A wrestling match, a date in an Airstream trailer, tears, confusion, and eliminations. Suit up, friends – it’s time for the third episode of The Bachelor!
We pick up at the end of last week’s cocktail party, with one gal saying, “I’m emotionally and physically drained.” It’s only the third episode and it sounds like things are going great! Not.
Chris Harrison wanders in to tell the ladies, “There are eighteen of you. That’s a lot. Take advantage of your time. You know what they say – behind every good man is a very strong woman.” Hmm… I feel there’s a not so veiled meaning behind this. What could it be?
A date card arrives and the ladies learn they’ll be wrestling. Strong women, indeed! The gals grappling each other for Arie’s love are: Maquel, Marikh, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Krystal, Bibiana, Tia, and Bekah. Not only will they be wrestling – they’ll be getting coached by GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) pros Little Egypt and Babe the Farmer’s Daughter. These GLOW’s are old school and their way of doing things is to trash talk in order to get the contestants riled up enough to kick ass. The only problem? It’s 2018, and calling someone out for having an ethnic-sounding name is not okay. (Little Egypt asks Bibiana, “What’s your name? Wow, does your mom not know how to spell?” Bibiana gives her a, “What the fuck” look before starting to cry. It’s awful.) With government funding running out on the DACA program this Friday and a bigoted president at the helm of our country, it seems like now would be a good time to cut the racially-charged chatter from your oeuvre, Little Egypt. Just saying!
They’re all knockouts! [Photo Credit]
Meanwhile, the girls of GLOB (Gorgeous Ladies of Bachelor) suit up as their alter egos, including: Mean Lunch Lady, Bridezilla, Sex Kitten, Southern Belle, Gold Digger, and Cougar. (Or Crusty Cougar, as Bekah calls Krystal.) And, of course, we have Arie as The Kissing Bandit (who shows up to the competition in a suit, looking totally bewildered). Kenny King, the beloved professional wrestler from Rachel Lindsay’s season, appears briefly to take on Luyendyk Jr. in the ring. Arie clearly was expecting to sit back and watch today – as he loves to do, and it’s not at all creepy! – but Harrison throws him in a match with Kenny, suit and all. Kenny could clearly wipe the floor with Arie – but, much like our presidential election, it’s rigged and Luyendyk Jr. emerges victorious. (Speaking of, I wish they would’ve let Kenny speak! He’s awesome. I miss him and hope he still gets cast as The Bachelor one day.) The matches between the ladies are as awkward and pointless as one would expect, and it’s a relief when this portion of the show wraps.
Now it’s time for the after-party date. How to follow up this mess? With a hang at a trailer park, naturally! (It’s a cool Airstream – I’m thinking it might be this Airbnb?) As per her usual M.O., Krystal grabs Arie first to woo him with her obnoxious baby voice. She asks, “What do I need to do? Kick back, or be aggressive?” He says, “Just be yourself.” So… aggressive it is!
Bibiana is up next. She receives a small hug, no kiss. Arie looks visibly bored and I’m thinking her time is not long on this show. That’s okay – she deserves better anyway and will be a ton of fun on the upcoming The Bachelor Winter Games.
Tia follows. Arie tells her he was surprised she didn’t rock the challenge today. Tia agrees, saying, “I felt weak.” Arie replies, “If you’re feeling that way, I can make you feel better. That helps me feel like the man.” Personally if a guy told me he needed me to feel weak in order to feel strong, I would run for the fucking hills. Tia doesn’t share the same sentiment; instead she makes out with him. C’est la vie!
Bekah and Arie then head off for a little alone time in the Airstream. She straddles him before the camera cuts away to Krystal talking about how awesome she is. The duo returns to the group, with Arie hunched over to hide his massive boner. He takes a beat before handing the date rose to Bekah. Game, set, match!
It’s the old Airstream straddle! [Photo Credit]
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, another date card arrives. It’s for Lauren S. and it says, “You had me at merlot.” She breathlessly exclaims, “I think it has to do with wine!” No shit, Sherlock. She runs upstairs and returns lugging a massive suitcase. I feel a sense of foreboding that this is a harbinger of her permanent exit, but let’s see what happens, shall we?
Lauren and Arie fly to wine country. Well, not the country, per say, but rather to one spot – Hall Wines. Lauren says, “This is a very Lauren date.” There are many Laurens, so I will accept this blanket statement. They consume some vino (obvi!) before wandering the gorgeous estate. It is there, amongst the sun-dappled grapes, that they embark on a conversation that shall bond them for life. JK! It’s super lame, with Arie talking about bedtimes (he loves to go to sleep early!) and Lauren agreeing, before he makes a stupid joke about cardigans. She replies, “Ah, cardigans; the natural progression of life!” The date ended there, but there’s airtime to fill so the two progress to the evening portion of this painful event. Lauren tries to get their connection back on track, but fails miserably and instead goes full motor-mouth. Arie completely checks out. He is, in fact, so bored THAT HE ACTUALLY EATS THE FOOD! No one in Bachelor history has eaten a meal on a 1:1, but here we are. She finally shuts up for a minute and he takes the opportunity to grab the rose. He gives a brief speech about how “it’s obvious” that she loves her family, and he certainly doesn’t want to keep her from that. He lets her go, then and there. Good thing her bag was already packed! The night wraps with Arie staring out a window while violinists serenade his lonely heart.
As awkward as it looks! [Photo Credit]
Don’t fret – more dates are around the corner! This time it’s another group outing, including: Ashely, Becca K., Britney, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese. The clue is, “Love is ruff.” This means puppies, and the women are thrilled. All except for Annaliese, of course! She’s got – you guessed it – trauma around dogs. I can’t even with this, so I’ll move on.
They go to the park to play with their animal pals before learning that they’ll be putting on a dog show at The Grove. Fred Willard (of Best in Show) joins Chris Harrison to narrate the event. The event is a non-starter total waste of time. Except for the scene where they show Annaliese scooping poop. Now that’s funny!
They move on to The Reserve for the rest of the rendezvous. Arie makes the moves this time, pulling Chelsea aside first. Though Chelsea has all but faded into the background, it doesn’t stop her from combining codependence with confidence. She says, “I’m here to discover myself through someone else. I adore the person I’ve become today.”
Arie then proceeds to pull each gal away for a makeout sesh, minus Annaliese because she’s awkward AF. The night caps (see what I did there?) with Chelsea receiving the rose.
Krystal thinks Krystal is the greatest. [Photo Credit]
Now we’re back home for the cocktail party. Bibiana sets up a romantical couch under the stars for her and Arie. (Read: the producers masterminded this, and the interns put it in place.) But before she gets to pull him out to the makeshift cabana, he stumbles upon the driveway bed with Lauren B. How convenient! They proceed to lock lips before Bibiana comes out. Arie asks her for, “just five more minutes.” She meekly agrees. Only he never tries to find her after that, instead bringing out a string of ladies to the sexy spot. Ouch.
Bekah, of course, is one of the gals who gets private couch time with the bachelor. He asks if she’s interested in getting married when she’s of legal age someday. He claims he’s guarding his heart with her. Bekah drops some freshman Psych 101 on him, saying, “That’s because I’m unsafe. I don’t need you, and you know it. Based on what you said, you’ve been attracted to people who need you. Like, who need you more than you need them. And it’s scary to be with someone who doesn’t need you to complete them. Maybe that’s why you like moms.” Arie doesn’t know what’s hit him; he’s lived a life luxuriating in privilege and is blown away that a woman has called him out. Seriously, anyone with a passing interest in dime store psychology could read Luyendyk Jr. from a mile away, but he’s looking at her like she’s a fucking oracle and it’s hilarious.
Arie could stand to heed this advice! [Photo Credit]
He then sets up hay bales for Tia. I guess she’s supposed to enjoy this because she’s from Arkansas? To further cement the stereotype, he offers her moonshine from a jug. I am not making this up. He says it, “tastes like gasoline, but in a good way.” She’s game and they get a buzz on. Anything to take away the sting from this embarrassing moment, I say.
Annaliese, who not surprisingly does not know when to leave well enough alone, approaches Arie next. And by “approach” I mean she drags him to a remote corner balcony upstairs that the owner of this mansion probably doesn’t even know exists. It is there that she asks him for a kiss, which he declines to give. She wanders away to cry and receives terrible advice from one contestant to try again. And so she does! She finds Arie, again requesting some form of affection, and this gets her sent home. Like, we’re minutes away from the Rose Ceremony and he can’t even wait that long! It’s humiliating, but with the way she’s been acting, no one can blame him. She sobs in the limo about her fear of ending up alone. Having graduated from Bekah’s School of Psychology, I recommend a hard three years of therapy before attempting to date again. And even then, it’s probably too soon.
Good luck out in the real world, Annaliese – you’re gonna need it! [Photo Credit]
And we’ve got another Rose Ceremony to wrap up this epic episode! Bekah and Chelsea are “safe” with their date roses. The other women to accept flowers are: Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren B., Brittany, Becca K., Seinne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, and Marikh. Due to Lauren S. and Annaliese’s earlier exits, it is Bibiana who gets the sole boot to the curb.
We know we’ll see Bibiana again, and Annaliese has been thankfully exiled. Now we’ve just got to set our sights on Chelsea and Krystal. Bekah’s rise to power will continue until her dark secret is revealed. Meanwhile, I will continue to question why these women are fighting over the human equivalent to mayonnaise. Until next week!
The Bachelor (2018): Season 22, Episode 3 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time you want to give the GLOW gals their own smackdown.
Take a Drink: every time you root for anyone other than Arie.
Take a Drink: every time you count the ways in which the show wasted Fred Willard’s cameo.
Take a Drink: every time you wished Peter or Kenny were The Bachelor.
Take a Drink: every time Krystal’s voice made you want to punch someone.