A 36-year old man looking for a wife. A 22-year old hottie who refuses to play it safe. A trek through the woods. Urine in jars and bugs for breakfast. What could possibly go wrong? A lot! Warm up those scrolling fingers – it’s the fourth episode of The Bachelor!
Deep thoughts. [Photo Credit]
We open with Bekah taking a solo dip in the pool while the other gals are curled up in their pajamas babbling on about her age. It turns out she is a mere 22-years old and, as Krystal helpfully does the math for those at home, that means there’s a 14-year age difference between her and our intrepid bachelor, Arie Luyendyk Jr. We are supposed to believe this is somehow a problem, which is difficult because: 1. The cast is stocked with similarly-aged contestants. 2. The prevalent rumor that Arie loved to team up with his former rival-turned-wingman Jef Holm to drop in on sororities specifically to hook up with much younger women. But this season is boring AF and they need a storyline, so Arie fretting about Bekah’s age it is!
I don’t know what everyone’s so worried about. There are loads of successful May/December romances to model Arie and Bekah’s relationship after. [Photo Credit]
Chris Harrison shows up to inform the gals that change is afoot! There will be no date today and, in fact, it is time to say goodbye to the mansion. Pack your bags, gals – you’re going to South Lake Tahoe!
They arrive at the Hard Rock because nothing says “nature” like a mega-chain casino! They get settled and the first date card is delivered. It is for the gorgeous Seinne with the note, “Let’s let our love soar.” Arie joins the women briefly to pick up his date and then they’re off for an adventure that Arie says, “includes a lot of outdoor stuff, which is cool.” At least he’s using an adjective other than “amazing,” so I am excited. They do indeed soar, as promised, when he takes her parasailing. (Arie says, “It’s all about letting go and seeing where the wind takes you.” I wouldn’t recommend “letting go,” but do agree to having the wind be the boss in this situation.)
Luyendyk Jr. and Seinne survive their big adventure and move to the evening portion of their time. Seinne says, “I’m a black female and they don’t tell a lot of stories about girls like me getting a happy ending.” It is heartbreaking, and the truth of this is so painful. It’s criminal that black people, and specifically black women, are still so underrepresented in our culture, creatively and otherwise. Seinne may not have had enough screen role models growing up, but tonight she became one and surely inspired many women watching her. So can we please have her as the next Bachelorette? Arie listens compassionately and they have a good talk about race, strength, and love before he hands her the rose, saying, “This could be the start of our love story.” Though he’s not good enough for her, it’s a legitimately nice moment and I’ll let them have it as such. They then attend a Lanco show, where they are forced to awkwardly dance in front of the other concertgoers. When will the producers ditch this contrived scenario? My guess is never.
We’re flying! [Photo Credit]
Meanwhile, yet another date card is handed out. It comes with the dire question, “Will our love survive?” and it is for: Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany, and Caroline. (Sadly Maquel learns that her grandfather has passed; she leaves the show with a lot of tears and not much fanfare.) This means there’s only one name left off this list. It’s Bekah, and that means she’ll be receiving the 1:1 date later. If looks could kill, Bekah would be dead from the sour side-eye Krystal shoots her way.
The motley crew meets in the woods, only to stumble across Mykel Hawke and his wife, Ruth. Mykel is a retired Green Beret Combat Commander for the U.S. Army Special Forces, and if that doesn’t let you know he won’t suffer fools lightly I don’t know what will. Seriously, he’s so badass that it looks like he has a mustache, even though he doesn’t. It’s a weird bristly-haired mirage. Anyhoo, Mykel has taught survival in some of the gnarliest situations all over the world, and tonight he’s here to waste his considerable knowledge on the cast of The Bachelor. First he makes everyone go pee in water bottles because he is not fucking around. They reconvene with the urine and Arie pretends to drink his. One of the gals is about to do the same before Luyendyk Jr. intercedes to let her know his is actually apple juice. Nice save! That does not change the fact that: 1. One woman was prepared to drink her own waste for him. 2. There are 12 bottles of warm pee that need to be disposed of.
This is how I feel about kombucha.
Were you perhaps eating dinner while binging on the Bach? Hope not, because Mykel’s next challenge is to have the gals eat a handful of grubs to sustain them before their big hike. It’s as gross as it sounds. Before they embark on their walk, Kendall (aka Taxidermy Chick) pulls Arie aside to makeout. They just ate bugs and I didn’t see anyone whip out a toothbrush afterwards. I’m not sure how off the charts my chemistry would have to be to swap spit with someone after that mealy meal, but they obviously have what it takes in this situation.
They split up into two teams to tackle the terrain during a brief walk. So the survival skills were for naught and now it’s Mykel who’d better sleep with one eye open for making the women power up on creepy crawlies for a stroll equaling less than a mile. All is forgiven when they stumble upon The Hideout – a gorgeous spot resplendent with a pool, hot tub, and endless bottles of champagne. And, in the most shocking Bachelor moment ever, one of the gals enters the water IN A ONE-PIECE. This is not a drill! I don’t believe there’s been a one-piece swimsuit worn on this show in all of its 22 seasons. And it happened tonight. What a time to be alive!
Now the group has returned to the lodge for the nighttime portion of their “date.” Arie makes the first move, stealing Lauren B. (the last Lauren standing!) for some alone time. He says he has a surprise for her, but all they do is sit on the couch and kiss. So I guess the “surprise” is unlimited access to his pillow lips? They talk about the future and Lauren says, “When we’re super old and gross-looking, I want to be telling dirty jokes and spanking each other’s butts.” I am inspired by Lauren’s life goals. Arie claims he “loves independent women,” which blows Bekah’s theory from last week wide open. He also wants a lady with a “flexible schedule,” which as a ride or die freelancer means I am finally an eligible contestant! Woot.
Kendall is up next. Arie loves that she ate the bugs. Which… okay. Then he asks, “How do you travel with a [sic] taxidermy? With a tiny taxidermy passport! Duh. I thought everyone knew that. They talk about the surprise of their mutual chemistry before groping each other. No one thought Taxidermy Chick would last this long, but here she is. Let’s look for an uptick in girls who claim the love of dead animals as their personality quirk in the near future…
I feel like we haven’t talked about Krystal enough yet! But don’t worry, Krystal has been talking about Krystal nonstop during this entire episode. And when I say “talk,” I mean “whine.” She endlessly drones on about how superior she is, how she can’t believe how desperate the other girls are, and how she’s “floored” by all the insecurity. I believe the lady doth protest too much! (Krystal’s concern over everyone else’s supposed lack of self-confidence is obviously a cover for her own wealth of personality flaws. This obvious theory brought to you by Bekah’s School of Psychology.) Krystal grabs Arie to whisper to him about how the other girls are threatened and that “she’s so above and beyond this.” Arie’s forced to sit through the baby-voiced tirade with a blank look in his eyes. I’m sure he’s counting the seconds until the producers allow him to cut this obnoxious little brat.
Whisper and whine. [Photo Credit]
Krystal is not done! After her soul-sucking moment with Arie, she’s off to confront Tia and Caroline (who made fun of Krystal earlier in the day during the hot tub hang). Krystal starts to light into them, but Tia and Caroline are more than happy to fight back. Krystal claims she was “uncomfortable” getting one of the first one on one’s. Tia calls bullshit, saying, “Don’t play the victim.” Krystal pouts and says her feelings were hurt. Caroline says, “Please. When people are doing better than you, you break down.” If Krystal was hoping for domination, she picked the wrong two to play with! No one is sad about this – save Krystal and her incompetent vocal cords.
Tia finds Arie to vent her frustrations with Krystal. He asks her to have faith that he has a plan. [Potential spoiler: rumor has it she’s in the running for the Final Four, so he’s not lying.] In a nice little dig at Krystal, Tia gets the group rose for “being open and vulnerable.” Krystal, predictably, freaks out, saying, “They don’t operate at my level. I come across as flawless, and then I have a target on my back.” She is the human equivalent to fake news.
Now we’re at the big reveal of the evening! Or “The Bekah-ning” as ABC has been referring to it. Yes, it’s time for the 1:1. Arie and Bekah begin their adventure by exploring Tahoe on horseback. Tahoe is legit gorgeous, and the scenery is almost as breathtaking as Bekah’s beauty-enhancing pixie cut. After riding, they take a moment to climb into yet another hot tub to take in the view. In a voiceover, Arie lets us know Bekah is deep and has wisdom. She is, in fact, “deeper than anyone” he’s ever dated. This statement will come back to haunt him later.
It’s really dusk we’re all waiting for, and it’s not long before they’re sitting down to dinner (that they won’t eat, of course) so they can talk about their burgeoning feelings. Arie wants to know if their lives are in the same place. “Do we match up? Would you be ready, if the timing was right, with the right person? In life, are you ready for that step?” He wants nothing short of complete affirmation, but an exasperated Bekah chides him, saying, “Stop looking for reassurance. You don’t get that in love.” Arie again looks shocked that a woman is emboldened to express a verve for freedom.
Preach! [Photo Credit]
Arie then says, “I’m 36, and things have slowed down for me. I like waking up with the sun. Do you like to like [sic] still go out and stuff?” [That is verbatim. No one’s going to accuse Arie of being a Rhodes Scholar.] Personally I am confused. He’s 36, but he’s talking like he’s 90 and has but a few sunrises left to experience before his final slumber. Dude, take some Geritol and rally. I’m pretty sure you’re gonna make it!
Bekah sits back and gives him an incredulous look before saying, “Wait. Do you not know how old I am?” She then drops the bomb that she’s 22. The fake shock on Arie’s face should’ve earned him an Oscar nomination. Step back, Daniel Day Lewis; there’s a new sheriff in town! He gives a big speech about how he’s not here for a 22-year old girlfriend, he’s here for a wife. He’s, like, so totally ready to wed. [No matter that he had a serious girlfriend right up until he got the offer to become The Bachelor. We best not broach that bit of hypocrisy!]
Bekah conveniently reveals that she comes from a long line of family members who wed young. Her mother married at 19, and her sister similarly wed at an early age as well. So it can be done! What a relief. Arie twirls the rose in his hand and tells her the flower “symbolizes hope that they can still build something,” before giving it to her. The brave single man and the millennial live to bang fight another day!
And now we’re ready to tackle the Rose Ceremony! Normally there is a cocktail party preceding the bachelor’s love selections, but Chris Harrison appears briefly to deliver more bad news. He’s chatted with Arie, and Luyendyk Jr. has made up his mind! He “knows what he wants.” So shimmy into those ball gowns, gals – it’s time to be judged!
Meanwhile, the women also know exactly what they want, and it’s for Krystal to GTFO of the house. Bekah says, “Everyone’s made up their minds that Krystal is fake and two-faced.” Krystal is fooling no one; hopefully she and her damaged vocal cords will be shown the door sooner than later.
Chris tells Arie, “To say the girls were shocked and dismayed is an understatement. What drove you to this?” Harrison acts like they’re discussing the survival of the human race versus skipping a few glasses of champagne before the weekly eliminations everyone knows are coming. One thing can be said – when Chris shows up for his 5 minutes of work, he really gives it his all!
Boys will be boys. [Photo Credit]
The ladies line up for the ceremony, but before Arie can call out the first name, Krystal interrupts him to ask for some time. The two go off for a moment so she can whisper and whine some more. You’d think she’d come up with something new to say, but she’s still going on about the same old thing. Arie nods and then they head back to the patiently waiting women.
Arie is finally free to hand out roses. The gals accepting this week are: Lauren, Kendall, Ashely, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh, and – last and totally least – Krystal. (Seinne, Tia, and Bekah are already in possession of flowers.) That leaves Brittany and Caroline to say their goodbyes, with Maquel having already eliminated herself earlier.
The group toasts to Arie as they get ready to head off to Fort Lauderdale. Will warmer climates mean Arie forgoes his weekly cardigan? Tune in here to find out!
You are doing yourself a grave disservice if you do not Hulu the end credits to learn about Glam Shaming! To say it is the best and funniest thing to ever happen on this show is an understatement. Marikh has permanently changed our lexicon!
The Bachelor (2018): Season 22, Episode 4 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Krystal whispers or talks about herself. Bonus shot for when she whispers while talking about herself.
Take a Drink: every time Arie says “amazing.”
Take a Drink: every time the women talk about Bekah’s age.
Take a Drink: for every hot tub montage.
Do a Shot: for Glam Shaming!