Lincoln believes the Earth is flat, poops in a “nest” on the floor at work, and – oh, yeah – has been convicted of indecent sexual assault and will have to register as a sex offender moving forward. It makes Colton’s blatant lust for Tia look downright sweet. Let’s clap back at the mofos who booked this shit show. Yep, it’s time for recap number 4!
Jesus Christ – I am at a loss for words this week, but I’m going to soldier on because I can’t help myself. First we’ve got a bit of Bachelor Nation news to cover before getting into the show. In an effort to save myself from a rage stroke, let’s start with the good. Jashley is ENGAGED! That’s right – Jared Haibon and Ashley Iaconetti are set to get hitched (most likely in a televised Bachelor in Paradise-adjacent event). This just goes to prove if you hold onto your crush like a tear-soaked Rottweiler you too can marry the restaurant manager of your dreams. America; it’s quite a place, isn’t it? Seriously though – these two are cute and, while I’m nervous for Ashley and her complete lack of real world experience, I do hope it works out.
There’s obviously a ton of news to cover with Lincoln Adim, and I’ll be getting to that shortly. But let’s keep the sweet, sweet nectar of love at the forefront for a moment more. The show picks up with the cocktail party and Rose Ceremony from last week. We see Becca and Blake cuddling on a bunk bed (sexy!), where they’re chatting about baby names. (Aww, my ovaries!) Then Blake drops the bomb that he wants 5 kids and Becca seems like she’s going to faint. He quickly dials it back to 3, but the damage is done. Becca is picturing life with a prolapsed uterus and, from the horrified look on her face, she is not remotely tempted to engage in this procreating tomfoolery.
Meanwhile the guys toast to poor David (he who fell out of his bed last week, sustaining serious injuries), while Jordan glowers in the corner. Becca and Jordan get a moment alone, where she actively trolls him with the gift of gold lamé short shorts. Jordan, of course, attempts to spin this to his advantage, stating, “Becca has my groin on her mind, and she thinks it’s worth gold.” No. That is absolutely not what is going on. You know this, she knows this, he knows it too. But a male model’s ego is fragile and we must not disturb this delicate balance.
Side note: speaking of male models – because when are we not – I am still on my quest to obtain information from Wilhelmina. I sent an email to the head of the male model division (yes, that’s a job) with the following:
[“I wanted to give a quick introduction – I am a writer, and I have a few questions I was hoping you could answer for an article I’m working on for a film and television website re: one of your male models, Jordan Kimball. As you know, Jordan is currently starring on The Bachelorette. He mentioned that he is one of an elite group, maintaining that Wilhelmina employs under 100 male models. I was curious if that is in L.A., or if that includes the agency as a whole?
I was also curious how the agency feels about being represented on the show? I know you have a high profile in a myriad of genres, but I’m not sure if this is the agency’s first appearance on reality television.
On a similar note, does having Jordan appear on reality television affect his future bookings? It looks like he’s mainly working in editorial now. I am wondering if the show is a benefit, or possibly a hindrance, on the editorial front, as his face will be more recognizable in future adverts. (A bonus, I am sure, but maybe not what all clients want?)
Thank you so much for your consideration and time!”]
And the response, thus far, has been… silence. It does not end here – I will keep at it!
Jordan may have the gold shorts, but it’s David who has the cojones to return to the show, despite a broken nose and black eye. He arrives at the mansion, fresh from his hospital stay, to cheers from the men (minus one) and a huge hug from Becca, who pulls him aside and immediately gives him a rose, thus saving him from standing through the ceremony. Dude needs to rest. (Meanwhile, Jordan is riled up, Dirty Dancing style, claiming of David, “He’s not gonna put me in a corner. I’m Captain Underpants. That’s all I got.”)
And it is finally time for the Rose Ceremony! That means David has a flower, as well as Chris and Colton from last week. The other roses go to: Jason, Wills, Christon, Nick (in a track suit, so he can “put it all out there”), Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, and Jean Blanc. That means we are saying goodbye to Mike, the man-bun sports analyst, and Ryan, the banjo player from After The Final Rose. Best of luck in the future, gentlemen! The two exit as the rest of the cast have a champagne toast before packing their bags. That’s right – it’s time to leave the mansion and head to Park City, Utah!
And… I cannot enjoy one moment of the gorgeous expanse that is Utah, because the second Becca lands in her luxury digs she’s off to take Garrett on a one on one. Yuck, blick, boo! She takes him to an alpaca shop where they giddily try on sweaters and slippers. The solo interviews with Becca show her doubled over with a mixture of lust and butterflies as she raves about how handsome Garrett is, while (disturbingly) claiming that he “reminds her of home.” If Garrett reminds her of home, that house must’ve been haunted. Also, in a rather unfortunate takeaway, she also claims that she and Garrett share similar views, and that he calls forth a comparison to her deceased father. Oh… my. Nothing about this is good. Everything about it is bad. Also, regardless of the racist, homophobic, and all around awful social media scandal he’s embroiled in, this man is straight up in no way as handsome as she’s saying. He’s just not. It’s an empirical fact. This leads me to believe: 1. Becca has terrible taste in men. 2. Garret, a medical sales rep, must have access to some pills he’s surely drugging her with the convince her she actually wants this man. 3. All of the above. To say this is disappointing doesn’t even cover it.
They arrive at a gorgeous ski park and take a lift to meet Valerie Fleming and Shauna Rohbock, Olympic bobsled champs that’ve trained together for 9+ years who are now married with children. (Given what we know of Garrett and his bigoted beliefs, Twitter has a moment by moment breakdown of his facial expressions as he’s confronted with the news that he is in the company of, gasp, lesbians. Twitter never disappoints!) They get to experience the luge with the Olympians at the helm, reaching a speed of 65 mph. It looks exhilarating and terrifying.
The evening portion of the date commences in a lodge, where Becca continues to lay it on thick about how attractive Garrett is. This is killing me. And it is here, curled up on the couch in front of an untouched charcuterie plate, that Garrett confesses some serious baggage: it turns out he is divorced! (According to him, the union dissolved because it was his wife who was emotionally abusive. Um…. I don’t think so, but that’s the story he’s selling to Becca. Will Kayla Cunningham please come forward?) Becca looks shocked to learn that Garrett was previously married. I am equally shocked that someone would’ve agreed to marry Garrett in the first place. Becca struggles to remain buoyant in the face of this knowledge, but you can tell she’s thrown for a loop. Here she was, imaging herself to be the first Mrs. Yrigoyen, only to find someone else has already had the (dubious) “honor.” Dreams – sometimes they shatter.
Garrett asks Becca, “What scares you?” Becca replies, “Your past.” Twitter trills, “Girl, you do not even know the half of it!” Her raging attraction to this dolt has them making out within minutes of the disappointing marriage revel and he receives the date rose. But it’s not over! (Why, god, isn’t it over?) Nope – not before they have a chance to dance to country artist Granger Smith in front of a screaming crowd. Ah, romance.
Meanwhile, back at the resort, the guys are chatting to pass the time when conversation turns to the shape of the Earth. And that is when we learn that LINCOLN THINKS THE EARTH IS FLAT. He believes this because: 1. When you look at the ground from a plane, it is “flat.” 2. Because if the Earth was round “water” (aka the ocean) would be falling on us. 3. But how do we, as humans, stay on Earth? Well, that’s because of “friction.”
Oh my holy hell – what in the actual fuck is going on here? I cannot even with this nonsense. But wait – there’s more! Are you ready to have insult added to injury? Because the fuckwits that vetted this season are ready to heap it upon you. In addition to being a flat-Earther, Lincoln has also been accused of pooping on the floor at work (repeatedly) by making a nest of toilet paper in which to squat on because he believes that toilets are unsanitary. I mean, having to take a shit at work is no one’s favorite thing, but this is… oh, fuck. I’m back to having no words. All I can say is being a freelance writer can be stressful when it comes time to pay the bills, but at least my bowel movements happen mainly at home and I’ve never been more grateful.
Are we done with Lincoln? NO. We are totally NOT done with Lincoln. This week it was revealed:
[“Lincoln Adim, a contestant on the current 14th season of ABC’s The Bachelorette, was convicted of indecent assault and battery last month and has to register as a sex offender.
In May, a week before the show premiered, the now 26-year-old was found guilty of groping and assaulting a woman on a harbor cruise ship in 2016, the Suffolk County District Attorney’s office in Massachusetts said in a statement to E! News on Wednesday. The statement said Adim was sentenced to one year in a house of correction, with that term suspended for a two-year probationary period, and was ordered to stay away from the victim and attend three Alcoholics Anonymous meetings per week.
“If he complies with the judge’s orders, he will not have to serve out his term, but if he fails to comply with those orders or re-offends, he could be ordered to serve out the year behind bars,” the statement said, adding, “By law, he is expected to register as a sex offender.”]
This is the rage stroke I was referring to earlier. HOW DID THIS MAN GET CAST ON THIS SHOW? This is egregious and frankly potentially dangerous for Becca – THE LEAD THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PROTECTING BY RESPONSIBLY VETTING HER SUITORS. Am I shouting? Yes, I am shouting. What dime store detective agency is ABC farming these background checks out to? This incident happened in 2016. They are claiming he lied. While I’m sure he did, what’s the point of doing background checks if the people in charge are going to take every answer provided as the truth? That’s the point of a freaking background check. Also, it’s 2018 so you can’t tell me something from 2016 as big as this didn’t pop up in their search.
I am back to the question of, “Why do the producers hate Becca?” Seriously, is this some kind of sick long game to humiliate this poor woman? Obviously we’ve got the Arie situation, who, while there was no way of knowing he’d change his mind so dramatically, did trick her into the infamous televised breakup. Then we’ve got the Colton/Tia attraction, which seems benign in comparison; but still shitty. And, of course, the horrific Garrett Gate which is beyond fucked up. That’s three guys (that we know of, thus far) who could’ve easily been left off the show, as all of this could’ve/should’ve been found out before filming – but the show chose to cast them anyway. I understand as a participant on a reality television show that Becca signed up with an understanding that things might happen in order to increase ratings and/or follow a certain storyline. But this seems above and beyond. Was Arie forced to deal with such issues? Nope. Meanwhile they put a known racist on Rachel Lindsay’s season, so one can’t help but surmise a certain double standard. And a dangerous one at that. How would Becca have felt if Lincoln had made it to the Fantasy Suite, where she could’ve potentially engaged in intimate physical acts with a man who is now expected to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life? I don’t care what ratings or reasons you’re offering – this is horrible.
I could go on, but my deadline is looming and there’s not enough time in the day to continue espousing my anger. But seriously, ABC had better get it together.
A date card has been delivered to the lodge! Blake reads the names, but not the message. Those names are: Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc. So basically everyone left in the house, save Wills which means he gets the next one on one. Woot!
The men are off to a lumberjack competition. It turns out Becca grew up watching lumberjack competitions because one can only assume there was no T.V. in that house. Jordan continues to harp on David. Jason admits to being scared among so many juiced up dudes. Jordan actually splits wood of the log variety, while Jean Blanc, Lincoln, and Chris struggle dangerously with their axes. The guys are then sectioned off into two teams for log rolling, log flipping, axe throwing, blade through log cutting, and log scaling. It’s John – the Silicon Valley mogul – who secures the surprise win. Yay!
Now we’re on to the evening portion of the date at the High West Distillery. (It’s gonna take a distillery to help get me through this nonsense, that’s for sure!) Becca and Jason chat first. He sweetly says he’s nervous because he cares about her. He seems more grounded and likeable than before – a welcome change, given the current nightmare. They kiss.
Next is Colton. I don’t think they even exchanged a word before they were macking. Meanwhile, Jordan “models” his golden shorts, which Colton deems disrespectful. I am not sure how? Wouldn’t it be more disrespectful to shelve the undies? After all, the producers Becca shopped for those herself!
Jean Blanc comes around to give Becca a scent he’s personalized for her. He tries to kiss her, but she’s not into it. In a solo interview she says that something is off and chalks it up to her intuition. This is great and all – but where is this famed intuition when it comes to the other men? Forget saging her vagina – someone needs to help Becca clear her third eye.
Jean Blanc is not ready to admit defeat. He doubles down and tells Becca he’s falling for her. Not only is Becca not impressed, she’s not even remotely interested. She asks him to leave. In poor form, Jean Blanc tries to take back the perfume. He also wants to take back his words of love, claiming, “I only said that because I thought that’s what you wanted to hear.” Oh, shit.
Becca is (rightfully) pissed. She’s already been jerked around by Arie and she is not having this nonsense. She walks Jean Blanc to the curb, literally, where he’s driven away by an idling Range Rover.
Becca, in no mood for further games, returns to the lodge to let the guys know that Jean Blanc has been sent home and that anyone left had better be there for the right reasons. (Most are not. Don’t blame me – blame the casting directors.) There will be no date rose given out – Becca is heading straight to bed to relive the emotional cha cha she just had to navigate with her “love” matches.
The men are shook. Most recognize this is a very bad turn of events, as it means Becca will be putting her emotional walls back up posthaste. Wills looks crushed, understanding that his long-awaited one on one will now be decidedly less carefree.
A new day dawns, with Becca in bed nursing a cup of coffee as she mulls over the continued emotional devastation the producers and contestants have heaped upon her. Seriously, what did this woman ever do to deserve this? I am still at a loss.
But Becca is a pro. She knows what she signed up for, so she rallies and heads out to meet Wills. Wills knows she’ll be feeling fragile today, saying, “She’s been done wrong so many times and she doesn’t deserve that.” He also knows that the trickery Jean Blanc pulled will be reminding her of Arie and he is intent on working overtime to make sure she has a wonderful day. Wills has earned a permanent spot on my Forever Crush list. He is awesome.
They take snowmobiles to the top of a hill for a haphazard picnic with a killer view. They are beyond cute together. The evening portion of the date continues their adorable streak, as they talk in more depth about previous relationships. Wills reveals that he thought he’d found his person, even discussing marriage and babies, before his ex dropped a major bomb. Turns out his forever gal wanted a hall pass and the next time he saw her out, she was with another man. Damn; was that woman blind?!
Becca and Wills continue to have an engaging, honest, and vulnerable conversation. He gets the date rose and a long kiss. The show should end here.
Um, hello! Did you forget about Chris Harrison? Because he’s here to remind you that he’s the host, popping in to tell the guys the dreaded (albeit predictably played out) info: Becca knows what she wants. And that means no cocktail party. Rather it is straight on to the Rose Ceremony. (Two in one show – woo hoo!)
A reminder that Jean Blanc is obviously already gone, there was no group date rose handed out, and that Wills and Garrett have already obtained flowers. With that, the other recipients are: Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, John, Chris, David, and… drum roll… Jordan. That means Nick, who dared to bare it all in a track suit, and Christon, the former Harlem Globetrotter, are on the way back to their respective homes.
The group is off to Vegas next week for more shenanigans. Jordan continues his weak analogy game, comparing himself to a sponge that needs to be squeezed, if only someone would just try. Chris has a freakout. My guess is he’s probably still traumatized by spending time with Richard Marx. The Nevada desert will the setting for the two on one double date showdown between David and Jordan. I don’t care who stays, as long as those gold undies are retired. Until then!
*You can also follow Jenna Zine for live tweets during the broadcast. We hope you enjoy – we welcome your comments and shares!
The Bachelorette (2018): Season 14, Episode 4 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Jordan complains about David.
Take a Drink: for every log split, tumbled, tossed, or scaled. Holy heck, these guys are fit AF.
Take a Drink: every time you wish Garrett, Lincoln, and Colton would stay the hell away from Becca.
Take a Drink: every time you lament, “Why can’t ABC do right by this woman?”
Do a Shot: for Becca. She needs it.