This week it’s drama in the Bahamas as Becca Kufrin narrows down the pack from six to four gentlemen. (Well, five gentlemen and Garrett.) Who will survive the fun in the sun and move on to the coveted Hometown dates? Who will get left behind to join the Baha Men? How will Leo’s hair hold up in the humidity? Your burning questions are answered right here, right now. Suit up; it’s time for the recap of Episode 7!
Chris Harrison greets Becca at the luxurious Baha Mar Resort to talk about all things love. But first he has to make a big deal out of the fact that it’s Becca’s first visit to Nassau. Listen bromeo, not everyone has a job that allows them to jet to exotic locales to perform five minutes of work, so back off my gal. Mmmkay?
Chris asks, “Are you falling in love?” Becca giddily replies, “Yes. It’s butterflies,” though she does acknowledge that she’s going to have to break some hearts before she gets to the end. Speaking of endings, Harrison asks Kufrin what she wants at the conclusion of her season. Becca lets him know this shizz had better wrap with a man down on one knee. No ifs, ands, buts, or, “Hey, I’d like to bang you for a few weeks before heading over to my runner up.” Got it.
Meanwhile, the guys are getting settled in their suite. Hometowns are definitely on everyone’s minds, despite the stunning location. Colton says, “I don’t know about you, but meeting my family is a big deal.” Really? How original! I would’ve assumed it was super casual, but now I see there might be a gravitas to the impending situation.
Becca enters and lets her suitors know some big news: there will be no Rose Ceremony this week. Instead we will see four dates – three 1:1 and one group expedition. And the dates start… now!
It’s Colton who’s chosen for the first 1:1, to the surprise of everyone, including Colton. They take off while the remaining men gossip about Colton’s (alleged) virginity. The guys muse, “Will this be the date where he finally tells Becca his secret?” Well, since everyone is talking about it openly my guess is yes.
And chat they do! But not before diving for conch. That’s right. They set sail on a catamaran, do the requisite Titanic pose, before being boarded by a man named “Action,” who takes them diving for conch (pronounced “conk,” which conveniently sounds like “cock.”). This means a solid 10 minutes of puns and sexual innuendos. Like I have nothing better to do with my Monday night! (Spoiler alert: I don’t.) Action tells Colton that conch is an aphrodisiac, and after ingesting the pistol he’ll be able to “please her, not tease her.” Oh, you don’t know the half of it, Action! (Or maybe you do, since this is an obvious setup for their dinner date conversation.)
There are takeaway interviews with Becca and Colton, respectively. Becca gushes about what a hunk her date is, and how much chemistry they have. Colton stiffly (stiffly – ha ha!) reiterates that they have chemistry, while sounding about as excited as one would be reciting a grocery list. Methinks he’s secretly got Tia on the brain…
The nighttime portion arrives, with more conch conversation before their talk turns serious. It is time for Colton to reveal that – gasp – he is indeed a virgin. It turns out he focused exclusively on “Football Colton” and forgot to pay attention to “Personal Colton,” which is what led to his no-sex state. I will say one thing – Colton needs to learn how to multitask! I’m pretty sure there are numerous NFL players who would tell you football and fucking can coexist.
Becca looks shook, but he quickly assures her he’s not waiting for marriage; he’s just “waiting for the right heart.” Alrighty, then. Becca is apparently reassured. She gives Colton the date rose and says, “I want to meet the people who made Colton Underwood.” That certainly is a, um, unique way to put wanting to meet a potential mate’s parents. Colton may be a virgin, but Becca’s got boning on the brain!
While all of this has (not) been going down, the remaining guys have been theorizing about who will get to meet the parents, while Blake has a mini-breakdown. This is the first time he’s shown some emotional weakness and lets it be known he wants a solo date with his (shared) girlfriend; preferably posthaste. Sadly, Blake must wait. A date card arrives, declaring, “Love is in the air,” and it goes to… Garrett. (Ick, blech, yuck.)
Becca is waiting for him on a gorgeous beach. They run towards one another as she flings her legs around his torso. (I didn’t do this when I was at my “fighting weight,” and now middle-age has most likely robbed me from experiencing this rom com trope. Alas! I shall just have to take solace in the fact that I can see this cheesy love act performed on every single season, over multiple episodes, of The Bachelor franchise in perpetuity.)
Becca goes on, and on, and on about how wonderful Garrett is. What a sexy, playful side Garrett has. How much fun Garrett is to be with, and how deeply physically connected they already have become. We get it. You like Garrett. Personally I have seen absolutely none of these attributes on display from Becca’s main squeeze. I maintain that he seems like an imbecile who can barely get out a coherent thought. Over at my favorite celebrity news site, Lainey Gossip, we play a fun game called, “Picture Him on Top of You.” Does the hottest top actor do it for you? Play the game to find out who rings your bell! I mention this because I think of “Picture Him” when it comes to Garrett and… I just can’t. I’d rather close up shop permanently than have that man writhing around anywhere near my body. I could own all of the KY jelly in the world, and it still wouldn’t be enough lube to make this happen. Too far? Well, thanks to the latest SCOTUS pick (the announcement which interrupted the East Coast viewing of The Bachelorette), women could soon be playing a fun new/old game called, “Is He Worth Dying In a Back Alley After A Botched Abortion” if Brett Kavanaugh takes the bench. Get your protesting boots on if you like any form of freedom – we’re about to take the ride of a lifetime, and not in a good way. This has been this week’s episode of My Tiny Soapbox! ™
Garrett delivers a prepared speech, saying, “I’m not perfect. The world is not perfect. But I think we’re perfect together.” Barf. It works on Becca though; she literally swoons. But she’s not just here to get hot and bothered. She wants to know if all of their puzzle pieces fit, not just the anatomical ones. She asks about his ex-wife. Garrett says he was young and just wanted to start a family, but unfortunately his bride was hot-headed and that “she screamed and yelled all the time.” One has to wonder what her side of the story is, but so far it’s been radio silence on the social media front from the former Mrs. Yrigoyen. (Though you can check out their wedding video right here, if you’re so inclined!) I can’t blame her – I would no longer want to be associated with him if I could help it!
After ascertaining that they have more in common than lip locks, Becca hands him the date rose. They celebrate by shedding their clothes and taking a dip in the ocean. (I see shades of Ben and Courtney – though Becca doesn’t seem like a “just the tip” kind of gal!)
Meanwhile yet another date card has been delivered to the suite and this time it is for Blake. It reads, “You make my heart skip a beat.” (That means Jason, Wills, and Leo will be going out on the 3:1.) Blake is in no small way relieved. He claims, “The date card brought me back to life.” (They show him rolling a suitcase to the front door in case he gets eliminated, but there’s no way that thing is packed. It looks as deflated as Beyoncé’s alleged faux baby bump. Sorry, B.)
Becca didn’t save the run and fling for Garrett. Nope, Blake is also the recipient of the coveted run/fling/wrap legs around torso greeting. No time to fixate on that. Not when strains of “Who Let The Dogs Out” is being played on a nearby beach. That’s right – the show’s talent booker called in a favor from the year 2000 and nabbed the Baha Men. (Damn, is Becca’s season budget or what?) Blake busts out some dance moves, hoping his fancy footwork will snare his mate. It works. Becca says she feels like she’s “glowing from the inside out.” A fine day on the beach is had by all, as the daiquiris flow…
The evening portion of their get-together continues swimmingly as they rave about each other, to each other. Blake decides it’s time to up the ante with the personal information. He says that his parents are divorced. Okay, that’s not too personal. But, wait – there’s more! Blake reveals that his mother left his father… for Blake’s English teacher/basketball coach. Well, damn – that is a twist I did not see coming! The experience made him value honesty and family over everything. He wants nothing more than to have both at the forefront of his life. He then tells Becca he loves her and secures the date rose. (But did he get an A+ on his English midterms?)
Now it’s time for the 3:1 – aka the “Oh, shit” date where one will remain and two must go. Who is going to make it to the final four? Let’s watch them play beach volleyball and find out…
There’s not much to this event, date-wise. They play a half-hearted game before taking turns to talk to Becca. (Unlike more contentious 3:1 dates in the past, this one is full of goodwill between the competitors and it is refreshing.)
Wills is up first. We learn his parents have been together for 50 years (that’s how it’s done, Blake’s mom!) and he misses them. God damn, he’s sweet. Becca is drawn to his confidence and ability to pull off multiple floral outfits. They kiss.
Jason is earnest. He says it’s not easy to be in this position, but that must mean it’s working because he cares deeply about Becca. Becca appreciates his upbeat attitude. They also kiss. The humidity has loosened the death grip Jason’s hair gel normally has on his coif and it is so much better. Why can’t it always be like this?
Last up is Leo, who has blossomed in the last few episodes. (The salty sea air works well with his luscious locks, btw.) He’s obviously a truly sweet man. He says, “They can offer her a nice house. They can offer her an easy lifestyle. I can offer her love.” Color me sold! While Becca appreciates his genuine nature, unfortunately it is clear they’re not on the path to an everlasting connection. She says, “I think we both recognize we’re not as far along. It’s only fair to you not to meet your family.”
Becca, Wills, and Jason speed away by boat, leaving Leo on a deserted beach. And with that we bid goodbye to the stuntman with the heart of gold. Until Paradise, that is! (By the way, I’m still feeling ripped off that we didn’t get an exit interview from Leo. He deserved his say.)
And then there were two. Now it’s time for the evening part of this dwindling 3:1. Jason and Becca talk first, with Jason reiterating the bond they have. They both agree they have a physical, mental, and emotional connection. But it’s not enough for Becca. She’s worried he’s holding back, and she perceives risk because he’s not being vocal enough about his feelings…
Wills is taking no such chance. When they talk, he’s sure to let Becca know that he is totally falling in love with her. He puts it all out there, on no uncertain terms, even though he’s full of nerves. He says she brings out the best in him, making him feel like being a really great man. She loves it, saying that he makes her feel calm. They kiss and giggle. It is adorable.
And, yet… it is Jason that gets the group date rose, leaving Wills, myself, and most of Twitter totally and utterly confused. I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll be saying it again – Becca has some seriously weird taste.
Becca escorts Wills to the Depression Mobile, where he’s so overcome with emotion that he asks the driver to stop the car so he can get out and cry. Ugh. It’s breaking my heart! (Happily this isn’t the last we’ll see of him this summer. Rumor has it Wills is also headed to Paradise, and I can’t wait to see what lucky gal nabs him. She’d better be worthy of my bae!)
Becca and Jason celebrate. Jason can’t wait to take her to Buffalo. I can’t wait to see if we can convince him to change his hairstyle.
That means it’s Hometown dates for Colton, Garrett, Blake, and Jason. Whose parents are in it to win it with their offspring? Who doesn’t want Becca as a daughter-in-law, come hell or high water? Most importantly, will we get to meet the cheating English teacher turned stepfather?! And, oh yeah – that asshole Tia drops by with a major bomb. I can’t wait, and I know you can’t either – see you next week!
The Bachelorette (2018): Season 14, Episode 7 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Becca gushes about a suitor.
Take a Drink: every time the Baha Men extend a minute of fame.
Take a Drink: for every gorgeous beach scene.
Do a Shot: for the conch puns!
*Don’t forget to follow Jenna Zine on Twitter for a live-stream of the show in action!