We open with Arie Luyendyk Jr. racing down the road in a fancy sports car, because apparently not one episode can go by without reminding us that this bachelor has the need for speed! Meanwhile, the gals are biking together as Chelsea helpfully reminds us that Fort Lauderdale has, “tons of water and tons of boardwalks!” Thank you, Chelsea. If things don’t work out with Arie, perhaps you can go on a date with Captain Obvious.
The women get settled in another sumptuous suite and, not long after, Arie comes strolling in wearing a pair of gray Tom’s that make me die a little inside. There was no card – he simply asks Chelsea if she wants to go on a date and away they went.
Their 1:1 took place on a deluxe yacht, with Chelsea saying, “I’m on a dream boat, but I’m also with a dreamboat!” Girl, you so clever. They have a lovely time lounging in luxury before hopping in the ocean for some water sports that include Chelsea straddling Arie on a jet ski while a trio of contestants spy on them. Just when I think this show is getting boring, they bust out some next level kink!
But how can they see where they’re going? [Photo Credit]
The evening portion of their canoodling takes them to a car museum, which Arie claims is “pretty.” Why not just set this guy up with a Ferrari and be done with it? Most likely because objectophilia is not a big ratings draw, so boobies it is! Arie once again stresses that he just loooooves strong, independent women because Bekah will be proven wrong for accusing him of otherwise, god damn it. [Bekah’s School of Psychology – enrollment open now!] They toast to “exploring all the unknown [sic] and taking chances.”
Chelsea then reveals her story. It turns out she was “drowning in a life that seemed perfect” after meeting a much older man when she was 20-years old. Apparently he molded her into what he wanted… and then promptly kicked her out of his house six months after birthing his baby in favor of another woman. She then says, “I have less than I’ve ever had in my life, but I feel like I have everything because I have a healthy child.” I am legit tearing up over here; not even a cynical twat like me can touch that. She gets the date rose and they end the night during another private concert given by yet another unknown band.
Remember Maquel? She’s done grieving for her deceased grandfather and has welcomed herself back to the competition with her own open arms. And just in time for the group date! The card says there’s “not a moment to spare,” and the women included are: Maquel, Krystal, Bekah, Becca, Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, and Lauren B. (or “Last Lauren Standing). This means Tia has a 1:1 to look forward to later.
And, in Bachelor budgets, the date does indeed take place in a bowling alley. Arie toasts to “rolling with it.” Yep, it’s just a battle of comedic genius between Dave Chappelle and Luyendyk Jr. moving forward. Group dates always mean a struggle for the love interest’s attention, and this is no exception. The women are, in fact, fronting like baboons during mating season. (At one point Krystal sticks her ass in the air and says, “Woo hoo!”) Arie is trying to gallantly juggle the women as best he can but – no surprise – it’s not enough for Krystal, who whines her way through the activities, per usual.
This picture is my new everything. [Photo Credit]
Arie comes up with a plan to split the gals into two teams – and the stakes are high, because whichever team wins gets to attend the after-party while the losing team will get sent back to the room. Warm up those balls, ladies – love is on the line! The teams are The Spare Roses, consisting of: Jenna, Krystal, Becca, Maquel, and Jacqueline and The Pin Ups with: Seinne, Marikh, Lauren, Bekah, Ashley, and Kendall. It’s no surprise to learn that Krystal is competitive AF – she bowls and brags her way through the game as if her life depends on it. She says, “I want to focus on not breaking others down, but rather building everyone up.” She says this… but it is a bald-faced lie, as we all know simply saying something doesn’t make it true. There have to be actual actions behind words.
Meanwhile empty platitudes don’t stop Krystal from dominating the lanes – she and The Spare Roses trounce The Pin Ups and have secured the coveted after-party invite.
But it can never just be easy, can it?! Nope; Arie has to go and – gasp – change his mind! How dare he? You see, after The Spare Roses win, Arie has time to think. Translation: he realizes that of The Spare Roses, the only one he really digs in that group is Becca; and that would make for a long evening, so he decides to also include The Pins Ups in order to secure time with the other women he has a strong chemistry with. Seems fair enough – after all, it is his journey to find love. (I really feel we haven’t heard “journey” or “for the right reasons” enough this season. Are we sure we’re even watching The Bachelor?)
But guess who’s not down with this nefarious plan? That’s right – Krystal. (She apparently throws a major temper tantrum on the bus ride back to the hotel – not shown, but her actions are relayed to us via on-camera interviews with the other girls.) While the other contestants are getting ready for the party, Krystal strolls out in her robe and announces that she won’t be attending. Does anyone care? Nope. Not even Arie notices she’s missing when they reconvene. (He says, “Everyone’s here!” One gal replies, “Well, not everyone…”) And that is when he’s alerted of Krystal’s meltdown. Needless to say, he’s not amused.
Above it all – not! [Photo Credit]
Arie chats with the women for a few minutes before going to check on the Sulky One – which is exactly what she was hoping for. She puts on her baby cooing voice, but it’s not working this time because Arie is legit pissed. She claims he lied. He says it’s just bowling and to get over it. Gotta admit – I need to side with Arie on this one. He essentially tells her to stay put and think about what she’s done, and then leaves to rejoin the party. One thing Krystal desperately needs is a time out – I wholeheartedly endorse this.
Meanwhile the other women are bonding over cocktails. Arie returns and Kendall pulls him aside for quality kissing. (Kendall wrote me a note last night during my live-tweeting, so she is immediately my new favorite!)
Bekah is up next for pillow lip time. Arie is still (supposedly) struggling with her age, but they table the issue in order to makeout.
The other Becca gets pulled into Arie’s room for “something special,” which includes cuddling on the couch. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
While all this mad-macking is going on, Krystal is getting gussied up because, as she says, “I didn’t leave my self-respect at home when I came on this journey.” (Journey! There it is.) She decides to take said “self-respect” on a stroll to the party-in-progress. It is unfortunate timing, since she happens to arrive right as Bekah is mocking her. Of course a verbal tussle ensues between Krystal and every other person there. Lauren correctly calls out Krystal for creating more drama in order to remain the center of attention. Bekah brings the fire by calling Krystal a hypocrite for saying she wasn’t coming to the party, then showing up. Doesn’t that make her the liar? Bekah, and everyone else, would like to know.
When you’re so totally OVER it. [Photo Credit]
It’s no surprise that Krystal doesn’t take confrontation well and leaves the party shortly thereafter. Good riddance.
Arie and Lauren then having a searing round of something Lauren calls “21 Questions,” with the first question being, “What is your favorite color?” Seriously, Lauren? This is a virtual stranger that may conceivably be proposing to you in a few weeks. Is learning what shade he enjoys really the most salient detail on your list? The other questions are equally useless, including how they each like to take their coffee and eggs in the morning. Sounds more like they’re planning a sleepover – which honestly is more appropriate under the circumstances.
The group date finally concludes, with Lauren receiving the rose because Arie claims, “We got to know each other really well.” If you’re thinking this handsome single man has hidden depths, Luyendyk Jr. is here to dispel that assumption himself.
Now it’s time for Tia’s 1:1. Arie sets up “a country date, for a country girl.” He refuses to stop pigeonholing her for her Arkansas roots, but Tia is kind enough to play along. They make the requisite fan boat trip through the Everglades to go ‘gator hunting before arriving at a home in the swamp that a lovely man named Gerald built from scratch. Gerald has also prepared a fried food buffet that he carefully presents before disappearing. Did a crocodile make a meal of our sweet host? We may never know!
The date is going exceedingly well. So well, in fact, that Tia is declaring her love for Arie by nightfall. Arie is not allowed to say it back, per producer rules, but he looks mighty pleased. And, in a surprise twist, they actually have a somewhat deep, albeit veiled, discussion about religion. Tia secures the 1:1 rose.
Presented with no comment… [Photo Credit]
On a less romantical note, the girls who are left behind are forced to continue to deal with Krystal and her crazy. Krystal claims, “I wasn’t hiding in my room. I was investing in myself and growing from the struggle and the challenge.” This, of course, was an instant trending meme. How Mariah Carey hasn’t already trademarked this is a mystery.
Arie returns from his date and Kendall pulls him away again. This time she’s armed with questions. And not just questions – she has a book of 100 of them. Arie selects question 99, which involves cannibalism. Because, naturally. Kendall wants to know if he would eat human “meat” if local custom dictated. Arie thankfully says no. They go on to kiss. I must surmise that she must be a really good kisser if he doesn’t run for the hills after that query!
There’s more Krystal drama because she’s like a little drama Chihuahua with a little drama doggy bone. In other words, she won’t drop it. Bekah straight up asks her why she’s there. I don’t think even Krystal knows at this point. She is, of course, still going on about the bowling situation and claims, once again, that the girls aren’t on her level. Then she randomly says, “Glitter,” and that’s supposed to fix the situation. The Mariah is strong in this one.
Don’t mess with The Original, Krystal! [Photo Credit]
Arie and Krystal chat yet again. This time she reveals that she grew up in a bowling alley (!!) and that his behavior reminded her of the deadbeats her mom used to bring home. (Now she’s really reaching.) She coyly says, “It’s our first fight!” To which Arie replies, “Yes, and it could be our last.” One can only hope he’s that lucky.
Mr. Harrison briefly shows up and Arie rats out Krystal, telling Chris she questioned his character. Chris tries to act shocked, claiming, “But you’ve had such great times!” Have they though?
Now it’s time for the Rose Ceremony! As we know, Chelsea, Tia, and Lauren B. are already “safe.” Bekah, Seine, Kendall, Becca, Jacqueline, and Jenna all receive roses. There’s only one left! Who, oh who, will get the final flower? Yep, it’s Krystal. (Former Bachelor in Paradise contestant Diggy Moreland hilariously tweeted, “Arie said Krystal’s name the way I say ‘broccoli’ when I really want fries.”) It’s clear the choice is forced upon him in order to squeeze one more week of breathy dramz out of this miserable human. That means we say goodbye to Marikh, Maquel, and Ashley. I, for one, am forever grateful to Marikh for giving us the phrase “glam shaming.” Long may she live!
Once again there are outstanding outtakes when Arie chats with the Bowling Grannies. Worth waiting for. The group is off to Paris next week and I can’t wait for Krystal to annoy the French the way she annoys us. Au revoir!
The Bachelor (2018): Season 22, Episode 5
Take a Drink: every time Arie talks about cars.
Take a Drink: every time Krystal throws a fit.
Take a Drink: every time the gals mock Krystal. I’m not saying it’s the nicest thing… but can you blame them?
Do a Shot: for the look on Arie’s face when he sees those deep-fried frog legs.