkers.
1. Need for Speed: Another promising video game adaptation that just falls flat on its face. Need for Speed wastes a promising idea with a flat storyline, dull characters, and an unnecessarily bloated two hour plus running time. The film tries so hard to be the bargain bin version of Fast and Furious, but instead it’s a putrid mess that depicts characters causing havoc to innocent people on the streets as entertaining.
I’ve seen so so many films this year. 102 to be exact in 2014, and I’ve had to sit through some tough ones. Some real garbage, one might say, but then again for the most part I pick and choose what two films I’m gonna watch per week. So if I have the choice to see The Imitation Game over Kirk Cameron Saves Christmas, I’m gonna watch me some sweet, sweet Cumberbatch. Therefore, I have missed some of the worst of the worst, but out of the films I have seen this last year, these are my top 10 worst films of 2014.
10. Sex Tape
Sex Tape follows the same humorless fate as Bad Teacher, except Diaz doesn’t get the same props as before. Also, Jack Black gives the worst cameo of 2014.
The all star cast is wasted on characters who are criminally underdeveloped and therefore frustratingly ineffective by a director who can’t figure out if his film should be a rousing throwback film to yesteryear or a heartbreaking look at the horrific consequences of the Holocaust.
Snooze-inducing to the point that I’m beginning to believe that famed indie director Robert Rodriguez is one of our more over-hyped directors working today.
Explosions, explosions, slo-mo explosions, followed by a smidge of exposition, followed by explosions, explosion, and then slo-mo explosions with a wisecrack or two. If this is your bag than Michael Bay will never face extinction.
The Dowdle Brothers, John and Drew, waste their decent horror premise by taking camera lessons from a broken washing machine…
5. The Nut Job
The Nut Job is dreary, dull, and dumb – it sets all the forward progress of recent top-notch animated fare back five years.
Winner for the most instantly forgettable film of 2014 is Transcendence. No one picks up an easy paycheck quite like Johnny Depp these days. Hated it.
Who wants to watch a film that takes an hour and a half for the male leads to learn to not rotate women like a shirt on their closet rack and then somehow still be rewarded with a relationship in the closing minutes? Not me.
You don’t get to the Oscar hopefuls in December without first making the walk of shames through January. I embrace this time and droll films like The Legend of Hercules are a right of passage.
Deliver Us from Evil delivers some pretty spectacularly bad screenwriting that makes for more than a few moments of unintentional laughter. Worse off, this is another film that way overstays its welcome with its obese running time, so much so that you might need a Priest to exorcise you from the demon of boredom. Deliver Us from Evil is the worst film of 2014.
I guess it says something about 2014 when I can only come up with six films.
The Grand Budapest Hotel: Wes Anderson, suck it.
Under the Skin: What the hell was this movie? Seriously? Following Scarlett Johannsson playing a black widow of sorts with no explanation for anything at all. Too meta and lazy for my taste.
That Awkward Moment: That awkward moment when you’re dying to see That Awkward Moment only to have the best moment of the film happen 5 minutes into the closing credits when a cast member of The Wire appears.
Sex Tape: Jason Segel is perhaps the unfunniest I’ve ever seen him in this over indulgent iPad advertisement. Rob Lowe’s guest appearance is the best scene and even that is only a giggle’s worth.
Bears: John C. Reilly narrating the life of a family of bears in a nationally protected habitat. It’s as corny as it sounds.
First off, I want to give Johnny Depp’s Transcendence an dishonorable mention, for making a promising premise for speculative sci-fi into something so goddamned boring I fell asleep in the theater. Which hasn’t happened to me since The Hunted (Sorry Benicio).
10. Left Behind: this remake of the straight to VHS Kirk Cameron original manages to actually be a worse film… Nicholas Cage’s IRS bill HAS to be paid off by now… right?
9. Sin City A Dame to Kill For: Robert Rodriguez had 9 years to come up with this sequel, and yet it feels woefully cheap and unpolished. This is the Conan the Destroyer of Neo-Noir
8. Dumb and Dumber To: The first Dumb and Dumber film proved that sharp and witty writing can transform a stupid comedy into something great. This sequel proves only that the Farrelly Brothers forgot the lessons of the first film.
7. Neighbors: Seth Rogen’s “Nerdy but cool stoner” routine is getting old, and the expiration date on “Crazy Fratboy” antics was over 20 years ago.
6. The Identical: Telling the story of a fictionalized Elvis-like singer, and his long-lost identical twin brother, whose Christian beliefs save him from a fate reserved for all godless celebrity heathens: dying violently in a plane crash… (what?)
5. Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who is John Galt?: The free market’s decision-making power is paramount to the contemporary conservative advocates of Ayn Rand’s philosophy. With Atlas Shrugged part I, the market spoke (and called it a piece of shit). With Atlas Shrugged Part II the market spoke once again (and called it an even bigger piece of shit). I think it was safe to say from an Objectivist perspective that Atlas Shrugged Part III was doomed from the start. Perhaps next they’ll remake The Fountainhead with a cast of high school theater students?
4. Winter’s Tale: Marshmallowy symbolism, ridiculous dialogue, spectacularly bad directorial decisions, and a cast of actors who really should have known better. Easily the most entertainingly bad film on my list.
3. God’s Not Dead: By reducing anyone who disagrees with their viewpoint to base-level stereotypes, this film is little more than the visual representation of an arrogant superiority complex.
2. A Million Ways to Die in the West: feels like a comedy Western made by someone who has never seen a Western. Seth MacFarlane woefully miscasts himself as Director/Writer/Lead actor in the most criminally unfunny movie of 2014.
1. America: Imagine the World without Her (Also known as “America: The Movie”): Drunk History is a bulwark of historical accuracy and good intentions compared to this Right Wing propaganda piece. Director Dinesh D’Souza’s recent felony conviction for illegal campaign contributions should be enough to convince you of his motives. Avoid this like the clap. Hell, avoid this harder than the clap, because at least getting the clap means you got something out of the deal.
Henry J. Fromage
2015 was a hell of a year for good film, but it also was a hell of a year for bad film, if that’s your bag. Some of the best times I’ve had watching movies this year were some of these, and, obviously, some of the worst. Let’s get to it:
Dom Hemingway, The Monuments Men, Blood Ties, The Salvation, Sabotage, Nymphomaniac: Vol 2, The Theory of Everything, Exodus: Gods and Kings, Mood Indigo, The Young and Prodigious T.S. Spivet, The Identical, Left Behind
10. Fateful Findings: A lot of folks had Winter’s Tale in this, “I can’t decide if it’s bad or good, because fuck yeah it was enjoyable”, # 10 slot. Fateful Findings, however, is in the same sublime, rarefied air as The Room, but perhaps even less self-aware. I have a new must-watch filmmaker in Neil Breen, and I’m not ashamed to say I’m more excited for his next film than the new Star Wars.
9. Winter’s Tale: I can’t decide if it’s bad or good, because fuck yeah it was enjoyable. This almost makes me hope Akiva Goldsman finally does get his Dark Tower trilogy/mini-series adaptation off the ground. Just imagine the clusterfucking possibilities!
8. The Devil’s Violinist: Renowned violinist David Garrett’s vanity project shows how far Bernard Rose’s career has fallen, but becomes a lot more tolerable when you realize Garrett acts and looks like Tommy Wiseau’s mental image of himself.
7. America: Imagine the World Without Her: That this was one of the highest grossing documentaries of the year shows the massive cognitive dissonance today’s political discourse suffers from. That it’s racist, propagandistic, and transparently self-serving is just feces icing on the feces cake.
6. The Pirates: I’ve been loving South Korea’s spectacular action cinema over the past several years, and if you’re a true action fan, you’re doing yourself a disservice by not keeping up with it. The Pirates, however, proves that you don’t need to be Hollywood to make a bone-deep stupid, incoherent, eye-brutalizing CGI borefest.
5. The Protector 2: Tony Jaa at one point looked like the heir apparent to the Bruce Lees and Jackie Chans of the world. With this film, full of clearly faked stunts, sub-amateur CGI, and a clearly disinterested lead performance, it looks like that dream is dead.
4. Space Station 76: One of the most baffling films of the year. I saw one review describe it as “Ron Burgundy in space”, but what I saw was one the most miserable anti-comedies imaginable. This is the type of film where a little girl accidentally killing her puppy is played both for pathos and… was that fucking supposed to be comedy?
3. Swearnet: I once made the mistake of introducing a bunch of friends to the genius of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia by showing them their uncensored Christmas special. Big mistake. Some comedians work better under restrictions- it forces them to be clever and push their boundaries. When they don’t have those boundaries, they just get lazy and nasty. Well, add the Trailer Park Boys to that list, because this fresh project from them is a multi-hour assault on the senses, like if Tom Green remade Freddie Got Fingered after undergoing a lobotomy.
2. Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever: I knew this was a bad idea going in, but nothing prepared me for the utter soullessness and vapidity of this transparent cash grab. That the folks behind it are completely aware of the fact doesn’t make it any better. Instead of lampooning themselves, it comes off as them rubbing our noses in how few fucks they give about anything related to this project. Poor Tardar Sauce.
1. Friended to Death: The fight for number one was a competitive one, but I can’t think of a less enjoyable time in front of the TV this year than this 94 minute frantic, laugh-free ode to desperation. I’m pretty sure it took at least three hours to watch, but that might have been because my wife started to actively revolt after 40 minutes or so. Damn my professionalism, because I whole-heartedly agreed.