Step Up Revolution -

Hollywood Director: Jenkins! You know what’s really hot these days?

Jenkins: Uh, no, sir. I mean, yes! I mean, I want to know what you think, sir.

Hollywood Director: Shut-up, Jenkins! Occupying things! That’s what the fourth Step Up is going to be about! But instead of a bunch of poor losers loitering outside of banks, it’ll be a bunch of  hip retards dancing out their ethnic feelings in designer street clothes. But not too ethnic. Mostly whites and just speckle a bit of spice in there!

Jenkins: That sounds amazing, sir! We’ll simultaneously distract the kids with meaningless garbage and pander to anyone over thirty with how stupid and worthless people who try to protest are!

Hollywood Director: I know, godammit! Now fetch me Tijuana so I can snort some nieve off her ass!

INT. SOME RESTAURANT – DAY

Amanda: What are we gonna do, RJ?

RJ: I dunno, bitch, how ‘bout you put on some damn hot pants and shake yo’ cooch in everyone’s face?

Amanda: Oh my god, RJ, how am I gonna spend all of my dad’s money on cut-off  jean skanks if he loses his job because of those corporate big wigs?

RJ: Shit, baby, you’re giving the “C” in c-walk a whole new meanin’! Looks like we’ve got some choreographies ta doo!

Amanda: Ya, RJ! Let’s show those fat cats that we got the endless time, money, and resources to constantly work on dance routines and perform in stylish new clothes every day fo’ evah!

RJ: Dope!

I’m not sure what they’re hoping to revolutionize with their b-boy stances, c-walks, and honky tonking, but one thing is for sure: these loveable street-savvy kids are occupying my heart. No, wait, that’s a sickening annoyance. Thanks, sexy strangers known as “The Mob” (really), for taking time out of your tanned dance parties to block traffic.

Beer Prediction

Few things are worse than the fourth instalment of a terrible teen dance franchise trying to capitalize on this hot new trend of people, like, caring about stuff or something.

The Watch -

Sleep it off, man.

I remember the first trailer for this was shown in theatres around the time of the Trayvon Martin shooting, and there was mild controversy over the whole ‘neighbourhood watch guy pretending to shoot a black man’ part that was in it. I don’t know, I’d say this guy is a little more Zimmerman-esque, and he’s still in it:

At least he just called him “Curly.”

I’m not a big Stiller fan per se (I didn’t like There’s Something About Mary, but Zoolander is good stuff) but I think with the right writing and directing, he’s quite enjoyable. Akiva Schaffer (The Lonely Island) is the director, and it’s written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (both of Knocked Up, Superbad, Pineapple Express, Funny People fame) and Jared Stern (urg… Mr. Popper’s Penguins), so it’s got some impressive credentials.

It also features a style of comedy I like: conversational jokes that seem to evolve naturally (perhaps from improv) rather than straight set-ups and punchlines the whole way through. It’s also a blend of sci-fi and comedy: a hybrid genre I wish there was more of.

Beer Prediction

It’s not a great trailer, but it’s probably worth a watch if you’ve already seen TDKR twice and you need to be entertained. It may even be a secret gem with a segment of the population who’ll love it. Including me? Please. Love is for children and Pretty Woman-style whores.