Les filles ont debarque a Paris, et Arie a une grosse decision a prendre! Voyons voir comme c’est incroyalbe…. (The girls have landed in Paris and Arie has a big decision to make! Let’s see how “amazing” it is…)
I am rarely jealous of The Bachelor contestants, but seeing them run around Paris, one of my favorite cities in the world, has me feeling a bit bleu. But enough about me and my travel angst. There’s a shitload to unpack in this episode, so let’s get moving!
Normally the gals are sequestered in a fancy hotel, but Paris was like, “Naw, you get your American asses out on the Seine and stay there.” Thus the illustrious “U By Uniworld” boat, which caters to cruises for those between the ages of 21 to 45. So Arie baaaarely makes the cutoff. And so does Bekah!
Of course Chris Harrison is in Paris, because who in the hell doesn’t want to go to Paris? He and Arie Luyendyk Jr. have a bro chat on a park bench and, if you think I’m exaggerating, they start their conversation with Harrison saying, “Welcome to Paris, man.” To which Arie replies, “Thanks, dude!” Dude. And that is why we are barely allowed beyond the Seine.
We’re laughing because it’s true! [Photo Credit]
Arie shows up to whisk Lauren B. (aka Last Lauren Standing) on a date that he’s “been saving for her.” It turns out Arie is super attracted to Lauren… so much so that he’s willing to create an identity for her. He claims, “More and more of her personality is coming out,” as they silently stroll through the City of Light. (Save the one word Lauren utters, which is, “Wow,” about twenty times over.) Arie struggles valiantly to get LLS to speak, pointing out every beautiful landmark along the way. But girlfriend is not giving it up. She’s got one word, and one word only. He finally confesses that he has a crush on her and all but begs for validation. Still nothing. Okay, then! Either she’s a baller at playing hard to get, or she’s the Sphinx.
Night falls. They are in a gorgeous restaurant. Arie claims they’ve had “an amazing day,” even though we have seen evidence to the contrary. Dinner is served. Is it clams? Nope, that’s just Lauren and her inability to speak. She finally (finally!) reveals that she usually friend zones potential mates for 6 moths! (Merde! Balles bleues.) Arie doesn’t sprint for the exit, so she continues to reveal that though her parents have been married for 30+ years, she has trust issues due to their difficult union. That, and oh!, the little fact that she used to be engaged! She thought it was love, but once they were pledged to one another, he saw no need to treat her kindly anymore, and thus came their demise. Arie eats it up.
Now it’s his turn to reveal personal information, and holy hell does he have a bomb! We knew that he had a serious live-in girlfriend, at one point. And that that girlfriend has two kids. Oh, and by the way, she was also pregnant with Arie’s baby! Wait, what? Yep, this unnamed woman was going to have a baby driver with the racecar aficionado. All was perfect, until “the busy racing season rolled around.” She asked him not to go. But gosh darn it, he just had to! So he left his pregnant partner alone, with two kids to look after, to go race cars against her wishes. While he was away, she had a miscarriage, phoned Arie to give him the news, and told him she would not be there when he returned. Mic drop.
This is definitely not what I ordered for dessert. [Photo Credit]
Both Arie and Last Lauren Standing commiserate how awful it is. For him. Not for the woman that was home alone, taking care of her brood while suffering the loss of a third child without her partner by her side. This is the most revealing thing a man has ever said to a woman, and it tells you everything you need to know about Arie. Did he learn anything from this horrible experience? Nope. Did he pick the weakest, most milquetoast person to reveal this information to? Yep. Bekah would’ve ripped him stem to stern with her searing psychological analysis. But he doesn’t want to be nudged from the warmth of his narcissism. He’d rather have his hand held, and for that Lauren is perfect. They kiss. She gets the date rose. Good luck with that, dear.
Meanwhile a group date is brewing. The card says, “Let’s get all dressed up.” The gals ooh and ah over the possibilities, including who will be on the date, who gets the 1:1, and who will be sacrificed to the dreaded 2:1. Krystal claims she’s super confident that she’ll be on the 2:1. I am confident of this as well, since it’s time to offload this ho. Tia is so nervous as the card is read she claims her “heart is about to fall out of” her ass. The group date consists of: Becca, Seinne, Bekah, Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna. Thank god Tia doesn’t have to pass a major organ through her butt. The French are blasé, but no one’s seen that before!
The group gathers at the iconic Moulin Rouge for the date/challenge, which consists of trying out for the cabaret in front of Arie and the house manager. The outfits are insanely detailed and the dances are fun. Now we’re finally getting some sass with class! The women shimmy for their lives because whomever has the best can can gets to go onstage with Arie that evening in front of a live audience, and thusly securing a few extra moments with the bachelor.
Every day should be can can day! [Photo Credit]
They take a break for a little cocktail party, with Arie pulling Tia aside first. She lets him know she’s still feeling good after saying the big “I love you” last week.
Bekah is up next. She confesses to feeling a little jealous because she’s catching some feelings. They have a laugh over the day’s events, with Arie sharing that the house manager was raving about her. Bekah prompts him with, “I think I heard the words ‘fun’ and ‘brave.’” Way to humblebrag, Ms. B.! What does your School of Psychology have to say about that?
Arie and Seinne cuddle next, with Seinne speaking perfect French. They make-out, but it looks like she’s trying to pull out of his embrace. We all know she’s too good for him, and her lips have gotten the memo.
Bekah secures the date rose and gets to dance onstage later that night with a lip-synching Arie. If you thought his Muppet voice was awkward enough, try watching him silently wrap his mouth around another language. Not a good look.
And now it’s time for the date we’ve all been waiting for – the dreaded 2:1, where it’s, “Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes.” The honor goes to Krystal, as expected, and Kendall, who is openly horrified at the thought of the upcoming experience. That means Jacqueline gets the 1:1 later.
The trio meet at a gorgeous chateau in the countryside for a wildly awkward afternoon. Krystal is acting like her typical asshole self. Kendall is reserved in the face of nerves. Arie has a big decision to make – though not really that big, since there’s only one choice, and that is to keep Kendall.
Arie makes the girls find him in a maze before taking Krystal off to talk. He confronts her almost immediately, saying, “I told you to come find me if you needed anything. We’ve been staying at the same hotel and you had plenty of opportunities. Instead you questioned my character.” Krystal tries to baby talk her way out of it and it works momentarily, as Luyendyk Jr. leans in to kiss her. But she blows it immediately by talking shit about Kendall and her emotional availability. Arie visibly pulls away.
Krystal should’ve been eliminated for this outfit.
Kendall is up next, as Arie expresses his concern over her short-term relationships. (The longest she’s ever been with anyone is 10 months. But given the way he ended his last love connection, it doesn’t seem that he’s in the position to judge.) Would she be able to go straight into an engagement? She assures him she’s ready to be open and give love a shot.
Kendall and Krystal have a moment alone, and Kendall lets Krystal know she doesn’t appreciate her relationship abilities being questioned. Then she goes in for the gut punch, saying, “Just because you say the thing that’s the most hurtful doesn’t mean you win. It means you hurt somebody.” She then tries to empathize with Krystal, letting her know that she sees the person she’s capable of being, as well as all the hurt she’s absorbed in her life. It’s a beautiful, rare moment of compassion. One that Krystal is completely incapable of accepting, as she just nods at Kendall with a blank smirk. There’s a takeaway interview with Kendall later, where she nods sadly and says, “Krystal lives in a world of delusion.” True that!
Nightfall begets another uneaten dinner at a restaurant overlooking the Eiffel Tower. (Arie looks visibly distressed that his seat forces him to have his back to this iconic architectural masterpiece. I can’t blame him!) This portion of the “date” is thankfully brief. Arie gives a short speech to the women before handing the rose to Kendall. They stroll off to the Tower, leaving Krystal behind to pout while justifying her terrible behavior to an invisible producer. Au revoir, Krystal. Tu as ete un cauchemar! (Goodbye, Krystal. You’ve been a nightmare!)
On to happier times, with the women celebrating Kendall’s return to the boat/Krystal’s demise, as well as Jacqueline’s imminent departure to enjoy her 1:1. And, because they absolutely can’t resist, the show has put Arie in a red sports car to pick up Jacqueline. It’s not an episode of Arie’s season if he can’t show us his driving prowess, dead babies be damned.
The pressure of this date suddenly dawns on Jacqueline, who hilariously says, “When I got the date card, it felt like I’d been given a pony for Christmas. But if I don’t learn to ride the pony by the end of the day, it will get shot.” I think that sums it up nicely. Let’s hope she excels so her horsey doesn’t have to be sent off to the proverbial glue factory, if ya know what I mean!
This looks like a ton of fun! [Photo Credit]
We don’t have much car footage, as the vehicle breaks down almost immediately. We get to see Arie try, and fail, to fix the engine. Though Jacqueline doesn’t mind. She says, “It’s hot when a guy who knows things, and talks about things, does things.” If that’s hot, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you. They then cab to a fancy store, where Arie takes his date on another shopping spree before they head off to dinner at Maxim’s (the iconic restaurant from the film Gigi).
And, yawn, it’s another generic conversation about being scared, the future, potential, issues with trust, and daring to love again. They claim they have crazy chemistry, but I don’t see it. Of all the women left, she’s the least likely to make it to the end, but somehow she secures a rose. Woot.
And… it’s Rose Ceremony time! A reminder that Lauren, Bekah, Kendall, and Jacqueline already have roses. And Krystal is already gone! (Insert happy dance here.)
So, the women who will be accepting Arie’s pre-purchased flowers are: Tia (in a fabulous sequined pant suit), Seinne, and Becca. That means Jenna and Chelsea are going home. Here’s hoping they don’t bump into Krystal at the airport.
The episode appears to be wrapping up, but then camera zooms in on Last Lauren Standing having a tearful breakdown. Is it just a bad day, or is she gearing up to become the new Krystal? Tune in here next week to find out!
There’s some footage of Arie and Lauren dancing on a bridge while being serenaded by a busker. Finally, a surprise concert I can get behind! Next week the group is off to Tuscany, so it’s surely a matter of time before we’re forced to watch a group pizza-making date…
The Bachelor (2018): Season 22, Episode 6 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Lauren says “wow” or Arie says “amazing.”
Take a Drink: every time Krystal tries (and fails) to psych out Kendall.
Take a Drink: every time there’s a black booty bar over a can can dancer’s butt (contestants included)!
Do a Shot: for Kendall’s surprising moment of compassion.