By: Julio De Francisco (Five Beers) –
Griffon Keyes (Kevin James) surprises his girlfriend Stephanie (Leslie Bibb) with a message in a bottle asking her to marry him. She rejects him on the basis of his career choice, being a zookeeper for the Franklin Park Zoo. Five years later, he hasn’t shaken off what happened between them until he sees her again at a party. He knows in order to win her back he’ll need to quit his job. The animals at the zoo learn that he would consider quitting his job if it came down to it.
Mollie the Giraffe (voiced by Maya Rudolph), Barry the Elephant (voiced by Judd Apatow), Donald the Monkey (voiced by Adam Sandler), Jerome and Bruce the Bears (voiced by Jon Favreau and Faizon Love, respectively), Bernie The Gorilla (voiced by Nick Nolte), Joe and Janet the Lions (voiced by Sylvester Stallone and Cher), Sebastian the Wolf (Bas Rutten), and a Crow (voiced by Jim Breuer) team up to teach him ways he can attract a female using their unique animal techniques. To do this, they must break the sacred code, speaking plain English, East coast slang and colloquialisms included. Beer me.
Separated at birth?
I raise my first glass of beer to Bernie the Gorilla’s dancing and mingling skills. There is a montage where he is dancing to the song Boots with the Fur by T-Pain which leads to a scene at TGI Friday’s where Griffin orders their classic Baby Back Ribs and Fries while Bernie settles for 30 oranges. His mingling skills are put into action when he sends a table full of women some zucchini fries and parties with them. The night ends with a slow dance and an awkward conversation with Griffon about how he’s his best friend and how he wants to try on his watch.
Let the MEMES Begin!
While I can sympathize for a man who wants to get back with an ex-girlfriend as hot as Stephanie (Leslie Bibb), I was never convinced that she was worth it. In some cases, if a girl isn’t proud of your profession, she’s probably referring to your job at McDonalds or as a crossing guard for the local elementary school. Watching a person chase a woman who isn’t worth the chase is an unsettling distraction only cured by beer, and lots of it.
You know she’s not worth it from the beginning but you stuck around.
Even with a third beer, watching a movie with talking animals is a challenge, made worse by A-list actors exaggerating their roles *cough, Adam Sandler, cough*. When the animals realize that Griffin might be leaving them to have a better shot at Stephanie, they get together like Toy Story characters and start speaking in plain English. The animals have a code; never speak to humans. The lion reminded the other animals not to speak, but he goes ahead and does it, “What the hell is wrong with you!”
I guess I have a Dr. Doolittle problem here, what do you want me to do!?
Joe Rogan. Wow. Shotgun this, because when he shows up on the screen he takes over. I can only hope that he gets more work so that I can have a good excuse to have a kegger for watching a Rogan marathon. The role he had probably didn’t need a good actor for it, since Rogan played “Hail of Gale, Cherokee Style” who was an 8th grade jock stuck in an adult body. The one thing he proved is that he is not leading man material but knows how to dance. I think he should stick to what he’s good at, podcasting, which I subscribe too. He’s an intelligent guy, just not a good actor.
Show me your warface! … That’s a pretty good warface.
Every time the giraffe spoke I wanted to kill it. I just couldn’t stand the Giraffe that was voiced by Maya Rudolph. Every time it spoke I wanted to stuff popcorn in my ears. Instead, I opted to take big gulps of my beer. It turns out this giraffe is the same one from Ace Ventura, and died shortly after the filming of this movie.
Didn’t see that coming, did you?
If you can get five beers deep, you will enjoy this movie. The only reason you should go see this movie is for the Boots with the Fur montage, but it’s hardly worth all the other bullshit to see it. Kudos to Ken Jeong’s cameo.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: whenever Ken Jeong (Venom) is on screen.
Take a drink: wheneverGriffin falls down or gets hurt.
Take a drink: whenever Stephanie’s eyes go wide.
Take a drink: whenever Gale one-upsGriffin.
Take a shot: when Bernie says: “Shut up!” outside of TGI Friday’s
Take a shot: when giraffe says “POTENTIAL!”
Take a drink: anytimeGriffin uses advice he got from animals.
There are blooper scenes.