Alright, you guys – we did it! We’ve made it to the end of Becca Kufrin’s dramatic (and, dare I say, disappointing) journey to find everlasting looooove! We now know who Becca’s fiancé is, but let’s find out the nitty gritty of that bended knee proposal. Caress your cubic zirconia – it’s time for the recap of the finale!
It’s another big workload for Chris Harrison – who claims he’s hosting “live” in Los Angeles, and yet… he’s not. The show has been recorded earlier – you know it, I know it, the programming note on the bottom of the television knows it, and Twitter definitely knows it because spoilers abound before the West Coast has even had a chance properly chill their rosé. WTF, ABC? At any rate, Chris is doing his best to drum up the dramz, claiming that what we’re about to see has never, ever been experienced on the show before. Does Harrison have amnesia? Because what we’re about to see happens every damn season.
But on to Becca! She’s in the Maldives with her final two – Blake, who she’s been in love with “for a while now” and remains her most consistent connection, and Garrett, the fucking dolt she wants to bone for some mysterious reason. Who, oh who, will she choose? First she must consult her family, naturally! They’ve also been flown to the Maldives and put up in a luxury resort to fret over who will be their beloved Becca’s potential husband. Not a bad gig, if you can get it.
Garrett meets the family first, which is excellent planning on Becca’s part. Keep that bar low, ya know? There are hugs all around as they sit down for a meal, where Garrett makes a toast to Becca’s dead dad. If his goal is to get into Becca’s pants (it is), he’s on the right track. (I wouldn’t accuse him of being smart, but that toast was brilliant.) Garrett also cries a lot during the day and I’m 100% sure the producers put hot sauce in his eyes to wrench emotion from his testosterone-ladened body.
There are breakout meetings with various combinations of family. Becca and her mother chat, and Becca claims she can be herself with Garrett. (That’s too bad.) Becca’s uncle then speaks with Garrett and goes straight for the chase – how was he only married for two months? Well, golly gee – Garrett was instilled with values, and those values apparently include dragging his ex whenever he gets the chance because he’s still blaming her for the dissolution of their brief union. Instead of screaming about all the red flags he’s seeing, Becca’s uncle instead claims Garrett “is a poet, ready to sprout up and be something special.” OMG – LMFAO over here. There are literal tears coming out of my eye ducts. Dear Becca’s Uncle (I didn’t catch your name because I don’t care) – you have failed your niece spectacularly!
Becca’s sis seems like a cool chick. She sits down with Garrett for some gentle grilling, where he claims he’s “a 50/50 person!” (Um, if you mean half man, half racist, then yes – this fraction makes sense.) You can tell she’d like to warn Becca about Special G Force, but can’t. Sigh.
Now it’s time to meet Blake! I’m not even shy about this – I admit a blatant bias towards this sweet soul. Plus, he showed up with wine for the family, so he’s clearly the better man. He’s greeted warmly by the Kufrin crew and they also sit down to some shared plates. Blake raves about Becca and the fact that he’s attracted to strong, independent women. (Garrett, by comparison, talks endlessly about what a good mother Becca will be and the fact that he loves the way she says “bag.” For real.)
There are more one on one conversations. Blake again praises Becca’s strength and confides in her sister about their chemistry. He also states that he’s never been more sure about a person, and that he can’t imagine his life without her. Hello! It’s too much sweetness. You’re killing me, Smalls. Or should I say Talls? (Blake stands at over 6-feet.)
Sadly, it seems Becca’s family must already have some valuable intel because in every talk someone asks the question, “What would you do if she doesn’t pick you?” I am not appreciating the foreshadowing – not one bit. And I’m not alone – Blake is picking up on this and is understandably nervous AF. Becca’s uncle even goes as far as to ask, “Is there anything I should be concerned about when it comes to Garrett?” Why in the hell should Blake have to answer that?! He must’ve heard me, because he evades her uncle’s question and focuses on positive attributes about his own character. Where did this man come from? He is a gem!
Blake leaves after a hesitant kiss from Becca, knowing that something is amiss. He’s worried that they might’ve fallen in love too early and now it’s potentially working against him. He is not wrong.
The family has a roundtable discussion about both men. They rave about Blake, claiming he and Becca are like a matched pair of bookends, meanwhile questioning whether or not Garrett can challenge her enough. It seems their preference is clear, but will it resonate with Becca?
Now it’s time for her final date with Garrett before the enforced engagement deadline. They are ocean-adjacent, so Garrett is able to deduce that they’re spending the day on a boat. We watch as the cuddle, kiss, and talk about how perfect they are for each other. Thankfully their dead-ass boring conversation is interrupted by a pod of dolphins. (Dolphins are smart, and this proves it.) Garrett claims that he’s “at the equator, standing on top of the world.” Two points about that: 1. What are the odds someone had to tell Garrett they were at the equator? 2. The equator, by its very definition, is the middle, not the top.
The evening portion of the date proves to be even less interesting. Becca reiterates that Garrett reminds her of home and her deceased father, claiming he won her heart the moment he took her fly fishing in the pool at the mansion on Night One. Garrett reveals that she gives him butterflies. No – wait! Butterflies are too small! Instead Becca gives him eagles in his chest. (Ah, the poet lives, for tonight the world was given the gift of eagles in the chest.) Garrett also says he sees them “maybe changing a diaper together while you get ready to go to work.” Be still eagles – the romance of dealing with baby poo before dashing off to your job while Garrett stays home to boss around his field hands awaits you!
They caress one another as their future diaper duty/full-time job/grocery store runs swirl in their minds. Becca says, “You’re always touching me.” To which Garrett replies, “I don’t want you to get away.” Now that I believe!
Blake also gets a last date before the big decision, which consists of riding bikes around the island. Bicycles must be an aphrodisiac for Blake because he jubilantly claims their “hearts recognize each other” and that he “loves her more than ever.” If this is what a spin class does to someone, sign me up!
The evening portion consists of an intense discussion about their future. Blake has recovered from his nerves the day before, saying, “I’m so glad we can talk. I would’ve shut down in the past, but I’m not going to do that this time. I knew something was off [the other day], but I’m not running.” He also challenges her to “stay out of her head,” – i.e. keep her mind off Garrett, damn it! To solidify his request, he gives her a “time capsule,” which is really just a wooden box with a glass door hinged to the top. (But I’ll take it, as it’s a switch-up from the played-out scrapbook. Nice job, interns!) Though the gesture is sweet (albeit created by the producers), Becca looks disinterested. I want to reach through my screen and slap her awake. Girl, the perfect guy is sitting right there! Why am I not in control here? Things would be going much better if I was the boss.
Ah, decisions, decisions! It’s the morning of her engagement and Becca kicks it off by reading a loving letter from her sister, who implores her to “listen to her heart.” Garrett wakes up “feeling amazing,” and Blake claims “everything feels right.”
The final two meet Neil Lane, the famed diamond broker, to (separately) pick out some bling. Garrett choses a setting in gold– this says so much about him (read: tacky) – and Blake procures the proper cushion cut with the platinum eternity band.
It’s finally time to wrap this shizz up! Both men are shown boating to the location where Becca is waiting. Who will be first to dock? (Normally the suitors arrive on land, and it’s well-known that the first person out of the limo is the one who’s going to get their heart broken.) And… it’s Blake. Oh, Becca. Girlfriend is about to make a gigantic mistake. Blake approaches her and says, “From the first time I saw you, I knew you were someone special. You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I want to make you smile like that for the rest of my life. Just you and me, that’s what I want. You’re my person. So, Becca – will you let me spend the rest of my life making you smile?”
But no! Garrett will be the one bogarting Becca’s grin. She stops Blake and replies, “You made me hopeful. Someone I could turn to anytime. A partner; a teammate. You made me know I could fall in love again. But because we were so constant, I was overlooking other relationships. Because we were so solid, I wasn’t seeing everything. There’s just one piece with somebody else that I’m not ready to say goodbye to yet. Honestly, I pictured this moment with you standing here the entire time for so long. But there’s a better fit for us out there.”
Ugh!!!!! I have to confess that I read the spoilers ages ago – but it still didn’t make me any less disappointed, or hopeful that my intel from Reality Steve was incorrect. But no – it’ true. That means Garrett is the winner. (Speaking of being wrong – I was also incorrect. I mentioned in my first recap that I thought the producers were trying to throw us off the scent (pun intended!) and that the recipient of the First Impression Rose would not become Becca’s fiancé. But that was wishful thinking on my part, all around. A gal can dream!) One thing of note – Blake did not get down on one knee, nor did he actually say the words, “Will you marry me,” so I’m hoping they had an off-camera conversation to save him a little face.
There are all kinds of tears, with Blake weeping into a towel. (Hopefully not the same one used to mop his brow? Homeboy was sweating up a storm!) We head back to the studio audience, where everyone is sitting in “stunned silence.” Chris Harrison and Blake are onstage, with Harrison bringing Becca out for one final conversation with her castoff. Blake asks if he did anything wrong, but there was nothing. (Though Becca disturbingly insinuates not-too flattering things about Blake’s mental health, claiming he couldn’t handle it if a child got ill. Which seems both oddly specific and incorrect.) Alas, the lure of the tomato farmer/insurance salesman from Reno with eagles in his chest was just too strong. What’s a gal to do? (Other than, I don’t know, not fall for a racist meathead?) And with that, their connection comes to a close. Unless – hope against hope – Becca comes to her senses and pulls an Arie?
And now it’s the moment no one is excited for – save Becca and her ovaries. Garrett approaches Becca and makes a speech, again pandering to her feelings about her father. (It’s the only trick in his limited bag.) He says he sees a future filled with minivans that are overflowing with orange slices and diapers, fly fishing, and buying things to eat. My husband and I agreed to get married over cheap tequila shots at a dive bar, and even that was more romantic than this. Can Garrett possibly kick it up a notch for national television? No? Okay then – diapers and orange slices it is!
Becca interrupts him to let him know that he reminds her of her father and home (again!). (Jesus, we get it. Enough with the Electra complex already.) She’s been waiting to tell Garrett she loves him, and now is that moment. There’s more blathering about tomato fields before Garrett demands, “Give me that finger.” And with that, our Bachelorette is engaged. Do I feel cheated that we invested in this “journey,” only to have this be the end result? Yes, I do. Will I watch again next season? Abso-fucking-lutely. The flesh is weak, and my reality-TV pickled brain even weaker!
Chris Harrison invites Becca and Garrett to the stage for more chatter in “real time.” Becca is shouting and cheering for herself. She is also very excited to finally go public so that she and Garrett can go to Costco together. What an exciting future to behold! They (barely) address Garrett’s social media shame, with Garrett blankly reciting an apology from a script. We’ve already discussed this at length here, so I’ll leave you with the best summation from Twitter: “Becca picking a guy who supported calling Parkland survivors crisis actors over an actual school shooting survivor is the most 2018 thing that has happened.” Yep.
Chris gifts Becca & Garrett with an all-expense paid trip to Thailand (they’re still going on about having to “deal with the locals” and how stressful it was), and… a cheap ass minivan to begin their life of drudgery in style.
And that’s a wrap – thank you so much for reading! I need to enjoy a bit of summer, so I will be writing a single recap of the Bachelor in Paradise that covers all of the episodes at the end of the season (premiering tonight!). And I’ll be covering the next season of The Bachelor in the fall. Who will our next lead be? The suspense is killing me! Until then, rose peeps!
The Bachelorette (2018): Season 14, Episode 11 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time you think Becca’s family members are trying to secretly signal their suitor preference to Becca.
Take a Drink: every time Garrett brings up Becca’s father. Emotional manipulation or legit connection? Time will tell!
Take a Drink: every time you feel nervous for Blake.
Do a Shot: for this damn season. It may not have been dramatic, but it’s certainly been epic!